What If | Fanboys Anonymous
Showing posts with label What If. Show all posts
Showing posts with label What If. Show all posts

Marvel vs DC Superheroes Clash in WWE Survivor Series Battleworld (Fantasy Fights)

Posted by Anthony Mango - Wednesday, November 29, 2023

What if the characters of Marvel and DC fought in a WWE Survivor Series style pay-per-view?

Welcome to a special FANTASY FIGHTS podcast here on Fanboys Anonymous along with a Fantasy Booking edition of the Smark Out Moment Smack Talk podcast!

This crossover two-part episode takes the concept of the annual Survivor Series event and replaces the WWE Superstars with the superheroes of DC Comics and Marvel instead of the brand warfare "Raw vs. SmackDown" setup.

The red brand of Marvel and the blue brand of DC are put together on Battleworld with general managers Red Brother and Blue Brother in a two-night pay-per-view hosted by Access. This contest of champions will settle brand supremacy once and for all in Secret Wars!

This event is so big that it had to be broken up over two nights, so if you want to find out what matches were booked, how the card plays out and who comes out on top, be sure to check out these two podcasts below and subscribe on the different platforms that you can find these episodes!

Bonus: If you are on the Darkcast tier on Smark Out Moment's Patreon (or YouTube membership) or the Bonus Features tier on the Fanboys Anonymous Patreon (or YouTube membership), you can check out a special Episode #3 of this, with a different card lineup based on the WWE Survivor Series: WarGames concept instead of the traditional elimination matches!

Smark Out Moment: YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, Google Podcasts, TuneIn, and more.
Fanboys Anonymous: YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, Google Podcasts, TuneIn, and more

PART 1 - SMARK OUT MOMENT

PART 2 - FANBOYS ANONYMOUS

PART 3 - FANBOYS ANONYMOUS (BONUS FEATURES SUBSCRIBERS)

LEAVE YOUR THOUGHTS IN THE COMMENTS BELOW!

Fantasy Booking WWE PPV Card
Subscribe to the Smack Talk show on:
YouTube - Google Podcasts - iTunes - Spotify
and more!

Subscribe to Smark Out Moment podcast on YouTube Subscribe to Smark Out Moment on Google Podcasts Subscribe to Smark Out Moment podcast on iTunes radio Subscribe to Smark Out Moment podcast on Spotify

When it comes to comics and the superhero genre, death is referred to as a "revolving door" where no one really stays dead.

Naturally, there are exceptions. For the most part, Uncle Ben is never brought back, nor are Thomas and Martha Wayne. At least, not in a real way. It's always a dream, some other dimension, an Elseworlds story or something along those lines.

That goes for most other big changes to characters. It's rare to have Dick Grayson transition from Robin to Nightwing, Bucky to come back to life as Winter Soldier and so on, and people actually accept it. More often than not, if you try to replace Peter Parker with Ben Reilly, it just doesn't work, which is why no one ever thought Doctor Octopus was stuck in Peter's body forever.

In regards to The Joker—one of the most maniacal, horrific characters in all of fiction, let alone narrowing it down to just DC—people always ask "Why doesn't someone just kill him?"

Of course why not? The guy murders TONS of people every time he does anything. But DC will never kill him off, nor would he ever say dead for good. Every time he seems to have met his end, it's always some ruse where they never find his body and he's escaped so he can pull more hijinks down the line.

But what if DC decided to have a definitive end to Joker by actually cutting the cord? Whether it actually stuck forever or was just as temporary as Jean Grey's or Superman's death, or even the longer ones, it's interesting to think about. That's why people gravitate to stories like Injustice with Superman killing Joker for having manipulated him into killing Lois Lane and their child.

So let's dive into this thought experiment. Theoretically, if Joker were to be put down for good, who should do it? Which character has the right to be the one to do the deed? Who gets the honor and bears the burden of killing Joker once and for all?

What if Joker died? Who should pull the trigger?

Batman = No

We have to start examining things with Batman, naturally. He's the main character, after all, who has the deepest ties to Joker.

Their rivalry is epic. It's not just some decades-long multimedia war, but something that is complex. Some people interpret their battles as two diametrically opposed polar opposites. They're two sides of the same coin where one is crazy and bright and cheerful and evil, while the other is also crazy, but dark, brooding and heroic.

Some people interpret their story as struggling lovers. Others consider it an ethics discussion. It's all over the place, but there are usually common themes.

Joker is obsessed with Batman. It might not be as reciprocated, but Bruce definitely has a certain respect and fear for Joker above all other villains. Even Bane doesn't elicit the same response, and he's done some awful things to the family.

But it's Joker who pushes Batman to break his no-killing rule and nearly succeeds on a regular basis. So is that how this ends? Does Bruce finally snap, kill Joker and be done with it?

I think the only way you justify that is if you want your story to be a tragedy in a "no turning back from this, ever" type of scenario. Once Batman kills someone, that's it. He can no longer not be a killer. Joker would be the one to be the most justified in murdering (outside of someone like Darkseid, but aliens don't really count based on parademons and such). If you want the story of Bruce Wayne to end with his incorruptible moral compass being corrupted to prove that no one is immune to the horrors of the world, then pull an Alan Moore and tell us why you think there's no hope for humankind and be all depressed.

I'm not that type. I hate people in a lot of ways and I think there are some absolutely disgusting, atrocious humans on this planet that shouldn't be here, but I don't think every story needs to be doom and gloom.

