Fanboys Anonymous

Welcome to another edition of Wed, Bed, or Dead—the Fanboys Anonymous equivalent to games such as Marry/Fuck/Kill, or "Kill, Bang, Marry" or any of those other alternative names with the same "would you rather" ranking concept.

If you're unfamiliar with these games, here are the rules: three men or women will be pitted against each other and you are forced to place each of them into a specific category of your choosing. You cannot double up on any category, replace people, or anything else. You must pick one to "Wed" (marry), one to "Bed" (have sex with), and for "Dead" (kill)—in theory, of course.

Having just watched this movie the other day, these characters are still very fresh in my mind. Technically, there are five main women in the cast if you count the villain Ayesha and Peter's mom, Meredith Quill, but these are the three who show up the most and are essentially part of the same team. To be fair, Nebula is not official for a team member, but she might as well be.

This is a pretty strange edition as we have three aliens: one who is green, one who has antennae, and one who is a cyborg. I guess we'll figure out everyone's kinks, right?


For these games, I like to use a three-point criteria of Attraction, Personality and Wildcard. Attraction and Personality are pretty self-explanatory, focusing on their looks and what goes on behind the scenes. Something like their intelligence, character traits, behavioral attitude, and so forth would go under Personality, while their physical appearance and sexiness make up the bulk of Attraction. As far as Wildcard goes, those could be any other factors that take away or add to someone's appeal.

Nebula's body has been contorted in several different ways throughout these two films, so you know she's flexible, but that's still not going to save her from the Kill slot. Her character is the most evil of the bunch and only toward the end of Vol 2 shows any redeeming qualities. Gamora is, at heart, a hero, while Mantis is sweet, so the two of them destroy Nebula on personality points.

Since all three women are attractive and we've devalued Nebula's attitude and such, the question turns to a bidding war between the personalities and physical appearances of Gamora and Mantis. At face value, Gamora is more attractive to me, but there was something cute about Mantis that I think would be much more tolerable to be with on a dating level. Gamora's got a mean streak to her and apparently is super competitive even with her sister's eyeball at stake, so that's going to be cause for plenty of arguments down the line. Mantis is also an empath, so she'd get me, and she has the biggest heart of anyone in this series so far. Since both are good looking and Mantis has the better personality, she gets bumped up to the Marry section while Gamora sits comfortably in the Fuck category.

Welcome to another edition of Wed, Bed, or Dead—the Fanboys Anonymous equivalent to games such as Marry/Fuck/Kill, or "Kill, Bang, Marry" or any of those other alternative names with the same "would you rather" ranking concept.

If you're unfamiliar with these games, here are the rules: three men or women will be pitted against each other and you are forced to place each of them into a specific category of your choosing. You cannot double up on any category, replace people, or anything else. You must pick one to "Wed" (marry), one to "Bed" (have sex with), and for "Dead" (kill)—in theory, of course.

Having just binge-watched all of season 1 of Marvel's Luke Cage television series on Netflix, there are three major love interests the main character deals with over the course of the 13 episodes. Of course, there are plenty of other women on the show like Mariah Dillard, Priscilla Ridley, Candace Miller and Patricia Wilson, but the true triad would be Claire Temple, Misty Knight and Reva Connors.

SPOILER ALERT. If you haven't watched the season yet, you might not want to read the rest of this, as what transpires is factored into my choices.


The very first episode shows off Simone Missick's body in a great way, which was one hell of an impression. While Rosario Dawson and Parisa Fitz-Henley are both beautiful as well, I think Missick has the best body, which gives her a big bonus towards the Bed category. When you factor in personality, Reva would have been my Wed option if she didn't turn out to be a deceptive liar in the end. This immediately disqualified her and put her in the Dead slot, even though I dig girls in glasses and she comes off as the most intelligent, which is another big plus. If she's the Dead, then between Claire and Misty, I think Claire has the better personality to be married to. Both stand up for themselves and take no shit, but Claire is much more supportive and selfless. Misty has some trust issues and her career as a cop gives her a sort of dark side that gets in her way. All in all, Claire's got the looks and the personality, Misty's got the looks, and Reva shot herself in the foot by being a villain.

