Posted by
Anthony Mango
- Thursday, August 27, 2015
Before we get into this, yes, I'm an Android guy. I've never owned an Apple product for a couple of different reasons—mostly money—but I've never been opposed to the idea of owning Apple products, either. So far, there just hasn't been anything that was so much more interesting and better than the non-Apple alternatives that I could afford and justify the price difference. There are plenty of other people here at Fanboys Anonymous who are more knowledgeable not only about Apple products, but about phones in general. However, that's one of the reasons why I decided to write this article from this perspective: as an Android user, is the iPhone 7 something that appeals to me enough to make me want to make the jump over and switch my phone?
Many people are salivating at the idea of the latest edition of the iPhone series without knowing any information about it whatsoever, just because they're loyalists and fond of the brand. As an outsider, it's going to take more than just the word "new" to get me in line. Since rumors are flying around now about this latest release, I started looking at the details to see if anything stood out to me. Here's some of the information I've come across so far.
Note: Remember that this is speculation on a lot of websites' parts, so don't take this information as 100% fact.
Name = iPhone 7 or iPhone 6s Plus or...
Let's start off with something very basic: the name. Right now, it isn't even confirmed that the name will be the iPhone 7, although most people are referring to it as such. An alternative name rumor is that it will be the iPhone 6s Plus, but there are also reports saying it could be named anything from the iPhone Air to something totally new.
What's in a name? Marketing can go a long way based on a name, but I'm not buying a product based on its name alone. I'd be hesitant to purchase a phone called "The Piece of Shit That Never Works", but you could name it "Totally the Most Awesome Phone Ever" and it wouldn't make me pull out my wallet. More people would be willing to buy the iPhone 7 than the iPhone 6s Plus, though, I'd assume, because it would seem like a bigger upgrade and worth the price difference.
Size = probably 4.7 or 5.5 inches
I'm someone who doesn't like phones that are too huge, but not super small, either. I currently have an LG G3, which is 5.7 inches and sometimes can be a little cumbersome. All in all, if the new iPhone is around this size, I'm okay with that.
As far as the thickness goes, one can assume that it would be slimmer than previous models, but that's not a guarantee. Even if it is, I can't seem to find a straight answer for how much it would be. At a certain point, if phones get too thin while being too wide, they become awkward to hold. As long as they keep that in mind and don't make it super thick, that's a plus.
Standard Improvements
It would be odd to hear that the new iPhone would be worse in any way such as camera resolution, display, battery life, and so forth. Then again, how much of an improvement can you really tell between cameras that are already good or displays that are comparable to one another?
When it comes to battery life, that might even end up being worse than before! Sometimes, stronger processors and such just suck up the juice more by default and these companies would rather not call attention to it. If you start seeing advertisements that basically equate to "Oh, uh, battery life? Well, uh, before I answer that question, let me show you all these cool new features. Woaaaah, totally awesome, eh? So cool! Bells and whistles! Who cares about that battery, am I right? Apple! WOO!" then we'll get our answer that it's a downgrade.
Capacity Expectations
Supposedly, there will be three versions: 16GB, 64GB, and 128GB. This is one of the biggest reasons why I've never gotten an iPhone in the past. I like the idea of being able to put a memory card in and expand my phone's space and it kind of bugs me even just in theory that Apple ignores that idea. That just feels like a means to grab as much money as possible and beat down the consumer with the idea that they should avoid buying products (memory cards, in this case) from other companies in any case.
Pricing
That leads us to the biggest reason why I'm an Android guy, which is the cost. Estimates for the iPhone 7 place it at the $900 mark. Hell no! I'm still trying to pay off my $600 LG G3, which I wrestled with the price of for quite a while. Particularly if you have an iPhone 6 or some other kind of phone, Android or not, that isn't outdated or broken, I just can't see spending a thousand dollars on an upgrade unless that upgrade is massively significant. If money is nothing to you, then my opinion on that matter means even less, so you'll go ahead and get it anyway, but if you're someone like myself who has to watch what he spends, $900 is hard to justify no matter how you cut it.
BOTTOM LINE: Nope, I won't be converted to the Apple side of things.
When you don't have the money to upgrade your phone constantly, you need to be conservative of which upgrades you do. The main reason why I switched to the LG G3 was because my previous phone (LG Optimus L9) was rather outdated and wasn't functioning as well anymore. Since receiving the last Lollipop "upgrade" to my phone, it's had a bunch of problems that it never had before, which are irking the crap out of me, but those problems combined with what's being spoken about for the iPhone 7 aren't enough to convince me to make such a drastic switch.
