Reviewing The Lone Ranger (2013) Hits and Misses | Fanboys Anonymous

Reviewing The Lone Ranger (2013) Hits and Misses

Posted by Anthony Mango Monday, July 15, 2013
From the makers of Pirates of the Caribbean comes the latest failed attempt at bringing an old concept into a new franchise (example: John Carter) with THE LONE RANGER, starring Armie Hammer...excuse me...starring Johnny Depp as Tonto with his sidekick, Armie Hammer as John Reid, the Lone Ranger.

Watch Lone Ranger 2013 Film Movie Download Online Free Stream YouTube
Tonto's bird is dead from boredom after watching this movie

NOTE: SPOILERS BELOW. IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE MOVIE AND DO NOT WANT TO KNOW DETAILS, SKIP THIS AND COME BACK LATER

THE MISSES

1. LACK OF CHARACTER

At no point did I give a shit about any of these characters, whatsoever. In fact, I can't even tell you who some of them are to begin with. They're almost just tropes. Ruth Wilson apparently places Rebecca Reid. Funny, I thought she played "pointless romantic interest damsel in distress who has pointless kid in distress and does nothing but look pissed off the entire time rather than endearing". You've got the stereotypical Corrupt Businessman as the lead villain who employs stereotypical Henchman Serial Killer Physical Threat. Guess who the traitor of the bunch is...the drunk! Oh no, our female lead is too bland and uninteresting, so let's introduce a hooker with a gun leg so Helena Bonham Carter has something to do. This expands every single character in the entire movie, but it's worth it to point out some others in a solo part.

2. THE BUMBLING IDIOT LONE RANGER

Look...I know that they were probably thinking that by having John Reid be the funny "guy who doesn't know what he's in for" type, that the audience would probably enjoy him more, but instead of being the fun type of clumsy, he just comes off as a moron, a cowardly wimp, and a whining prude. That is, until he suddenly decides to become the Lone Ranger, which is far too late into the movie to make up for it.

3. WHITE TONTO

....what?

Old Tonto Lone Ranger 2013 explanation was it real story
Such a noble savage. Someone should give him a chocolate factory

4. OLD TONTO & HIS SIDEKICK, LITTLE LONE RANGER

What was the point of having an old, decrepit Tonto pretending to be a mannequin/statue, talking to a little kid dressed as the Lone Ranger? Was it all to make it seem as though this entire movie was utterly pointless and fictitious? If that's the case, and you knew how much it sucked ahead of time and wanted to retcon the damn thing from THE OPENING SCENE, why even make the fucking thing? It isn't as though it's making any money and that would have been the reasoning....

5. EDITING & PACING

Said flashbacks were pointless, yet there were tons of them—some of which not even flashing back to this time, either. There were flashforwards and flashbacks within flashbacks of a story that could potentially be completely made up. Good fucking lord. Also, why is it that we have to wait what feels like 40 minutes before there's even an origin about what we're watching? Did they think throwing us right into action would make up for how boring this movie is?

6. ALL THAT ACTION, NONE OF IT EXCITING

I've never seen a movie have that much action, yet none of it be interesting.

7. RABBITS

What the fuck was up with those rabbits?

THE HITS

I'll post something in here if I ever think of an example...yeah....it sucked that bad.

END NOTES

This is an awful, awful movie that bored me nearly to sleep, which is really disappointing. It had the potential to be the next Pirates-type franchise, but the script is just too terrible to get around and the acting, editing, and pretty much everything else is just as bad if not worse. It fails on all levels. Is it the worst movie I've ever seen? No. Is it the worst movie I've seen this year? Without a doubt.
THIS POST WRITTEN BY: ANTHONY MANGO

Tony Mango is the founder, head writer and show host of Fanboys Anonymous as well as all other A Mango Tree branches including Smark Out Moment and more. He is a writer, creative director/consultant, media manager and entertainer. You can follow him on Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn. Extended profile here.

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