Welcome to another edition of Wed, Bed, or Dead—the Fanboys Anonymous equivalent to games such as Marry/Fuck/Kill, or "Kill, Bang, Marry" or any of those other alternative names with the same "would you rather" ranking concept.

If you're unfamiliar with these games, here are the rules: three men or women will be pitted against each other and you are forced to place each of them into a specific category of your choosing. You cannot double up on any category, replace people, or anything else. You must pick one to "Wed" (marry), one to "Bed" (have sex with), and for "Dead" (kill)—in theory, of course.

There are 4 female leads in the film Suicide Squad, so to do this, we had to remove one of them. Amanda Waller didn't make the cut because she is the manipulator of the bunch, rather than being on the team (even though Enchantress is the primary villain of the film rather than a teammate, her human counterpart was still a member of Task Force X).

For those who are unaware with the characters, Enchantress is an ancient witch who possesses Dr. June Moon, played by actress/model Cara Delevingne. Harley Quinn is The Joker's psychotic girlfriend —a former shrink (Dr. Harleen Quinzel) gone mad, played by Margot Robbie. Lastly, Katana is Tatsu Yamashiro—a samurai who can trap the souls of the people she kills inside her sword, played by Karen Fukuhara.


As attractive as Cara Delevingne is, she's possessed by a freaking witch. I'll admit that there was something eerily sexy about her when she was in Enchantress-mode, but she's still a creepazoid who really needs to take a shower, so you have to rule out the Wed option right off the start and narrow it down to Bed or Dead. Considering how the other two are somehow less villainous and won't convert you into a faceless goop of a creature, she has to be killed.

That same factor goes into why Katana gets the "marry" equivalent while Harley is just a one night stand. All three women are incredible when it comes to their appearances, although I'd give the edge to Margot Robbie as being the most attractive. She's a lunatic, though, while Katana isn't. Harley would likely be amazing in bed and then you'd have to skip town and hope she never tracks you down. Katana, on the other hand, while being more reserved, is still extremely good looking and on top of that, is still super loyal to her husband despite him being just a deceased soul residing in her weapon. That's dedication right there. Without a doubt, Katana makes the best wife of the three of them, Harley has her issues but is the most fun and overall the hottest, and Enchantress, albeit a beautiful girl, has far too much baggage weighing her down.

Welcome to another edition of Wed, Bed, or Dead—the Fanboys Anonymous equivalent to games such as Marry/Fuck/Kill, or "Kill, Bang, Marry" or any of those other alternative names with the same "would you rather" ranking concept.

If you're unfamiliar with these games, here are the rules: three men or women will be pitted against each other and you are forced to place each of them into a specific category of your choosing. You cannot double up on any category, replace people, or anything else. You must pick one to "Wed" (marry), one to "Bed" (have sex with), and for "Dead" (kill)—in theory, of course.

Lynda Carter was the first actress to play Wonder Woman in a live action format, starring as the protagonist in a television series which ran from 1975 to 1979. While she was limited in what she could do when it came to special effects and the mindset of a different generation who still hadn't quite grasped a lot of aspects of the superhero genre, she became a pop culture icon in many regards as well as the first crush for a whole generation of boys.

Adrianne Palicki is better known as Mockingbird (Bobbi Morse) on Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. television series, but before that came to pass, she was cast as the next incarnation of Wonder Woman in the pilot for a 2011 show. Reception for this was considerably poor to the point where it never even aired, let alone being picked up for a regular season. This version tried to keep some campy elements from before while also having one foot in the more modern era, which proved to be a disastrous clash of ridiculousness and attitude like it was suffering from some kind of bipolar mood swing every other scene.

Gal Gadot is the most recent actress to portray the character in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. There was an intense backlash to her casting, with many criticizing her look (both the size of her breasts and her musculature) as well as her acting experience, predicting she couldn't possibly be able to bring the character to life. However, to many, she was the standout hero of the film, and despite the weak reception the movie received, a good portion of the fan base is more excited than ever for her solo film set to come out June 23, 2017.


