Posted by
Anthony Mango
- Saturday, April 26, 2014
Since virtually nothing so far has been officially announced for the upcoming new installment of the Star Wars saga—not even the damn title—fans have had to speculate about everything. Nobody has truly been confirmed for the cast, so we don't even have a solid chance of guessing the characters, which means the storyline is up in the air.
Fans have often assumed that any sequel films would be built around the events in the Expanded Universe, but that has all just been rumor. Absolutely nothing has been put out there that indicates that that is the case. In fact, it would be safe to say that it's doubtful the plot will follow the same path, as the Star Wars Expanded Universe series was not directly controlled by George Lucas himself.
That being said, elements from the Expanded Universe have popped up in other films in the past, so it is not beyond the realm of possibility that things can take shape from a familiar source. Coruscant has its origins in the Expanded Universe but was incorporated into Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace and actually became one of the principal aspects of the prequel trilogy. Countless other things have made their way into true canon or had an influence on the films, whether they were important (like the Hutts being an actual race) or somewhat meaningless fun (such as the inclusion of Jedi Master Quinlan Vos in Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith).
Until now, the fans have been kept in the dark about the new films and their relationship with the Expanded Universe material. However, Lucasfilm has finally shed some light upon the situation:
For over 35 years, the Expanded Universe has enriched the Star Wars experience for fans seeking to continue the adventure beyond what is seen on the screen. When he created Star Wars, George Lucas built a universe that sparked the imagination, and inspired others to create. He opened up that universe to be a creative space for other people to tell their own tales. This became the Expanded Universe, or EU, of comics, novels, videogames, and more.
While Lucasfilm always strived to keep the stories created for the EU consistent with our film and television content as well as internally consistent, Lucas always made it clear that he was not beholden to the EU. He set the films he created as the canon. This includes the six Star Wars episodes, and the many hours of content he developed and produced in Star Wars: The Clone Wars. These stories are the immovable objects of Star Wars history, the characters and events to which all other tales must align.
Now, with an exciting future filled with new cinematic installments of Star Wars, all aspects of Star Wars storytelling moving forward will be connected. Under Lucasfilm President Kathleen Kennedy's direction, the company for the first time ever has formed a story group to oversee and coordinate all Star Wars creative development.
"We have an unprecedented slate of new Star Wars entertainment on the horizon," said Kennedy. "We're set to bring Star Wars back to the big screen, and continue the adventure through games, books, comics, and new formats that are just emerging. This future of interconnected storytelling will allow fans to explore this galaxy in deeper ways than ever before."
In order to give maximum creative freedom to the filmmakers and also preserve an element of surprise and discovery for the audience, Star Wars Episodes VII-IX will not tell the same story told in the post-Return of the Jedi Expanded Universe. While the universe that readers knew is changing, it is not being discarded. Creators of new Star Wars entertainment have full access to the rich content of the Expanded Universe. For example, elements of the EU are included in Star Wars Rebels. The Inquisitor, the Imperial Security Bureau, and Sienar Fleet Systems are story elements in the new animated series, and all these ideas find their origins in roleplaying game material published in the 1980s.
Demand for past tales of the Expanded Universe will keep them in print, presented under the new Legends banner.
On the screen, the first new canon to appear will be Star Wars Rebels. In print, the first new books to come from this creative collaboration include novels from Del Rey Books. First to be announced, John Jackson Miller is writing a novel that precedes the events of Star Wars Rebels and offers insight into a key character's backstory, with input directly from executive producers Dave Filoni, Simon Kinberg, and Greg Weisman.
And this is just the beginning of a creatively aligned program of Star Wars storytelling created by the collaboration of incredibly talented people united by their love of that galaxy far, far away...
Translation: we could very well see anything brought into these new films that previously existed in the Expanded Universe—but it may not be exactly the way that it was before. Perhaps the Yuuzhan Vong are the enemies but don't have the same appearance or resistance to The Force. Maybe instead of having twins, Leia and Han Solo only had Jacen, and maybe nobody has turned against the Jedi Order. Maybe Ben Skywalker isn't the name of Luke's son. It's doubtful that we will see any clones of Emperor Palpatine, but we could see a Jedi Knight like Kyle Katarn amongst the cast.