I prefer my Batman to be the type of person who gets up whenever he's knocked down. Give me the "No matter what, I'm still not going to let you win" type of Batman. He should figure out another way to beat Joker and stop him from hurting anyone else other than to just become a killer like the other criminals.

Jason Todd = Maybe...but No

It's hard to find an argument for why Jason Todd shouldn't be the one to kill Joker. After all, Joker killed him, so fair's fair, right? Joker beat him with a crowbar and blew him up, which scarred him forever. Even after being resurrected, Jason's adopted the Red Hood moniker as a twisted bit of devotion toward this, which shows he isn't moving past it.

Recently, in the story of the three Jokers, Jason got a measure of revenge by killing one of them, hoping it was the one who killed him. After all these years, he deserved to do that, and I'm glad they had him pull the trigger, even if I'm 100% convinced there aren't actually three Jokers and whatnot, so it won't be a true act of vengeance.

But here's where I argue Jason shouldn't be the one to officially kill the real Joker. What does that accomplish? He kills the guy who killed him. Okay. He doesn't actually get to go back in time and stop all that from happening. Those scars are still there. Jason's already crossed the line of being a murderer, so it's not likely he can be redeemed in a way where he's totally pure or anything, but there comes a time where all that killing doesn't amount to anything on its own. Hell, he can continue to kill other crooks even after Joker's death and it doesn't mean anything for his own journey, positive or negative.

The real way to get past it is getting past it. Jason certainly shouldn't forgive Joker by any means, of course. That's not the same as moving on. But he should come to terms with what happened and turn that into more of a positive in some fashion, rather than just getting blunt revenge eye-for-an-eye style.

I'd rather see Jason's conclusion via Joker being that he stops being Red Hood and illustrates that he's more than just "the Robin that was killed by Joker" by becoming his own hero a la Dick Grayson becoming Nightwing. What name should that be? No idea. Jason was Wingman at one point, but I find that name pretty damn lame. But that's a discussion for another article. The point remains that if Jason moves on from calling himself Red Hood to calling himself something more aligned with the rest of the family—even if he's still a killer, which is okay to be the most brutal that does the things Bruce and others refuse to do—that's the real win over Joker, rather than just killing him.

Barbara Gordon = No

Babs is even weaker of an argument, in my mind, than Jason. She comes from a similar background as far as why, but has even less grounds.

Barbara was shot and paralyzed by Joker. That's horrendous. She's overcome it and is back to being Batgirl, but being wheelchair-bound and becoming Oracle is tied to her character forever, to the point that most stories, if they're able to go down that road, does a retelling of Killing Joke.

Naturally, Barbara has every right to kill Joker for that. But I don't think she's the type to get her revenge in that fashion.

I've never interpreted Barbara as having more of a vicious side to her than Jason, do you? And since Jason was actually killed by Joker, instead of just paralyzed, he has more of a willingness to pull the trigger and more of a reason to.

Barbara is harder to corrupt. She shouldn't throw that all away just to kill Joker. That's evidenced by the recent comics, too, with her condemning Jason's actions and considering him a criminal they need to bring in just like everyone else.

Good for you, Babs. Don't go down that road. Her revenge on Joker isn't something I've been able to wrap my mind around. It's not good enough to simply walk again. He'd just scoff at that like "I guess I didn't do a good enough job" and move on with his day. I think she'd have to outsmart him in some fashion that really stings...but that's another story for another article.

Harley Quinn = Yes?

If one woman is getting revenge on Joker, justifiably, it's Harley Quinn. This girl's been put through the ringer and I think it's actually difficult to think of an argument for why she shouldn't be the one to kill him.

Think about it. Even if her life was messed up before she met Joker (which in some tellings, it isn't), he wrapped her around his finger, had her lose her job, lose her sanity, sometimes bleach her skin, turned her into a killer and he's constantly abusive in every way possible.

Joker offers NOTHING good for Harley, but she keeps going back to him. She's a textbook example of so many real life cases, just turned up to 11. It's sad and it's not the type of thing any couple should be like "wow, I wish we were like Joker and Harley". No you don't! Just because you liked Sleepy Hollow and A Nightmare Before Christmas and you vibe more with skeletons at Halloween than snowmen in December doesn't mean you should ever want someone physically, emotionally and mentally abusive in your life like Joker.

This guy is scum. Pure evil. At best, he loves Harley because she cared and he's treating her terribly to where he doesn't deserve her. He may love her because he's turned her into something that fits his mold, instead of loving who she is. But most likely, he doesn't love her at all. Punchline will find that out.

Harley's character has broken off from Joker many times over the years. Sometimes, she goes off with Poison Ivy. Sometimes, she's part of the Suicide Squad. She's never quite heroic, as that would make her lose her edge, and her popularity is intrinsically tied to the idea that she's the spunky, wacky, psycho edgy hot chick that will cut someone who gives her a side eye. She's no Superman and if she were, the girls at Hot Topic wouldn't dig her as much and get tattoos of her and cosplay as the character.

Recently, even more than ever, Harley's also taken on a responsibility of becoming a women's empowerment vessel. She's kind of a "hear me roar" character, lately, taking on the whole support of representing all women who are fighting back from their abusive husbands/boyfriends/etc and kicking ass no matter who they offend (as if that's offensive to stand up for yourself and get out of a bad spot).

Isn't the ultimate win that she'd kill Joker? She's a murderer, so she's not breaking her code and losing anything. This would be the only way she'd never go back to him (even if she might regret it and miss him later, which would be a backtrack for her independence), but she'd at least have made that decision to try to do that knowing she could never go back.