For these games, I like to use a three-point criteria of Attraction, Personality and Wildcard. Attraction and Personality are pretty self-explanatory, focusing on their looks and what goes on behind the scenes. Something like their intelligence, character traits, behavioral attitude, and so forth would go under Personality, while their physical appearance and sexiness make up the bulk of Attraction. As far as Wildcard goes, those could be any other factors that take away or add to someone's appeal.

Palicki's version of the character is kind of a bitch, but she's much better looking in my opinion than Lynda Carter, as I don't have nostalgia goggles to tie me to that time period. Gal Gadot's version is just as attractive as Palicki's for physical means, but didn't get under my skin as far as her personality went. She was assertive in the right way, wholeheartedly heroic, and a bit of a tease, too, to show that she has a little bit of humor.

Welcome to another edition of Wed, Bed, or Dead—the Fanboys Anonymous equivalent to games such as Marry/Fuck/Kill, or "Kill, Bang, Marry" or any of those other alternative names with the same "would you rather" ranking concept.

If you're unfamiliar with these games, here are the rules: three men or women will be pitted against each other and you are forced to place each of them into a specific category of your choosing. You cannot double up on any category, replace people, or anything else. You must pick one to "Wed" (marry), one to "Bed" (have sex with), and for "Dead" (kill)—in theory, of course.

Three generations of protagonist females from the Star Wars franchise are pitted against each other in this edition to help celebrate the release of The Force Awakens, which stars the latter two of the three women. Padmé is strictly in the prequels, while Leia emerged in the original trilogy and Rey is our primary heroine going forward. All three of them avoid being damsels in distress, all are beautiful, and all are intelligent and capable, well-rounded individuals. The question, though, is how would they rank to you?


For these games, I like to use a three-point criteria of Attraction, Personality and Wildcard. Attraction and Personality are pretty self-explanatory, focusing on their looks and what goes on behind the scenes. Something like their intelligence, character traits, behavioral attitude, and so forth would go under Personality, while their physical appearance and sexiness make up the bulk of Attraction. As far as Wildcard goes, those could be any other factors that take away or add to someone's appeal.

First things first, since they're all largely positive with few negatives, I separated the one aspect that stood out to me: Leia's bitchy attitude. In A New Hope, she's established as having some behavioral traits that would get on my nerves. Despite being saved, she immediately calls Chewbacca a "walking carpet" instead of thanking him. She also falls victim to claiming that she "happens to like nice men" but clearly goes after the bad boy in Han Solo. Then again, she's all sorts of messed up for kissing her brother and then claiming in Return of the Jedi that she "always knew." Creepy. Clearly, she's not fit for the Wed option, so that leaves her with Bed or Dead, and although the slave outfit is the reason why a lot of teenage boys went through puberty, I think Natalie Portman and Daisy Ridley are more attractive. By default, Leia gets killed.

I've watched The Force Awakens twice now, so while I don't know the complete ins and outs of Rey, I think I know her well enough to be able to judge a lot of her personality. She's very honest, loyal, and kind of adorable when she puts on that helmet to just hang out and eat some dinner. On the other hand, Padmé is far from lacking in the personality department, and they're on somewhat even grounds—at least for now, until Rey is more developed. Attraction is almost a total equal washout as well. I'd lean more toward Natalie Portman than Daisy Ridley, but that might just be from having more exposure to her over the years. Both are incredibly easy on the eyes. Keeping this within the universe, Padmé has some weird-ass outfits that take away from her beauty, while Rey has that tomboyish street rat thing that works on a similar negative scale. The Wildcard factor is what makes the deciding vote for me. Padmé is royalty and such an "intoxicating" (Anakin's words) character that her death is the reason why entire star systems are destroyed in the future. Right now, Rey is great and all, but doesn't have that same effect. If I'm going to marry one of them, it's going to be Padmé, which means Rey gets the #2 spot.

Welcome to another edition of Wed, Bed, or Dead—the Fanboys Anonymous equivalent to games such as Marry/Fuck/Kill, or "Kill, Bang, Marry" or any of those other alternative names with the same "would you rather" ranking concept.

