Fanboys Anonymous

Do you ever look at people that say, "well now I've seen it all" and laugh/scream on the inside for long periods of time? Do you ever feel the need to grab them by the shoulders and shake them violently, yelling "stop encouraging them!"? By them I mean the people that come up with inventions, such as the one I'm about to introduce you to.

It's Valentine's Day in a day's time, and you're counting on the local store having an abundance of chocolate and vodka. If you're really classy, you've probably thrown in some of the same stuff you buy your special lady-friend every year, like…perfume, and…can you tell I don't do this?

Well thanks to some mad boffins, say hello to your girlfriend's new wake-up call, the Wake-Up Vibe!

I shit you not.

To hell with wind-up alarm clocks that keep you up all night with their loud ticking, only to go off late because they wound down overnight. Screw being woken up by your CD player cranked up to full-volume, filling your pants to the sounds of Carcass at 6 a.m. (yeah, I did that once, too). Balls to digital alarm clocks that are so quiet they wouldn't wake a mouse.

The Wake-Up Vibe is essentially an ergonomically designed vibrator with a timer that women place in their underwear the night before (if they sleep in their underwear, that is) and wakes them up on time with hands-free, er…seriously, though?! In the UK, this is retailing at about £44.99, so that's going to be upward of $70 in the US. But beware, all you romantic geeks, because we're not quite sure what kind of an effect this is going to have on the lady.

Does this mean you'll get a longer lie-in (actual sleep) from now on? Does it mean you'll be expected to perform twice as much in the mornings instead, seeing as so many of these Duracell Bunny-devouring devices turn out to be nothing more than warm-up sessions for most? What if your girlfriend loses her job because she was waking up just fine, but just couldn't get out of bed in the mornings? Goddammit, what if it's the best thing you ever bought her and this happens:

Permanently.

The Wake-Up Vibe Alarm Clock is available in three different colors—pink, purple, and black—and is available from various online stores. God help you!

Sound off, fanboys! Which poor sap's going to end up watching Nicholas Sparks films this year? Comments below and thanks again for reading.