Fanboys Anonymous

So, it isn't exactly news to a lot of people that the legendary James Cameron/Arnold Schwarzenegger cyborg sci-fi movies are getting their boots polished once again... is it? Oh, you haven't heard?

Who needs pants in the apocalypse, I ask?

For quite some time now, we've been time traveling (getting older) and hearing of attempts to go back and erase Rise of the Machines (a parodized non-James Cameron-directed shit fest) and Salvation (a CGI clusterfuck courtesy of maybe the most hated directors in Hollywood history, McG, whose name may very well be an abbreviation of McGobshite).

It was a painful experience for me to have grown up shitting my infant trousers watching 1984's Terminator, going on to read every single issue released by Dark Horse Comics, proclaim Terminator 2 as one of the best films of all time next to Aliens and Robocop, only to see Arnie jump back in a decade later without Cameron and essential co-star Linda Hamilton and looking old and wrinkly like a condom stuffed with walnuts.

"AHL BE... ummm... I'll be in my office.!

Then I imagined a few years later that this new fella, McG, might have a good stab at a futuristic reboot of the franchise (I hate that filthy word, franchise) with then-Batman Christian Bale. No! It was balls. It was full-to-the-brim sweaty, hairy rhinocerous balls, fapping all over its audience for a nominal fee.

It was never going to be a Terminator movie without Arnie. I say that as a purist and as someone who knows that the current generation of kids will never know the terror and awesomeness that Schwarzenegger brought to the role of the Cyberdine Systems model 101 back in the day. Hell, they'll never have a movie icon and an action star like Arnie ever again.

Right?

Now that we have a reboot in the works, however, and it seems to have a "yah, ahl be back!" from the Austrian Oak himself, I'm not so sure what to feel. THR has confirmed that Arnie will reprise his role as the time-travelling T-800. But the guy will be 68 years old!

Terminator 5, also being dubbed Terminator version 2.0, is being pitched as a reboot and, at the same time, a sequel. Whether that means it will move forward from Judgment Day as though none of the other hoo-ha happened or will just reboot the whole damned thing, is beyond me. What we do know is that producers are already bold enough to pitch this as a trilogy—which is brave in today's climate of economic downturns and people hating the crap out of remakes and reboots.

The first installment will be directed by Thor 2 and Game of Thrones helmsman Alan Taylor, because what a Terminator reboot needs is space vikings and sword fights. The role of Sarah Connor is now said to be in a toss-up between frauleins Emilia Clarke (oh look, Game of Thrones) and Brie Larson (Don Jon). Its release date is set for the summer of 2015, which gives me plenty of time to look in on developments and take back every insult I've so far thrown at its shiny chrome head.

"Hey! Cyborgs have feelings too... Pretty, and Witty, and Genocidal!"

Tied in with the trilogy, there is also talk of a television series to be released at the same time as the movies (and I'm guessing will star the same actors), produced by Skydance Productions (GI Joe: Retaliation) and Annapurna Pictures (Zero Dark Thirty). Writers Ashley Miller and Zack Stentz, who both worked together on Thor and X-Men: First Class, will be doing the doodling with pen and paper. This is quite impressive for television, but I don't want this to pan out like the Sarah Connor Chronicles or be like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and promise more than it can deliver.

Goddammit, I want it to be like THIS!

More news to come when the film goes into production, but in the meanwhile, sound off Fanboys and Fangirls: Do you want a new Terminator trilogy? Can it be done? Are these people biting off more than they can chew? Comments below and thanks for reading.