If you're unfamiliar with these games, here are the rules: three men or women will be pitted against each other and you are forced to place each of them into a specific category of your choosing. You cannot double up on any category, replace people, or anything else. You must pick one to "Wed" (marry), one to "Bed" (have sex with), and for "Dead" (kill)—in theory, of course.

Obviously, all three women here are from the same film that has been getting a lot of focus as of late here on Fanboys Anonymous, Spectre. While there are two other female characters in the story (Moneypenny and a cameo by M) as well as some extras in the background of scenes, these are the three primary women that won't likely be showing up in any other films, making them easy targets for this edition.


For these games, I like to use a three-point criteria of Attraction, Personality and Wildcard. Attraction and Personality are pretty self-explanatory, focusing on their looks and what goes on behind the scenes. Something like their intelligence, character traits, behavioral attitude, and so forth would go under Personality, while their physical appearance and sexiness make up the bulk of Attraction. As far as Wildcard goes, those could be any other factors that take away or add to someone's appeal.

Since all three of these women are super attractive and none of them are particularly bothersome in any way, I had to approach this by judging mostly on the Wed option. Estrella is someone we know almost nothing about, so I ruled her out almost immediately. While Madeleine Swann has a bit of an attitude, it's more of a defense mechanism that goes away compared to Lucia Sciarra, who is just too damaged from her marriage. I also have a thing for smart girls, so Swann gets a boost for that, and Léa Seydoux is closer to my age than Monica Bellucci (though not as close as Stephanie Sigman), making her a better Wed choice. Then, as beautiful as Estrella is, she doesn't even help Bond out in his mission in the slightest bit. Do you give the Death option to the person who is effectively useless in the plot or the one that says she's doomed to be killed? Sorry, but as gorgeous as Sigman/Estrella is, we're talking about Monica Bellucci here. How could I pass up an opportunity with her and the Bed option?

This is a tough group, but there really are no wins or losses, so isn't that the best kind?

Welcome to the first edition of Wed, Bed, or Dead—a new segment here for Fanboys Anonymous which follows the methodology of games such as "Marry, Fuck, or Kill," also known as "Kill, Bang, Marry" or any of the other alternative names.

If you're unfamiliar with these games, here are the rules: three men or women will be pitted against each other and you are forced to place each of them into a specific category of your choosing. You cannot double up on any category, replace people, or anything else. You must pick one to "Wed" (marry), one to "Bed" (have sex with), and for "Dead" (kill)—in theory, of course.

Without further ado, let's kickstart this!

There are a few reasons why I chose these three women for my first venture into this segment. Clearly, one is that James Bond is a timely subject right now, with the release of Spectre coming soon. I've been a huge fan of the 007 franchise for a long, long time, and I've debated these questions with my friends many times. As to why these three women were chosen from the bevy of Bond girls—many of whom I'm even more attracted to—these three stand out as the most important of the series. Honey Rider was the first Bond girl, appearing in Dr. No, and many consider her the best simply by seniority. Tracy was Bond's true love, the woman he actually married in both the books and the films. Vesper Lynd is sort of a combination of the two, as she was the first Bond girl in the books, the first primary girl in the Daniel Craig reboot of the films, and she was a serious enough relationship for Bond that he was willing to walk away from MI6 to spend the rest of his life with her. If you're going to pick three women to represent the franchise, you're much better off discussing these three instead of some of the more forgettable ones like Dink, Chew Mee, and whomever that woman was in Skyfall who is literally just referred to as "Bond's lover" in the credits.

I'd have to imagine that, from Bond's perspective, the easiest one to start with is Wed: Tracy. After all, out of dozens upon dozens of women, she is the only one he's legitimately married; his marriage to Kissy Suzuki was a sham. There are multiple times where Tracy is brought up in other films to show that she's one of Bond's weak emotional subjects, which never happens with regard to other women. One of his many women who never show up again is Honey Rider, and she would probably be his Bed choice. When he sees her, you immediately can tell what he has on his mind. He gets what he wants and then she's yesterday's news. Vesper Lynd, on the other hand, is someone he gets severely attached to, and then she betrays him. Although he tries to save her life and mourns her death in Quantum of Solace, there are times in which he acts very cold with regard to her. His words at the end of Casino Royale are the perfect demonstration of his feelings: "Why should I need more time? The job's done and the bitch is dead." Ouch, man.