Basically, we have more answers than before, but still no real answers. It appears as though we're in a for a long haul before anything concrete is released about Star Wars: Episode 7. The Fanboy in me is just going to have to grit his teeth and cross his fingers for a little while longer and hope that things don't go the wrong way.
What elements from the Expanded Universe would you like to see in these films?
Leave us a comment below!
Posted by
Unknown
- Friday, April 25, 2014
Starting today, April 25, through October 17, David Hasselhoff is touring Europe for a huge celebration of the '80s and '90s. This is a live 3-hour show featuring many of our favorite artists such as Vengaboys, Rick Astley, Samantha Fox, and more! Alongside our hair-band heroes will, of course, be host David Hasselhoff and KITTitt, his artificially-intelligent car from
Knight Rider.
Thrown in with this nostalgic-gumbo to get your blood pumping with flair will be "flashback videos, lasers, and amazing pyrotechnics and special effects." The lucky countries to be visited will include Spain, Germany, Italy, France, Croatia, Netherlands, and more! For all of your news and information you can visit celebrate80s90s.com or watch Hasselhoff's promo below. Tell us what you think; will this shindig rock the house, or are you betting on a drab party?
Posted by
Fellonius Munch
Fresh off the press is the lengthy new football (soccer to you Americans) promo commercial from sports clothing giant Nike starring some of the biggest names around, and not all of them are football related!
Featuring the likes of Christiano Ronaldo, Wayne Rooney, Neymar da Silva Santos Jr, and Zlatan Ibrahimovic (pronounce that drunk), Nike uses the lengthy commercial to promote its new football gear, such as the 2014 England shirts, which have already caused outrage this year with a hefty price tag of £90. Yup, you read that right. £90 for one shirt.
Most of the way through the video, however, who else appears but none other than the Hulk, as portrayed by Mark Ruffalo in The Avengers! Not being a football fan myself, it's the best part of the whole thing, except for the guy taking a ball to the face at high velocity. Comedic suffering always gets my vote.
At least now England fans know where their hard-earned money has gone so far. What dedicated fan would begrudge themselves a shirt over a week's wages? Only I'm guessing that, if England doesn't do so well this year, fans will be expecting not just the Hulk, but Cap, Iron Man, and the rest to avenge their wallets.
Sound off, Fanboys! What did you think? Is Nike shamelessly capitalizing here, or maybe it's a matter of ego? Comments below and thanks for reading.
Posted by
Eddie Siqueira
- Thursday, April 24, 2014
So, Avril Lavigne's latest video release for "Hello Kitty" has caused all sorts of mixed (mostly degrading) commentary from the anonymous culture that festers the Internet. The video is weird, bizarre, very pseudo-Japanese, and an ode to J-Pop/Otaku culture. Avril Lavigne abandoned rock long ago for more profitable teen-pop with the release of her third album The Best Damn Thing in 2007. So what's terribly new about this?
The same would happen with Britney Spears some time ago. Any release was the object of scorn and mockery from a demographic quite oblivious to the deity-status these artists hold among the average adolescent teenage girl (and, I'm not admitting anything, but some guys appreciate the looks). I suppose it becomes easier to just pick one out and call it a bad seed than to admit the whole basket is rotten.
The negativity that Avril, the dancer/singer (or whatever she might be) received is uncalled for. I'll say it, write it, I really don't care—I stand by it. The video is annoying, the music even more, and I don't like anything about this single. What about the rest of the top 40s? Don't they deserve some backlash?
This episode reminds me of when Rebecca Black released "Friday," her "hit" YouTube single. A flurry of foul-mouthed anecdotes and commentaries best described the video, in short, as "total shit," which is insane. I cannot understand the difference between a Rebecca Black song and a Kesha tune, as it is all the same processed, canned junk food, although one sings of fruity cereal and the other begs for cock.
 |
Avril's Hello Kitty is garbage.. what
about stuff like this? |
Some will call me elitist, but I can't help it if I grew up in a time when pop music had Michael Jackson, Queen, Whitney Houston, and Mariah Carey on top of the charts. There was a standard then, and 12-year-old kids were not necessarily the target audience (until The Backstreet Boys came around). Music was still music, not a product to be sold.