I think there's a very, very strong case that if Joker were to die, Harley has to be the one to do it.

Jim Gordon = No

It's funny that Commissioner Gordon is always one to remind Batman not to cross the line by killing anyone, yet he's a cop. Cops do shoot and kill people if need be—sometimes, not even if it's necessary, unfortunately.

I always find it interesting when people have no issue having Gordon shoot some thug in a story, only to then say no one should kill Two-Face or Zsasz or someone. We know it's because they're actual characters, but it just makes no sense.

Logically, Gordon and any other cop should have shot Joker the first time he was doing any of his awful things and that would be the end of it. That's what would happen in real life. Magnify that by an exponential amount when you remember that Joker's paralyzed his daughter and shot/killed Sarah Essen. Any father and husband would be justified in killing Joker for retaliation.

But isn't that blah? The person to kill Joker is Gordon? It just doesn't fit in my mind.

Lock-Up, Azrael, or Another Punisher-Style Vigilante = No

This is quick. Should some random vigilante or person who is more willing to kill in general just take out Joker, like Punisher would?

No. That would be lame. If Azrael was the one to kill Joker, people would feel like it was wasted.

One of His Goons = No

Working for Penguin must be okay. He seems level-headed and you can even get a job as a server for the Iceberg Lounge. Being under the employ of Riddler is probably annoying as he tasks you to set up elaborate traps and continually talks about how he's smarter than you, but I'd imagine you could manage. Ra's al Ghul followers are supremely dedicated to his cause and would gladly give their lives for the league.

If you find yourself working for Joker, though? Forget about it. That guy can decide any random moment to carve your face off just for a laugh. He perpetually kills his allies to prove a point and you can never, ever be safe around him. Even if you stop working for him, he could just kill you because you know too much.

Maybe someone decides that at some moment when Joker has his back turned, they'll just shoot him. That's it. One shot to the head, he's dead, and now they don't have to worry about any of his insanity.

Perhaps this is even a plot to overthrow him and become the next big bad in Gotham. It likely wouldn't work, as Batman has more trouble with Joker than anyone else, so some random dude with a pistol wouldn't be as big of a threat, but that's beside the point.

That's also why I don't think this would be a good story to tell. There's one interesting element to it, which is the parallel that Thomas and Martha were gunned down by "some punk with a gun" and Joker, for all his theatrics, could fall victim to the same thing. But once you establish this new character as an imposing force for being "the one who killed Joker" and he's taken down by Batman, what else does that character have to offer?

A Civilian = Maybe?

Imagine after all the crazy antics and the grandiose displays of murder, the off-the-wall crimes that are so lavish and over-the-top that they require giant responses to them and go down in history as legends, where every single thing is building up to some great crescendo...if Joker just gets killed by some dude.

Not even a criminal. Not a rival psycho. Not a cop. Not Batman. A nobody.

Joker's killed hundreds. He's ruined families. There should be no end to the amount of people who would gleefully attack him if they saw him in public, hoping to murder him and make sure he doesn't do that to anyone else. Some people would be doing that in a joint murder/suicide fashion, while others would consider it a public service.

It would be kind of fitting if Joker's great work of art wasn't finished because "some punk with a gun" got him, similar to how Joe Chill killed Thomas and Martha. I like the idea a lot and the only argument I can think of that goes against it is that you can't track that person anymore, similar to the goon idea. Once they kill Joker and deal with the immediate repercussions of that, their story is done.

Joker Kills Himself = Yes?

In The Dark Knight Returns, Joker meets his end by snapping his own neck. Joker could always die as a result of his own plans backfiring, too. I think it's a strong, strong discussion to have that this could be the way he goes. That way, no one gets their hands dirty, but everyone can say they have their moments where they wish they could have killed Joker, even if they don't know if they would have done it if they did have the opportunity.

In a way, Joker wins and loses in this scenario. He loses his life, naturally, but he wins by not giving anyone the satisfaction. Maybe that's worth a laugh.

THE FINAL VERDICT

It's down to suicide, Harley Quinn, or a random civilian in my mind. I lean more toward the first two. If I had to make a pick based on this discussion, though, I think I'd go Harley Quinn for an active killer of someone else pulling the trigger, but I'd give a slight edge to suicide (planned or not) with Joker being responsible for his own death.

However, I'll tease something that I'll get into somewhere else in the future: the way Joker dies in my version of the story is none of these options. What am I talking about? What Batman story? Here's hoping I get to tell The Batman Blueprint at some point and you'll have to find out more about that some other time.

Who do you think should be the one to put down Joker for good if DC ever killed off the character?
Tell us your ideas in the comments below!

New Pokémon Type Ideas: Sound-Type Pokemon Explained

Posted by Anthony Mango - Sunday, July 19, 2020

When Generation II of Pokemon came out with Gold and Silver, I remember being astounded at the creation of the Dark and Steel types. Of course this would happen, and with good cause. But I always had thought that a few other types didn't make much sense (why have both Ground and Rock, for instance?) and that some other things could have been created over time.

Then, with the addition of the Fairy type, I was even happier with the type diversity. I still think, to this day, that certain types should be switched as far as effectiveness goes (click here for a restructured Pokemon type effectiveness chart), but the idea of creating new types to fit new concepts of Pokemon is something I find very interesting.