At the end of Quantum of Solace, he drops her necklace (an Algerian love knot—symbolism, much?) to signify that he's officially moved on. Vesper's not referenced in Skyfall. I'd assume given this game, Bond would give her the Death sentence.


For these games, I like to use a three-point criteria of Attraction, Personality and Wildcard. Attraction and Personality are pretty self-explanatory, focusing on their looks and what goes on behind the scenes. Something like their intelligence, character traits, behavioral attitude, and so forth would go under Personality, while their physical appearance and sexiness make up the bulk of Attraction. As far as Wildcard goes, those could be any other factors that take away or add to someone's appeal.

Let's start with the Death sentence. Diana Rigg, who played Tracy, is certainly not unattractive, but I think she's the least attractive of the three, which gives her a big mountain to climb. A good thing for her Wildcard is that she's rich as hell, but there are negative elements to this. The reason she has wealth is because she's a crook who comes from a crime syndicate her father, Marc-Ange Draco, runs. Teresa Draco would go on to marry Count Giulio di Vicenzo—a thief and a cheat who dies in a car crash with one of his mistresses. At the start of our story, she's not Tracy Bond, but Contessa Teresa Draco di Vicenzo, and if you think that's already enough baggage to deal with, get a load of this: we first see her attempting suicide by drowning because her child from her previous marriage has died from spinal meningitis. Holy shit, that is this a lot to deal with, particularly for someone who is such a stuck-up spoiled brat for most of the movie. She's annoying as hell at times, and although she makes up for it at other times, I know I'd never propose to her. She works for someone as damaged as James Bond, but while they have all the time in the world (figuratively, as she's only Mrs. Bond for a few hours maximum), I have all the reason in the world to call Blofeld and Irma Bunt a taxi and tell them Tracy's whereabouts.

Since Tracy has all that against her and is someone I ruled out for Wed, she had to be either Bed or Dead, but as I mentioned, the two others are more attractive to me. Bed, then, goes to Honey Rider, who is pretty unoffensive, but pretty boring as well. She is the product of an era in which the series had a more misogynist tone to it, and women were objectified more than ever. Nowadays the women have actual plots and purposes for being in the stories (thank god) as well as opportunities to show moments of heroism and intelligence. Honey Rider is literally "some hot babe" and that's it. Ursula Andress was attractive, so they cast her to look sexy and be someone who Bond could save. Her voice is dubbed over because they cared more about her looks than her acting ability. She has one of the most iconic and often replicated scenes from 007 history, where she comes out of the ocean and walks up to the beach in a white bikini with a knife attached to her hip. After that, she (by which I mean the woman who dubbed her voice) sings about mango trees—woo! Mango!—and bitches about seashells for a while before either being held captive or running around the island attempting to escape captivity. A good looking woman who has nothing to offer on the personality spectrum means she's the clear Bed option.

And then there's Vesper, the smartest of the bunch who doesn't just match wits with 007, she surpasses him. Intelligence is big for me, and when I was first watching Casino Royale, her introductory scene immediately got my attention by the way she demonstrated hers. That's not all she showed off, either; there's literally a scene dedicated to her distracting the men just because of a dress she's wearing, which speaks volumes to how attractive she is. Can you blame them?



Yes, there are some negatives, such as the whole "evil, manipulative traitor" thing. However, she does regret her actions, tries to circumvent James getting injured by all means, and only becomes aligned with the villains out of love to begin with. Her intentions are good, even if she goes about them in the entirely wrong fashion. Instead of the shower scene being about lust like it is with Sévérine in Skyfall, it's where Vesper shows her vulnerability, and I'll admit that I can fall for that from time to time.

So from my perspective, Vesper Lynd can learn what I can do with my little finger (I am hers, after all), Honey Rider can climb up my mango tree and Tracy can go hang out in that grave, but what do you think? What are your choices for Wed, Bed or Dead with these three Bond girls?

Tell us who you picked for what in the comments below as well as suggestions for the next edition!