What was sad is that although there always were mall-music singles in any given point of pop history, a lot of artists were accused of "selling out." One example I can think of is the Red Hot Chili Peppers when Californication and By the Way found their place in the market in the early 21st century. "Too commercial," fans would say. Don't expect 40-year-olds to jump around and sing about crushing pussy like they used to. Besides, once you sign with a label, it's selling out no matter how you look at it. Trust me, I'm an engineer; the music biz is dirtier than you think.
Fast forward to present day, and I can't even distinguish singers from one another anymore, it's all robotized, "melodyned," "autotuned," and "vocodered" to the point where I have to keep traveling back in time to discover new music, regardless of genre. I know there are some bands out there that deserve recognition, like The Black Keys and such. However, they are a minority when in fact a song like "Hello Kitty" would have been a minority until around 15 years ago.
Lolz whatever, I'm bored 21st-century style of this ridiculous gossip-jabbering when we should be engaged in an all-out war against mediocrity. I guess I'll leave it to Avril to close this off with her reply to the "Hello Kitty" video being racist. Has anyone criticizing ever seen Japanese pop culture? Like, comment, ばか.
Posted by
Orion Petitclerc
Greetings Fanboys and Fangirls, and welcome to the celebration! What are we celebrating, you ask? Well, who authored this post, and what do I usually write about? That's right, I'm here to talk about the one and only Venom and his twisted family! This May marks the Venom symbiote's—and symbiotes in general—30th anniversary, and to celebrate we at Fanboys Anonymous and a few special guests are sharing our favorite symbiote moments across comic books, television, and film. First, a little perspective.
In May of 1984, a bold new Spider-Man materialized with (a human) Doctor Curt Connors under an arm through an otherworldly portal into New York City's Central Park, sporting a mysterious (and sexy) black and white suit. On that day, the symbiotes—a parasitic life forms boasting incredible powers—were born. That black suit would go on to become one half of one of Spider-Man's greatest and most iconic foes: Venom. I suggest checking out Marvel's special birthday post about the origins of the Venom symbiote to commemorate the occasion, and check out all of my past articles about Venom and symbiotes.
Since its creation, the Venom symbiote has been a mainstay in Spider-Man's legacy. It has spawned (directly and indirectly) 11 unique symbiotes within its lineage, including fan favorites Carnage and Toxin and five other named symbiotes from across the Marvel Universe, including relative unknowns such as Krobaa, Dreadface, and Zzxz. Carnage shares three out of four animated television series appearances with Venom, and with the recent addition of The Amazing Spider-Man 2 film as confirmed by an Easter egg in some bootlegged film footage that was quickly taken down by Sony, the Venom symbiote will have had two blockbuster, live-action film debuts. With an official Venom film spinoff in the making, there's no doubt that the mysterious, living black costume from Amazing Spider-Man #252 has had 30 years of resounding success overall, give or take the few roller coaster ups and downs it experienced in the '90s.
So without further ado, I hand this article over to the fans and a comic creator who made the symbiotes what they are today, starting off with my own favorite symbiote moment.
Orion Petitclerc's Favorite Symbiote Moment
I'm a sucker for anything to do with Eddie Brock, the original Venom host after Spider-Man. I especially loved Eddie's evolution from Venom to Anti-Venom. Eddie went through some hard times before this: his cancer was in remission; he lost his faith in the symbiote; and his hatred for Spider-Man became confused and less venomous over time. He was in a crisis and death was approaching fast, but then BANG! He's given new life and a new purpose as the Anti-Venom.
After his rebirth in the pages of Amazing Spider-Man, Anti-Venom began his new lease on life first in the pages of Amazing Spider-Man: Extra! #2, which demonstrated nearly perfectly how Eddie had evolved from a villain and part-time lethal protector to a redeemed anti-hero. In this issue, he rescued Jenna Cole—a teenage junkie—from the poisons she put in her body and, in turn, gave her new meaning.
