Fanboys Anonymous

As a kid, I was completely sucked into the Pokémon craze. I had full sets of the cards, pretty much all of the video games (with manuals to go with them), tons of toys, you name it. To this day, I still have an appreciation for the series. I'd be playing Pokémon X & Y if I had the system for it, just the same as I played all of the other generations. But as much as those trading cards aren't worth a damn now compared to what they were back then, or as much as I've outgrown playing with the toys, there's one thing that really doesn't stand up to the test of time or make sense to me as having been worth the fun back in the day.

Whenever I look back on the anime television series, I completely can't see what I was a fan of. There are a multitude of reasons why, in retrospect, the TV show just happens to suck. I'm surprised that it didn't add up sooner to me as a kid and make me stop watching more quickly than I did.

1. Ash Always Releases His Pokémon

You want to be the very best, like no one ever was? Stop getting rid of your fucking Pokémon! I'm pretty sure there isn't a single successful animal act out there that spends the time and effort into training the animals and then, once they can listen, lets them go. That seems to be rule #1. What a waste of time! Because Ash is a dipshit, by the time he finally understands what his Pokémon are and how they can be used to battle with the slightest bit of skill, he gets rid of them.

"Bye bye Butterfree! I wish you didn't have to go, now that you're worth a damn. Wait, you don't have to, I'm choosing to do this. Why am I sad? Oh, because I'm an idiot, that's why."

The idiot doesn't even trade them for other Pokémon that are equal to or greater than the ones he has! He just tosses them aside. This isn't even when he "officially" gets rid of them, either. At the start of a new series, he just ditches some of his Pokémon and wants to start all over again.

2. Ash's Pokémon Rarely Evolve

Sometimes, Ash gets rid of his Pokémon fast enough that he never sees them evolve at all. Sometimes he just flat-out refuses to evolve them.

Sure, I know, there's supposed to be this underlying theme that he cares about them beyond just what they're useful for and we should all respect what everyone is inside and not change them, blah blah blah. That's all fine and dandy on a kid's cartoon show, but in the reality of that world, Ash is doing not only himself but others a disservice.

You think his Pokémon like getting their ass kicked all the time? Wouldn't they benefit from a leg up on the competition? Or what about the professors? They want Ash to do research on every single Pokémon out there, in theory, correct? How is Ash ever going to study Pokémon when he's so conservative about them?

Ash's Pokédex has a ton of holes in it, doesn't it? Some explorer you are. Where's your sense of curiosity and your thirst for knowledge? But at least he's good at the competitive side of things... right?

3. Ash Never Actually Wins Badges by Battling

Wrong. Ash sucks at the combat aspect of Pokémon training.

Then again, why should that come as a surprise when he can't keep them long enough to train them to be worth battling in the first place?

Ash seems to luck his way into badges rather than actually proving that he's better than the gym leaders. In fact, many times, he is awarded a badge just because he defeated the same trio of idiots that he defeats each and every week.

That's not an impressive feat in the slightest bit. That's like giving a kid an A+ on every test, so long as they keep repeating the same answers to the first test they ever got an A+ on. That doesn't prove that he's learned a damn thing. It might even prove the opposite, since Ash is too dumb and unskilled to realize that when these motherfuckers come around, he should just say "yo, Pikachu, just Thundershock the fuck out of these idiots and let's move on with the rest of our day."

"Hey guys, look at all these badges I won out of pity and being in the right place at the right time! I'm the best!"

I'm pretty sure that in the video games, I was never given badges for going through the cave near that town successfully or for being nice enough to return a stolen object or anything. Nope. Instead, you only get those badges when you've beaten your opponent. Can't seem to do it? Level-grind until you obliterate them, get your trophy, and move on to the next town.

4. Oh C'mon, Pikachu is Not That Powerful

If you just watched the anime, you'd think Pikachu was the most sought-after Pokémon in the entire game because of how insanely powerful it is. All you need is a Pikachu and you can beat anything—even the ground Pokémon that are completely and utterly immune to its attacks, like Onyx!

Because fuck the logic and rules created by the series itself.

But in reality, Pikachu is average. Even Raichu, depicted in the show as being significantly stronger than Pikachu in the early seasons, is relatively easy to defeat. You can beat both of them by catching a quick Diglett that you store away in Bill's PC forever afterward and replace with something cooler.

In the show, Pikachu farts and the world explodes. That is, unless Ash is fighting a legitimate battle. Then of course, we all know he can't win.

5. Team Rocket Employs Total Idiots

Giovanni seems like he knows what he's doing, for the most part. But Jesus Christ, why wouldn't he get rid of Jessie and James?

Even if you're a total pushover of a boss who really doesn't want to fire anyone (which Giovanni doesn't seem to be), you have to come to your senses EVENTUALLY and realize that these two are weighing you down. Think of all of the expenses that are being wasted on new blimps and hovercrafts and nonsense that these two employ but end up wrecking when they get attacked by a Pikachu sneeze.

Giovanni looks like he can handle this himself in no time, but is just too busy. So if that's the case, Pikachu must not be that important overall. Giovanni damn sure got his hands dirty when Mewtwo was around. Maybe Jessie and James are the kids of Giovanni's friends that he just agreed he'd help out and give a job to, and despite how many times they fuck up, he's bros with their dads and just can't find a politically correct way to fire the retards without looking bad.

That's just five of the biggest offenders, but there are plenty of others that are less offensive, just as offensive, or possibly even more offensive than the ones listed here. In part two, I'll be breaking down five more dumb things that bothered me as a kid, but nowhere near as much as they do now in retrospect.