To an extent, some of this is just the Apple brand's methodology itself. As someone who doesn't own any of their products, it feels like a commitment I'm not willing to make. Most people I know treat Apple loyalty as a lifestyle choice where they get sucked into buying all types of their products down the line. Some of those people, naturally, just do it because they prefer those specs, which is the right reason for purchasing them. Others, though, buy them just because they recognize the name better and like being able to say that they own that product. I've never seen the reason to spend $50 on a plain white t-shirt from a more expensive store if the quality is the same at Old Navy for $5, so if you took an iPhone 7's label off, called it the jPhone 7 and decreased the price to $600, I'd be more open to the idea.
Another reason why I can't see myself changing is the lack of flexibility. 16GB has been more than enough for me so far with my LG G3, but if I found myself needing more storage, I'd be screwed if I had an iPhone. With mine, I can just put in that memory card I purchased for $5 and be all set. I also like being able to use cables and other accessories from a wide variety of vendors rather than needing to have Apple-brand everything, for the most part.
Really, if nothing is screaming out to me to upgrade to the LG G4 at this time, then I'm really seeing even less of a reason to go over to the iPhone 7 for even more money. It may be newer and fancier in some ways, but until it starts pulling out some Minority Report holograms and Iron Man-style J.A.R.V.I.S. artificial intelligence, it's just a big check for some minor improvements in my mind.
The iPhone 7 is set to be released sometime around September with an official launch day not currently announced. Until then, speculation and rumors will run wild and people will be asking whether the iPhone 7 will be a success or a failure.
More importantly than what I think, though, what do YOU think? Are you an iPhone user who is excited about this new release or are you sticking with what you currently have? Are you an Android user who will be making the switch come September?
Posted by
The Dace Man
- Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Hey, hey, hey, Dacetacular nation! Check out episode 114 of The Dace Man Show with hosts The Dace Man, Frank Ward and Gibby!!
::SPORTS NEWS::
The NHL, MLB, NFL, and our favorite: curling!
::WEIRD NEWS WITH GIBBY::
Gibby brings the class to the show with weird things going on in the world!
::FRANK'S CORNER::
Frank-tastic facts for your everyday life
::CELEB NEWS::
Dace is back, and he's packing a punch since he's on some diet pills and Red Bull. Get ready Hollywood!
Plus the occasional game ofWho Said It, the crowning of The Doucebag of The Week,and much, much more, only on The Dace Man Show.
As
always, check back regularly to see what Chris "The Dace Man" Dace is
looking at (and no, not just porn), as well as all of the other bloggers
here at Fanboys Anonymous. Remember, keyboard warriors: leave your
feedback! Until the next time, for the few, the proud, and, of course,
the Dacetacular, grab a beer—and in this case a comfy seat in front of
your computer—and check out what's going on here in the Dace-Sphere. See
ya next time!
Listen live to The Dace Man Show every Wednesday at 8 p.m. EST on Mega Powers Radio.
Richelle Mead's intricate writing has always captivated me. She has this uncanny ability to mix mythical creatures with a believable plot and a modern-day romance.When her newest adult series, Age of X, hit stores a few years ago, I decided to wait a while before diving in. I'm always distraught over cliffhanger endings, and being able to read a few back to back is just what I need to cure a good book hangover. After finishing both books in the series, I can't believe I waited two years!
Gameboard of the Gods is a dystopian world–driven story that is so well developed, so detailed, that I actually felt as though I were part of its culture. Given that Mead has a Master's degree in comparative religions, I wasn't surprised to find that the story had a lot to do with the gods of different cultures.
The story follows Mae, an enhanced military soldier, and Justin, a drug-addicted and sometimes too snippy religious group investigator. Without giving too much away, the book is exactly as the title says. The entire world is a gameboard of the gods. Deities finding followers, performing miracles, and demanding a lifetime of servitude are just a few of the plots that unravel throughout.
Although Mae and Justin have a relationship not unlike the star-crossed versions of other series, Mead writes with such mature diversity that their relationship cannot be compared to that of the infamous young-adult Vampire Academy series. In fact, if you begin this series expecting it to be anything like her bestselling series, you may not enjoy it. It's told in a third-person limited point of view by three different characters.
At 160,000 words, this epic novel really gets inside the heads of the characters and explores all the twists and turns as each scene unfolds. The sequel, The Immortal Crown, furthers the story as we learn more about the controlling deities who have decided to make Mae and Justin their puppets.
If you are a fan of complex adult novels such as A Game of Thrones, this may be just the book for you. If you want something lighthearted and flimsy, you may want to pass. The third installment in the series is due out early next year. Either way, this book is a must read and is going on my list of top series of all time. Have you read or are planning to read this series? Leave a comment and let me know what you think.