After this issue, she returned in The Amazing Spider-Man Presents: Anti-Venom—New Ways to Live limited series as Anti-Venom's new sidekick, but then she was never seen nor heard from again. (An injustice to the dynamic relationship they shared.) In their first issue together, though, Anti-Venom became a guardian angel for Jenna, and she became the living embodiment of his conscience. That's my favorite symbiote moment and, consequently, Anti-Venom is my favorite symbiote character.
Andrew Baker's Favorite Symbiote Moment
"Planet of the Symbiotes," a high-ranking moment for me, established that the symbiote's extraterrestrial race lived by parasitically attacking the bodies of other life forms. The Venom symbiote was deemed insane and imprisoned by its own species because instead of using up old hosts, it chose to establish a mutually beneficial symbiosis.
My absolute favorite symbiote moment, though, begins after Spider-Man learns of the symbiote's true nature. He happens upon the symbiote's prison module on Battleworld and releases the symbiote onto himself. He's overwhelmed and frightened by its power, so Pete has it analyzed only to learn that the costume is an alien symbiote that permanently fuses to its host. Mister Fantastic and the Human Torch help Spider-Man contain it using sound and fire, but being the sneaky parasite that it is, the symbiote escapes and takes Spider-Man hostage by forcibly bonding itself to him.
Then in the famous bell tower incident, Spider-Man uses the church bells and his sheer willpower to strip the symbiote from his body. Spider-Man and the symbiote are both drained, but, sympathetically, the symbiote gathers the last of its strength to carry Spider-Man's sagging body to safety. Interestingly, it's the same moment that causes the lethal love-hate relationship between the two.
Of all of the Spider-Man symbiotes, Mac Gargan's (originally the Scorpion) Venom is my favorite, but he wouldn't hold a candle to Carnage should Sony lose its conscience and film the R-rated Marvel film incarnation of the violent, deadly symbiote spawn.
Aaron Lanton's Favorite Symbiote Moment
My favorite symbiote character is the Venom symbiote itself. Prior to the Superior Spider-Man debacle, the symbiote was the original version of an outside force taking over Peter Parker's body. Most comic book fans' love of the symbiote was the result of seeing its manipulation of Peter through the seduction of power. Peter realized that his supernatural abilities improved in every measure while using the symbiote. Later, he realized this came at the cost of relinquishing full control of his actions. The symbiote sought to take over Peter's body and nearly would have without some luck on Peter's part. Peter would try all sorts of tactics before learning of its weakness to strong sonic waves.
Future Spider-Man films with the symbiote should consider this approach to the character. Spider-Man 3 did a horrible job of demonstrating why the symbiote was a problem for Peter outside of him becoming a jerk under its influence. Peter was tempted to steal, attack without holding back, and be selfish because of the symbiote's influence. Showing his internal conflict to audiences would captivate movie audiences and bring a nerd tear to the those of us who remember the good ol' days.
Tony Mango's Favorite Symbiote Moment
Whenever someone mentions symbiotes, my mind almost always runs to that same image that started it all for me: the big guy—Eddie Brock—in the church. I've never been one to follow the comic books themselves; rather, I prefer the accompanying films and television series. Because of this, I was not too familiar with Secret Wars and the origins of the symbiotes in general. My first introduction to the character was in Spider-Man: The Animated Series and the story arc built around Eddie Brock.
While Peter's time in the church is a physically painful sacrifice of power for the greater good, Brock's time is an emotionally painful request for power for his own selfish needs. It's a visually cool scene that's packed with emotion and greatly alters the fate of two characters in one shot. It also stays true to the running theme of the Spider-Man series as a whole: Peter Parker makes all the sacrifices in the world in the name of responsibility, and this universe just keeps kicking the poor kid when he's down by twisting it and making many of his own worst enemies in the process.
For that matter, as far as I'm concerned, there is only one Venom, and his name is Eddie Brock. Mac Gargan will always be Scorpion to me; Angelo Fortunado is nonexistent for all I care; and Flash Thompson is Peter's bully and eventual friend but no "Agent Venom," and so on.
The Venom Site's Favorite Symbiote Moment
In my first trip ever into a comic book shop, I spied the glorious golden cover of Amazing Spider-Man #375 and knew I must own it! I recognized Spider-Man but had never heard of Venom before. Twelve-year-old me loved everything about this issue, and this classic '90s comic is what brought me into the world of Marvel and comics in general. From that moment on, I was hooked. Venom would be my guy, and I would own all of his stories! I would buy his action figures! I would collect his comic cards!