However, I think people are a little too quick at coming up with random types and flooding the market. If you think about it, the series has been around 20+ years and they've only added 3 types. That's not a lot compared to some fan sites out there that have another dozen or so random things they'd like to see—most of which make zero sense.

Magic type is just Psychic. Wood, Magma, Wind and Steam? C'mon now. Those are just Grass, Fire, Flying and Water. Fear type is just Dark. Why is there a Beast type when all Pokemon are beasts and there isn't enough of a distinction between Bug, Dragon, Fairy, etc for something as generic as Beast?

Still, I do think there's room for a few more types to be made and I feel like this could be worth talking about.

What would the type conceptualize as? What Pokemon would be retconned to being that type, similar to how Clefairy became a Fairy and Magnemite was part Steel? Which moves could be granted that typing and what would it be effective and weak to?

For this first edition of what I'm assuming will be a 4 or 5 part series, I wanted to focus on the one type I think would make the most sense to add: the Sound type.

Sound type pokemon ideas

SOUND TYPE CONCEPT


Ghosts are ghosts. Dragons are dragons. When you start getting into the more energy-based things like Fire, it's a little harder to pinpoint, but I think it's still rather self-explanatory.

It's not that these creatures are made of pure sound (although some could be). It's more that sound is their gimmick. They have immunities to sound-based attacks, are able to control sound and vibrations very well, or have concepts that are based on music/sound/etc.

Pokemon already uses Sound as a subcategory of sorts for certain types of attacks. This is just the next natural progression.

SOUND-TYPE BATTLE CHART


I'll admit that I don't think I have all the balancing figured out for this. However, there are plenty of gaps from the current layout of the battle chart with what's effective against other things. Again, look above at the link at the start of this for a better breakdown of how I think things should work with Poison being super effective to Water and so on.

Here's what I could see making sense, though, for the Sound type, but I'm totally down for tweaking if you have any suggestions in the comments!

2x Strong Against
  • Ice (avalanches can be caused by sound)
  • Rock (glass shatters)
  • Steel (good conductor of sound)
  • Water (sound travels faster in water and amplifies its noise level)
  • possibly Fighting (solve problems with your words, rather than your fists)
  • possibly Ghost (prayer)
  • possibly Psychic (sound can break mental concentration)

1x Strong Against
  • Normal
  • Poison
  • Bug
  • Fire
  • Electric
  • Dragon
  • Fairy
  • Sound

0.5x Strong Against
  • Dark (its quiet at night)
  • Flying (sound doesn't travel in space)
  • Grass (natural sound barrier)

Zero Damage Against
  • Ground (drowns out the sound)

2x Weak to
  • Electric (disrupts the vibrations)
  • Ground (drowns out the sound)

1x Weak to
  • Bug
  • Dark
  • Dragon
  • Fairy
  • Fire
  • Flying
  • Ghost
  • Grass
  • Ice
  • Normal
  • Psychic
  • Rock
  • Sound
  • Steel
  • Water

0.5x Resistant to
  • Fighting (you can't really punch energy)
  • Poison (why not, right? How do you really poison vibrations?)

Immune to
  • Nothing

POKEMON WITH THE SOUND TYPE


Igglybuff → Jigglypuff → Wigglytuff = Sound/Fairy
- Its gimmick is singing.

Drowzee → Hypno = Psychic/Sound
- I'm not entirely sold on this, but I think it could work.

Hoothoot → Noctowl = Sound/Flying?
- I'm not entirely sold on this, either, but it could make sense with the hooting and all.

Politoed = Water/Sound
- Its Pokedex entries talk about the noises it makes.

Misdreavus → Mismagius = Ghost/Sound
- Dex entries mention sounds. It's also called the Screech Pokemon.

Whismur → Loudred → Exploud = Sound
- Duh.

Wailmer → Wailord = Water/Sound
- Wail. Duh.

Chingling → Chimecho = Psychic/Sound
- Duh.

Kricketot → Kricketune = Bug/Sound
- Duh.

Bronzor → Bronzong = Psychic/Sound or Steel/Sound (probably Steel)
- Duh. It's a bell.

Chatot = Sound/Flying
- Chat. C'mon now.

Woobat → Swoobat = Sound/Flying I guess 
- You might be thinking "Why not Zubat's line?" Well, let's be honest. Zubat could be Poison, Flying, Dark and Sound all at the same time. Let's go with Poison/Flying for Zubat and Sound/Flying for Woobat to differentiate them a bit and not make 2 of the same bat type things both Sound.

Audino = Sound or Sound/Fairy or Sound/Normal
- Duh.

Tympole → Palpitoad → Seismitoad = Water/Sound
- This is all about vibrations. Let's get rid of the Ground and replace it with Water, even though that means we have 3 lines of Water+Sound types already with Politoed and Wailmer. But hey, how many Normal/Flying birds do we have? Just give it lots of Ground moves like Earthquake to go along with it.

Maractus = Grass/Sound 
- It's a cactus with maracas. It has to be sound.

Meloetta = Sound/Psychic and Sound/Fighting
- It's all about singing.

Litleo → Pyroar = Fire/Sound
- Since it focuses on the "roar" part of the name, and it's Fire/Normal for some reason, let's replace that Normal type.

Noibat → Noivern = Sound/Dragon
- It's another bat, but it's even more so dedicated to sound. This one is a given.

Oricorio = */Sound instead of */Flying
- It's a dancer. Let's give some more variation to the Sound type and just get rid of Flying for this.