There is just something about rooting for the bad guy that is so fun. Whether it's because he is pure evil and throwing Spidey around like a rag doll or because he is doing his own kind of justice as a Lethal Protector, Venom's stories always appealed to me.
In Amazing Spider-Man #375, Mark Bagley truly defined Venom's classic look; however, the great thing about the symbiote is that there is no standard look, so artists can take liberties and make each version his or her own. Like Erik Larsen before Bagley and Clayton Crain after him, I enjoy seeing the different visual versions of this character. While I have been enjoying Thompson's run as Agent Venom and I love all of the diversity between the symbiotes in the Marvel Universe, the original Venom with Brock as host will always be my favorite symbiote, and his appearance in Amazing Spider-Man #375 will always be my favorite moment.
Aaron's (@Bizarnage) Favorite Symbiote Moment
I have always been a fan of Spider-Man's evil doppelganger, Venom. I can't exactly explain what my original fascination with this character was, but it was fun reading about Eddie Brock and his symbiote partner getting themselves into daring and crazy adventures, like fighting an army of miniature goblins or having a symbiotic smackdown with Carnage inside the Internet, along with the occasional brooding over Spider-Man, protecting the innocent, and nibbling on brains on the side.
Over the years the symbiotic duo would grow apart: Eddie became the healing Anti-Venom (my favorite symbiote character), and the symbiote would bond with other hosts, the most recent being Peter Parker's old high school bully, Flash Thompson. I had complete disdain for Marvel's new gun-toting Agent Venom and just wished we could have our old lethal protector back.
Then Venom (Vol. 2) #7 dropped during the peak of the "Spider-Island" event: Venom vs. Anti-Venom, Round 2! This time around, we would have a Venom who was trying to be a hero like Eddie and not a villain like Mac Gargan. The battle was epic: spanning from a church to a parallel building, filled with powerful dialogue from Anti-Venom telling Flash that he's no hero while Flash tries to convince himself that he is, and topping it all off with an ending that would make any Venom fan giddy. It may be one of the newer symbiote events, but this monumental clash of old-school meets new-school has become my favorite moment.
Cullen Bunn's Symbiote Contributions
FA: How and when were you first introduced to Marvel's symbiotes? Would you consider yourself a symbiote fan from before or after your work with Marvel?
CB: I guess my introduction to Marvel’s symbiotes was way back before we even knew they were symbiotes! I remember a friend of mine bringing a copy of Amazing Spider-Man 252 to gym class. It blew my mind and, even though I wasn’t a die-hard Spider-Man reader, I started picking up the book to see where Marvel was taking the story.
FA: How did you land your symbiote gig with Marvel, and what was your reaction?
CB: Then Spidey editor Stephen Wacker and I had worked together on Avenging Spider-Man and Spider-Man: Season One. When he called me and asked if I’d be interested in co-writing the "Savage Six" arc of Venom, then taking over the series, I was thrilled.
FA: When you were working with Marvel and the symbiotes, how did you contribute to the legacy? What more (or less) do you wish you could have accomplished during that time?
CB: There were a few things I feel I contributed to the legacy. I feel that I left a couple of interesting things behind. The idea of Crime-Master being part of something bigger, a kind of secret cult of crime, is something that I threw in during the "Savage Six" arc, and I think it could have been really expanded. Given time, I would have circled back to that.
I also think Mania is a character who could find an interesting place in the Marvel Universe. And Eddie Brock as Toxin—I was so happy with how that character came across in the series. Given more time, I would’ve loved to expand any of those storylines. Also…Venom-Mobile? Hail Mary, the Mother Superior of Punishment? Those things were so awesome, I can hardly live with myself!
FA: What is your favorite symbiote moment of all time from comics, film, or TV—regardless of whether it was a moment you or someone else created?
CB: There’s a moment [from The Superior Spider-Man #24] when Mary Jane cowers away from Peter because she thinks he’s Venom. I thought that spoke volumes about how scary the character could be. It was a very chilling moment for me.