Jangmo-o → Hakamo-o → Kommo-o = Dragon/Sound
- I'm actually not all that into this being another Dragon and Sound type, but it's something worth talking about.

Grookey → Thwackey → Rillaboom = Grass/Sound
- It's a drummer!

Gossifleur → Eldegoss = Grass/Sound
- No need for it to be Sound, but it's worth talking about.

Toxel → Toxtricity = Electric/Sound or Poison/Sound
- I can see why people would want to keep it Electric/Poison, so I'm not opposed to that. But I could also see a case for there to be Electric/Sound and Poison/Sound variations or something. Maybe different forms?

Obstagoon = Dark/Sound
- It's based off KISS.

+ Arceus, Type: Null and Silvally with the corresponding plates that would allow for them to be the Sound type.

Some people suggest Voltorb. I don't see it being sound-based just because it knows some sound moves. If anything, it should be Steel/Electric since it's a metal ball.

Lapras has certainly been given some musical elements to it, hasn't it? But to me, Lapras should be Ice/Dragon or stay Water/Ice rather than turn into a Water/Sound or Ice/Sound.

As far as new types go, you have countless instruments you could draw inspiration from. There could be a variant of Jynx that is more like a Nordic opera singer. Sound/Flying parrot Pokemon is a guarantee.

SOUND TYPE MOVES


I'm certainly not going to go through hundreds upon hundreds of moves and double check everything. This is more about the theory and concept, rather than some historian breakdown. Nevertheless, I think some moves stand out as obvious picks while some others are certainly within the discussion.

Note: A move like Bug Buzz should stay Bug, shouldn't it? The same goes for Grass Whistle, Metal Sound, etc.

Belch
Boomburst
Chatter
Clanging Scales
Confide
Disarming Voice
Drum Beating
Echoed Voice
Encore
Growl
Heal Bell
Howl
Hyper Voice
Lucky Chant
Noble Roar
Overdrive
Perish Song
Relic Song
Roar
Round
Screech
Sing
Sleep Talk
Snarl
Snore
Sonic Boom
Sparkling Aria
Supersonic
Uproar
Yawn

Based on that criteria, I think Sound could be a solid new type to add to the Pokemon series. What do you think? Got any ideas for the Sound type or any other future types? Drop them in the comments below to keep the discussion going!

What If Swan Hadn't Led The Warriors Back To Coney?

Posted by Fellonius Munch - Wednesday, December 4, 2013

It is not widely known that the version of Walter Hill's 1979 funky cult classic The Warriors that was released and is beloved by its cult of fans was not in fact the version originally written, either as the original novel or the original screenplay. Rather, the final version we know and love was the result of an extensive rewrite during filming during those hot summer New York City nights almost 35 years ago.

Director Walter Hill 1979 gang action thriller The Warriors

Known to be a difficult director with a history of conflicting with his actors (I don't care, he makes badass movies), Hill was a visionary who wrote his own material, as directors used to, and therefore was a perfectionist behind the camera.

Already credited with writing The Getaway and Alien, Hill had directed a few movies before then and had dropped out of directing Alien over other conflicts. On the set of The Warriors, tensions between Hill and actor Tom Waites led to Waites being fired. From there, everything quite drastically changed.

Like it matters. Even if things had gone according to plan, Hill's adaptation of Sol Yurick's bleak and grotesque 1960s street gang crime thriller already bore so little resemblance to the source material that, by comparison, Yurick's novel is the one left looking like a cheap ripoff. Just as the final film and original would-be film would have been two completely different animals, the final film and original novel most definitely are as well.

How It Would Have Gone, and What Changed 

From the beginning, the Warriors travel from their digs on the Coney Island beach promenade by train all the way up to the Bronx to hear Gramercy Riffs leader Cyrus's proposal of a mass gang truce, followed by all-out war on law enforcement, the mafia, and big business. Because we got the streets, suckas!

Rogues leader Luther assassinates Cyrus, triggering a riot just as the cops arrive en masse to split up the gangs. In the chaos, Luther blames Warriors leader Cleon for Cyrus's murder, making him pay the lethal cost for the villain's dirty deed. Cyrus's surviving warlord Masai sends the word, and the chase is on: every gang in the city is after the Warriors, and every cop in the city is after anyone in gang colors. Thus begins the painstaking journey through the midnight underbelly of NYC from the Bronx back to Coney Island.

After the Warriors bop their way past a not-so-solid crew, the Orphans, picking up Mercy along the way, Fox makes it a priority to look after her. With growing chemistry, they become the not-so-lovely love interest of the film as Swan tries to lead the gang home safe. Fox and Mercy get cozy and the dynamic begins to shift from the unflappable warlord keeping the gang together, to the young and scared members ending up having to take care of themselves.

Why It Never Happened

During filming, Hill was getting stressed that there seemed no chemistry at all between Fox (Tom Waites) and Mercy (Deborah Van Valkenburgh). It wasn't working for the film, and after a fallout, Hill fired Waites and decided to make Mercy the skanky love interest of warlord Swan (Michael Beck). That is why, in the existing version, Fox is thrown under the wheels of a speeding train by a dirty-ass beat cop.

Michael Beck and Deborah Van Valkenburgh Swan and Mercy The Warriors
"Here, remember him by this piece of poop..."
Moving on, the gang (split up during their escape from the cops) escapes the next station. Spilling out onto the streets, a few of them run into the Baseball Furies outside Central Park. During the chase scene, they are further split up, and whereas most of them manage to hold their own, Cochise (David Harris) is caught and then beaten to death with baseball bats and his corpse drowned. (You know, just to make sure!)