FA: Who is your favorite (canon) symbiote character of all time—regardless of whichever universe or continuity he/she/it is from?
CB: Is it cheating if I say Mania? Obviously, I love the character, and I think there’s a lot of story that could be told with that character. I feel similarly about Toxin. I think Eddie deserves his chance to shine with that symbiote.
Posted by
Anonymous
- Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Ladies and gentlemen, I've spent a lot of time working on nonsense manuscripts. In fact, I like comedy pieces that rely heavily on it. I enjoyed Dream Catcher and, no matter how many people tell me it was supposed to be a serious story, I'm not about it. Being John Malkovich, How to be a Serial Killer, Wristcutters: A Love Story... Some of the best fantasy novels and reads are strictly based in nonsense. I mean they literally have little basis in reality, which makes them, literally, nonsense. Imagine then what it feels like to read nonsense that has an absolutely nonsensical dialogue, inner dialogue, and narrations to boot. Think The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe.
You Can't Kill the Multiverse (But You Can Mess with Its Head) is ridiculous. I was recently sent an excerpt from the author, a fellow purveyor of nonsense like myself, and I was blown away by the writing style. It reads like intelligent gibberish, which I loved. I was stoked to find that it's part of a series for those of us who take life a little lighter than others and expect our reads to do the same.
This sequel to Welcome to the Multiverse (Sorry for the Inconvenience) is almost an invention of style itself. Very few authors would dare it and far fewer publishers would relish in the idea of publishing it. The story goes something like this: A young man, a nearly failed but still "accomplished" (in that he made it through school) wizard is working into the night. His plan is the same as every dark wizard's, to punish humanity through magic. What better way is there to accomplish such a feat than to turn every vehicle on Earth into frogs. Wait, huh? That's right, he turns every vehicle on Earth into frogs, accidentally.
So, he's a bumbling, fumbling idiot. Perhaps not the best trait for a
dark wizard. That isn't even the most funny part. The narration of the
entire story seems to come out almost like a thought—with pauses,
doubling back to slightly change a statement, and modesty overridden by
small inlets of truth. I loved it. The only thing more enjoyable are the
comments from other characters that hilariously make smart remarks
about their own situations or actions. Definitely a book worth checking
out, or set of books as it were. Check 'em out and let me know what you
think downstairs. Indie?
Posted by
Fellonius Munch
Possibly the best-known Biblical story tells how our fashionably late lord and savior, Jesus H. Christ, turned water into wine!
Yes, we're a very selective bunch when it comes to paying attention. It's not that we don't enjoy looking for extra sins to add to the other seven. It's not that we don't take the Ten Commandments seriously, even though what happens in church tends to stay in church. It's just that after everything the human race has been through over the last two millennia, everything we've screwed up by trying to be clever—like creating the atomic bomb, poison VX gas, and world-killing viruses—if there ever was a Second Coming, we'd probably ask JC to turn the seas and oceans into vodka and then take a long swim. Every single one of us.
Earlier this week, it seemed that the prayers of millions had been answered, in that respect, when the previously unknown Mr. Mark Phillips introduced something seemingly less destructive. Well, probably less deliberately destructive than smartypants physics boffins making craters out of foreign countries.
"Move over Buddy Christ and make way for Palcohol," the headlines might as well have said. You may have read about that, the powdered alcohol that you add to water, to make your favorite beverage to get shitfaced with? Only just introduced to the United States this week, this happy hour in a packet was soon to be the savior of every boy and girl who couldn't get served at pubs, bars, and booze stores across the States, or those who simply couldn't afford high liquor prices.
Well, Fanboys Anonymous now reports that the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau (TTB) has just very hastily reversed their approval of the product, thanks to a flurry of negative publicity. So long, Palcohol, we hardly knew ya! Gutted!
 |
| One for ma homies... |
Palcohol, which came in different types of spirits (mainly vodka and rum, followed by cocktail flavors such as mojito, margarita, etc), was designed as a handy means to a refreshing beverage in difficult circumstances. It could have been very convenient to those of us who don't have the luxury of weekends, or evenings away from work; it could have saved a lot of money
at weekend music festivals and the like; it would also have saved luggage space on hikes and camping trips (thus making the perfect addition to your
Zombie Survival Kit).
You may also have used it, at the website's suggestion, for cooking purposes or smuggled
it into large event venues (which was a big reason the TTB pulled it), and I imagine the straight
vodka mix would have made a handy first aid kit if you needed an instant
disinfectant or astringent..
However, beyond the TTB's own reasons for their reverse decision, introducing this miracle beverage posed great challenges that society hadn't yet taken into account. Firstly, it presented minors with the opportunity to sneak alcohol around unnoticed. Kids have been covertly bringing vodka into their schools for decades by mixing it with coke and energy drinks. The difference with Palcohol? You wouldn't have had to conceal its appearance with soft drinks to get it into the building. You could go right ahead and slip it into your bottled water, allowing you to ruin your future at will.
 |
| Terrible waste of cigarettes. |
Secondly, in the UK—where Palcohol may have a much harder time becoming legal—we have issues with drink. Northern England has some of the worst binge drinking rates in all of Europe, leading to especially high mortality rates and reported alcoholism in cities such as as Blackpool and Newcastle. But would we have needed Palcohol, as fun and convenient as it sounded? Well…
I don't have a drinking problem, except when I can't get a drink! - Tom Waits, Bad Liver and a Broken Heart
NEVERRR!!! - Marv, Home Alone 2
No, Palcohol wasn't entirely aimed at responsible drinkers, despite the product's disclaimer to "Drink Responsibly!" Even a half-witted marketing team knows that in order to maximize profits for something that's meant to be a breakthrough product, they must make that product appeal to those between the ages of 15 and 35, even if it can't legally be sold to those younger than 18 or 21.
The young and carefree, the old enough to know better but still too young to give a shit, and those who don't understand the concept of moderation, these are the intended markets for any alcoholic product that isn't a reputable brand. It's competition, it's market saturation. Lipsmark (the company behind Palcohol) may not have directly advertised to minors, but they wouldn't have been the only ones selling this stuff in the near future, had it proved popular.
There are other concerns you would have to consider before playing around with your powder of choice. If dumbasses will take a shot of vodka to the eyeball, they would have done the same with Palcohol. As vodka generally ranges from 36 percent to 40 percent ABV (alcohol by volume) at least, this behavior has already proven dangerous. It might only have been a matter of time before somebody handed you a double dose. Then what? Sue the company? What does it matter when the damage is already done?
The same goes for snorting the stuff. You might not have been warned. You'd be an idiot to shove anything up your nose, but that doesn't stop people from doing it. An outrageously fun night of drunkenness and high spirits makes some people act idiotic. The rest of us tend to stand back and laugh, because who in their drunkenly right mind would listen to the voice of reason?
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| "I lurrr da smell of Palcohol in the morning... reminds me of Cuba!" |
Otherwise, butt-chugging? LOL
Although Palcohol was a very clever invention, it wouldn't have been likely to reinvent the alcoholic beverage industry. It doesn't improve on what we already have access to. It just would have given drinkers another convenient option. Yet I think it's safe to say that the novelty would have made Mark Phillips a profitable man. Palcohol may even have become a familiar sight on store shelves, but I doubt it would have dented sales statistics of well-known brands. This would have been a little Internet shopping phenomenon at best, the one place where anybody can get their hands on stuff they shouldn't.
An afterthought: When I read about this last night, I'd previously skimmed an article on disgusting convenience foods. As a result, I immediately thought that Palcohol belonged to Yum! Brands. You know, those guys that make monstrous fast food items because they think people have no standards?!
Was this just another irresponsibly marketed Frankenfood, or was it more clever than we're letting on? I'm sure astronauts everywhere were pissing themselves with excitement, as were prisoners looking for new and exciting things to hide up their bum. Yet after way over a decade of destroying my guts with beer, wine, and spirits, I was seeing past the novelty the moment I laid eyes upon it. This could easily have been another irresponsible product that encouraged young people to destroy their health just for shits and giggles.
Sound off, Fanboys and Fangirls! What do you make of this sudden change of heart? Would you have liked to try Palcohol and do you think the decision was unfair? Comments below and thanks for reading.