What Changed

Cochise isn't even in this scene in the movie. Instead, it's down to Swan and Snow to flank the Furies in Central Park after Cowboy is knocked out, leaving Ajax to show us just how badass he really is. Joining forces, they kick wholesale Fury ass to save Cowboy (Tom McKitterick) and head back to the station. Ajax (James Remar) is arrested along the way because he just can't turn down the offer of rough sex from an undercover female cop. This last part was meant to happen originally.

I'll shove that bat up your ass and turn you into a popsicle
"Aww thanks, you really think I look like Paul Stanley?"
The gang needs to get to Union Square. They all know this. The remaining Warriors at Central Park—Swan, Cowboy, and Snow (Brian Tyler)—split up for one last look for the others beforehand.

Only in the intended version, instead of finding Mercy, Swan is kidnapped by a savage gang called the Dingoes, notorious for their appreciation for nonconsensual anal sex.

funny black man catching water balloon
SAY WHAT???
The Warriors are now leaderless and lacking heavy muscle.

Having already escaped to Union Square before the others, Rembrandt (the late Marcelino Sanchez), Vermin (Terry Michos), Fox, and Mercy are taken in by the Lizzies while they wait for the others to arrive. Bad news for them, instead of trying some girl-on-girl action with Mercy (because she really needs a wash), the chicks are packed, THE CHICKS ARE PACKED!!!

The Warriors Cochise The Lizzies Union Square apartment fight
"Whoa girl, I meant Phat. Fat with a Ph!"
The Warriors fight their way out just as a gun is pulled by one of the Lizzies. Vermin high-fives bitches in the face with a chair when he is pumped full of lead and shot dead.

What Changed

Vermin was originally meant to die, and with that in mind actor Terry Michos made it his goal to inject his character with humor to 1) to lighten the tone of the film and 2) get more screen time. Ultimately, however, Hill so liked what Michos did with Vermin, making the character so entertaining, that he decided not to kill him after all.

Isn't this turning out to be a nice story? Full of sunshine and sweetness?

Walter Hill The Warriors cast of surviving characters
Dead, Arrested or Buttnapped.
Keeping up? Cleon is dead, Cochise is dead, Ajax is arrested, Swan has been [censored], Vermin is dead (or supposed to be anyway). All that remains are Fox, Mercy, Rembrandt, Cowboy, and Snow providing boombox and dropping the bass/doing all the fighting, and now they're nearly home free. By dawn, they're at Stillwell Avenue. I doubt Fox would have given Mercy a dirty secondhand flower as a welcome gift; that would have just make me sick. It's funny when Swan does it, however, because he's such a grouch. That'd be like me wrapping a stale slice of pizza in birthday parcel paper. But Fox? Gayyyyy!

On your feet, Warriors! Although the Gramercy Riffs discovered that the Warriors had been betrayed by Luther (David Patrick Kelly), that grimy midget is now chasing them through the streets of Coney Island, clanging bottles together and waxing lyrical about coming out to plaaaaaay.

The Warriors David Patrick Kelly as Rogues Luther Cony Island final battle
"And IIIIIIEEEEIIII... will always... LOVE YOOOOOO-ohhhhh..."
Tired, outnumbered, and pissed off, Snow (originally named Snowball) finally speaks up and suggests that they whip those motherless Rogues to honor their fallen friends, when (WHAT IN THE NAME OF FICTIONALLY OFFENDED DELINQUENT BUMHOLES?!) Swan arrives suddenly to save the day, having deflected many penises and singlehandedly wasted the Dingoes so that he could rush in from Manhattan to catch up with his crew.

Michael Beck and Deborah Van Valkenburgh The Warriors behind the scenes rare stills
"Bitch please, I am so coming out to PLAY-AYEEEE!"
The remaining Warriors knock the ever-loving shit out of the Rogues just in time for the Riffs to sound off "YEAH RIGHT!" and swarm the beach.

The way is clear, the Warriors are acquitted (although without receiving an apology for the wrongful murder of their warchief, Cleon), while Luther and his gang look on, awaiting death at the hands of about 50 really angry black men. The Warriors walk off into the sunrise, paying no attention to the fact that the only compensation they're getting out of this is a poor white boy song by wealthy ex-Eagle Joe Walsh.

Fox and Mercy probably go on to have skanky kids and become alcoholics while Swan goes on to need an inflatable rubber donut. Ajax too for that matter. But hey, we were never getting a sequel anyway.

Roll credits!
The Warriors action movie ending Coney Island
"Aaaarghhh, fuck me... Jellyfish!"
So, Fanboys and Fangirls, what the hell do you make of that for different? Would you have loved this original version as much as the one you know and love? Comments below and thanks for reading.

What If: Jean-Claude Van Damme was Cast as Predator?

Posted by Fellonius Munch - Monday, October 21, 2013

The Predator: elite extra-terrestrial headhunter, wholesale action star ass-kickin' pussy-face, kinky bodystocking and codpiece enthusiast, skull trophy-polishing expert to the stars and, undoubtedly, the greatest rastafarian ambassador to science-fiction cinema there was and will ever be... very nearly portrayed by an 80's martial arts movie star from Belgium...

Jean Claude Van Damme Predator, Jean Claude Van Damme and Carl Weathers on the set of Predator
"I'll give you twenty bucks for that arm..."
Ever since Arnold Schwarzenegger's original 1987 sci-fi action blockbuster, the Predator has had a pretty damn interesting career that goes way beyond nearly three decades of cinema and into comic books, novels and video-games, proving that if he isn't the most popular alien ever conceived for multimedia, he's only got to kill one or two others to have that honour.

For those of us to witness the original movie on VHS when it first hit the shelves, we've crapped our pants, we've laughed, we've cried (out of fear, frustration, hormones) and we've sighed and we've groaned at the many injustices also heaped upon the ever-enigmatic legend of science-fiction horror.

Everybody familiar—or downright obsessed—with all things Predator knows that the stuntman in the suit that made the magic happen was the late 7'4" man-mountain Kevin Peter Hall...
Basketball Player Kevin Peter Hall Predator Stuntman Pictures
"One ugly whut, lil homie???"
But what isn't so well-known is that the Predator went through several stages of design before special effects legend Stan Winston (see also Terminator, Aliens, Pumpkinhead, Jurassic Park) and director John McTiernan (Die Hard) came to settle for the giant pussyfaced, musclebound rasta look. One of those designs was of a smaller Predator... one more agile and versed in what I can only imagine to be some form of space martial arts...

Predate? Pred Jitsu? Pred Fu? Aikillyo? Who knows?!

But the man set to play that character—had it all worked out—was none other than accomplished martial artist and then-rising action movie star Jean-Claude Van Damme. And had that become the reality, as opposed to what we know today, we might have been faced with a completely different science-fiction/horror/action legacy altogether, if not a completely different Van Damme.

In fact, with the ludicrously successful and seemingly unstoppable movie career enjoyed by Schwarzenegger, it probably would have done JCVD's career bigger favours than the likes of Universal Soldier, or um... Timecop... and prevented some pretty nasty direct-to-video movie choices, if not granted him unlimited amounts of drugs and possibly killing him in the process, but that's not a road we're going down on this one.
Jean Claude Van Damme Split in Timecop screen shots
"Ummm, hey... you appear to be lacking pop tarts."
Don't be silly, Van Damme wouldn't have been looking for Pop Tarts in the middle of the night. Not back in the initial decline of his fame and fortune. No! Pastry, jam and icing sugar were no match for cocaine back in the day!

But back to the point, I'm actually bold enough to will hundreds and possibly thousands of insults upon myself in suggesting that a Van Damme Predator could have been completely badass. And I brought me a valid argument, too, so please keep reading.

The Predator, is as we fanatics know so well, the coolest, awesomest, most intelligent and terrifying beast to grace the screens of science-fiction cinema (and yet I personally also find him curiously cute and cuddly-looking). Granted, if he had a Belgian accent whenever he muttered...


At the beginning of his career, despite falling foul of one very desperate last-ditch guerilla-style booby trap that McGuyver would have thought amateur, the Predator did take out a hardcore band of elite soldiers, and most of them being played by a rather naughty mix of 80's action and sporting superstars (Arnie, Jesse Ventura and Carl Weathers), working class evil henchmen (Bill Duke and Walter Hill favourite Sonny Landham) and then Richard Chaves and finally Shane Black—who just reads comics and tells bad jokes (but later went on to write and/or direct some awesome stuff like Lethal Weapon and Long Kiss Goodnight to Iron Man 3). Yes, despite being killed off at the end of Predator, a given so that Arnie wouldn't fall foul as the hero of the movie, that should have been enough to set the Predator up for heady success in future battles, proving he was in fact the most lethal combatant in the Universe. You'd have thought the Predator would have won at least one battle and survived over the duration of a few decades. But no, even if he completes a mission, it always seems to be the death of him. Not if it had been Van Damme behind the mask, and you know it—if at least for the favours granted by plot armour. Aside from that, who other than CHUCK FUCKIN' NORRIS is the reason Van Damme is the man he is today?

Jean Claude Van Damme vs Chuck Norris fight scene
Jean-Claude and Chuck sharing a Christmas Cracker back in the day.
So, how do you suppose the Predator movies, beyond Arnie's awesome original, could have been improved, and how could the addition of Van Damme as the titular creature have helped?

1. Predator 2 (1990)
Predator unmasked is one ugly motherfucker
"Shut up, you're always too old for shit!"
I personally appreciate the stylish ultraviolent gorefest that is Predator 2 and we all love Danny Glover, being too old for that shit and such. But we don't like to point out that—by the simple ground rules set in the original—this Predator had too damn many chances to kill him and uncharacteristically failed too, every time. Think of that when I also point out that Danny Glover/his jumpy cop character, Mike Harrington, isn't just weedy in comparison to the Predator, he's also a literal ant hill in comparison to Arnie's mountain, and he doesn't have the combat skills. Dutch was an elite soldier, used to fighting guerillas, terrorists and, allegedly, whole armies the world over. Although surviving 'Predator' he was no doubt defeated come the sombre finale. In 'Predator 2' Harrigan is a weary middle-aged cop who's in over his head and knows it, yet seems to have the luck of a damn cat. I mean seriously. How did Danny Glover survive at all? Honorable mention: Adam Baldwin also survived that movie. But that's allowed. If anything, a Predator 3 should have seen him as the lead, with him being left in charge of the secret operation hunting the Predators down. But then he wasn't world-renowned for his action and comedy capabilities until Firefly, despite also being badass in Full Metal Jacket and Independence Day.

Predator 2 end scene, Danny Glover with Adam Baldwin
"...the man they call meeeeeee."
How Van Damme would have made Predator 2 more credible: If not for making Danny Glover's victory over the Predator credible, he would have at least beat the living crap out of him worse than the original Predator did Arnie with some swift moves.But then he could have made the whole film a lot more credible. Kevin Peter Hall, who died the year after that film, wasn't agile enough to make the increasingly acrobatic stunts for this movie as convincing as they needed to be. This wasn't tree climbing, this was urban alien free running, for cryin' out loud. The fatal blow to the Predator is Danny Glover stabbing him through the heart with his bladed frisbee thingy, also quite embarrassingly making him cry like a bitch. Not a Predator... A BITCH! That's like WWE's Kane falling for a poorly executed low blow after sustaining possibly hundreds over the years (and that guy's nuts probably need a mask more than his face). No, this time, the Predator could have just done the splits and knifed Glover right in the ball sack, frisbee between the tits and all, and did more of a manly scream, like...


Because you're never too old for THAT shit! But then I still believe that this could have been closer to a better alternate ending, as we all know Van Damme loves his weird interpretive dance. So why the hell not?


2. AVP: Alien vs Predator (2004)
Watch Alien vs Predator hairstyles dreadlocks
They call this hairstyle the Pred-Emo!
Many Predator fans actually appreciate AVP. However, the purists and the ones that read the Dark Horse series believe it's a ridiculous crock of shit, despite having some really nifty effects spent on the Aliens and Predators. Maybe because of that, they couldn't afford to hire writers to make the story believable. I mean, Predators being an ancient race, enslaving humanity and using them to build the pyramids as alien hunter theme parks? All of the LOLs, but that ruined the film for me, that and the fact they almost totally ignored everything that made the comics awesome to begin with. Alien vs Predator was conceptually meant for outer space, on common ground between the Xenomorphs and the Predators, somewhere in Ellen Ripley's distant future. Not a freakin' pyramid in the snow full of stupid Resident Evil style mazes and booby traps. I still feel robbed. Predator kicks the absolute shite out of humans, aliens and even a gigantic alien queen at the end before we're reminded that he was stupid enough to fall for that old chestnut early on - a Facehugger of all things. Sorry, but, I'm pretty sure that if they've been hunting aliens for millions of years, they'd get briefed on this shit in junior school at the least. Plus, doesn't the Predator have sufficient enough tooth and jaw action to just bite that tiny alien's dick off or something?

Predator Worst Blowjob Ever Pussyface
"Nomnomnomnomnom"
Where Van Damme could have made it right: By employing martial arts skills that didn't make the Predator hunting team look amateurish. Yes, granted, they are meant to be somewhat amateurish, as they are at their little theme park of death for the sole intention of earning respect as young hunters, but they died too freakin' easy to have any credibility at all. Plus if Van Damme had been the lead Predator here, we might have got to see one "makin' whoopee" with that woman that survives the whole sorry ordeal. But even if not, we'd have most certainly seen the Predator survive too. He'd have just been too clever to fall for that Facehugger "kiss me quick" routine...

3. Predators (2010)
Adrien Brody Gay, Alice Braga naked, Walton Goggins arrested
I got nothing on this one, sorry. Brody's long face depresses me.
Ignoring Requiem, but not completely forgetting the rest of the cast of 'Predators', I just find it hard to believe that the most hardcore Predator here, the Berserker, is defeated in a matter of moments by two of the weakest excuses for action stars ever cast in a film about a bunch of hardcore killers selected to be hunted by a bunch of advanced and seemingly evolved Predators. I'm, of course, talking about Adrien Brody, who for some reason reminds me of Milhouse from The Simpsons, and Alice Braga... the religious wack-job from 'I Am Legend'. Talk about the Predators being ROBBED!!! In my own opinion, the four most hardcore characters die too soon, and at least two of them shouldn't have; namely Misters Oleg Taktarov...

Oleg Taktarov Predators death scene
"Herro!"
...and Danny Trejo.
Danny Trejo as Machete Kills in Predators
"Peace, brother... or Machete kill you!"
To have killed them off so easily pointed out the severity of the situation, sure, which should have pointed out that Brody and Braga... or Bro-Ga, even... were fucked. And yet against all odds, they not only survive, they defeat the ultimate Predator, even while Braga is PARALYSED! This was probably the most embarrassing defeat to the Predator species out of all past defeats. Modern-day filmmakers and actors looking to carve a niche for themselves in the action genre seem to think it's all gravy when you have a big gun, a deep gravelly voice and cool fashion sense, but whereas director Nimrod Antal did a great job building atmosphere and replicating the mood and tone of the original film, 'Predators' had more inconsistencies than my mum's gravy.

How Van Damme could have improved Predators: By being the Predator captured and hung out as bait for our "heroes", being let off the leash towards the end and actually defeating the Berserker Predator with some swift fighting skills, rather than just looking weak and getting decapitated. No doubt, that fight was awesome but it does nothing for the fact that we wanted the old-school Predator to beat the Berserker and fly his human saviours back home to relative safety. Because if Van Damme had been the Predator, that would have most certainly happened!

Hybrid Chuck Norris Mixed with Jean Claude Van Damme mustache
Rather than this.
What do you think, Fanboys? Would a Jean-Claude Van Damme Predator have been better than the one we already know and love? Would it have changed the rules of the game? Would we have seen more Predator victories, more sequels over the years, even? Thanks for reading and feel free to comment with your thoughts!

FOLLOW AMT ON SOCIAL MEDIA

SUPPORT FANBOYS ANONYMOUS