Posted by
The Dace Man
- Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Hey, hey, hey, Dacetacular nation! Check out episode 113 of The Dace Man Show with hosts The Dace Man, Frank Ward and Gibby!!
::SPORTS NEWS::
The NHL, MLB, NFL, and our favorite: curling!
::WEIRD NEWS WITH GIBBY::
Gibby brings the class to the show with weird things going on in the world!
::FRANK'S CORNER::
Frank-tastic facts for your everyday life
::CELEB NEWS::
Dace is back, and he's packing a punch since he's on some diet pills and Red Bull. Get ready Hollywood!
Plus the occasional game ofWho Said It, the crowning of The Doucebag of The Week,and much, much more, only on The Dace Man Show.
As
always, check back regularly to see what Chris "The Dace Man" Dace is
looking at (and no, not just porn), as well as all of the other bloggers
here at Fanboys Anonymous. Remember, keyboard warriors: leave your
feedback! Until the next time, for the few, the proud, and, of course,
the Dacetacular, grab a beer—and in this case a comfy seat in front of
your computer—and check out what's going on here in the Dace-Sphere. See
ya next time!
Listen live to The Dace Man Show every Wednesday at 8 p.m. EST on Mega Powers Radio.
On episode 17 of the 4 Reel Movie Club podcast, Fanboys Anonymous members give their thoughts on four random movies chosen by some of the staff in the first ever "grab bag" edition.
Host: Chris Dace
Panelists: Chris Cheng, Sam Lascio and Caroline Oliveira.
THIS MONTH'S SET OF MOVIES:
Candyman
Space Jam
Cool World
Office Space
Dark Skies
You can watch the podcast below. Make sure to subscribe!
If you enjoy watching Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk's American Horror Story, so far you have
"Lived at the Murder House (...) escaped the Asylum (...) protected the Coven [and] attended the Freak Show."
Now, prepare to check into Hotel!
With the premier for the fifth season fast approaching, October 7th to be exact, many juicy details (and rumors) have been going around about American Horror Story: Hotel. Here are some things that have been confirmed so far.
The Inspiration
According to Murphy, the biggest inspiration for this season came to him after he watched the infamous Elisa Lam footage, a surveillance video recorded at the Cecil Hotel.
Now rebranded as Stay on Main Hotel, The Cecil Hotel was built in Los Angeles in 1924 and seems to have been a magnet for creepiness and violence from the get-go. Located a short distance from skid row, it has been the site of at least three confirmed murders and several suicides. The Cecil was also reportedly the residence for serial killers Richard Ramirez (the Night Stalker) in 1985 and Jack Unterweger in 1991.
The Cecil Hotel before its name change.
If that weren't eerie enough, there are rumors it was one of the last places Elizabeth Short, aka the Black Dahlia, was seen before her murder in 1947.
But who is Elisa Lam?
Elisa Lam.
Elisa Lam was a 21-year-old Canadian student who was visiting Los Angeles by herself for the first time. She checked into the Cecil in February 2013, and after five days of sightseeing, she disappeared.
Her parents contacted the police after not hearing from their daughter, and a search ensued. However, weeks of investigation, including the use of scent-tracking dogs around the hotel and the distribution of flyers, produced nothing. Elisa was gone.
In an attempt to get help from the public, detectives released surveillance footage that had been recorded inside one of elevators. In it, Elisa seems to be acting rather strange. She is shown entering and exiting the elevator, which remains open, talking to someone we can't see and moving her arms in a particular manner, and when she is in the elevator, she stands near the buttons and seems to push several of them repeatedly. The elevator remains open throughout the video.
You be the judge.
The strangeness of the video caught many people's attention. Some speculated on Elisa's mental health, whereas others believed she must have been under the influence of some pretty intense drugs. Yet no one could tell what had happened to her.
Around the same time this footage was made public, guests staying at the Cecil started calling management. The water had begun to taste odd and had strange color. In an attempt to locate the problem, hotel employees went to the roof to check the water tanks. Inside one of the tightly closed tanks, they found Elisa's lifeless naked body.
Firefighters attempting to remove the body from the water tank.
To this day, nobody really knows what happened. The official report ruled the death as accidental, but many questions still remain. Did someone put her there? The reports claimed there were no visual signs of trauma. Had Elisa been high on something and decided to go for a swim? The toxicology reports claimed only a small amount of painkillers were in her system. Could it be possible a small-framed girl managed to climb inside an eight-foot-tall water tank and lock the heavy lid from the inside by herself?
The peculiarity of this case does not stop there.
Around the same time of Elisa's disappearance, a new strand of drug-resistant tuberculosis was identified on skid row, which, as mentioned before, was mere blocks away from the Cecil. The CDC named the test used to diagnose this illness as the LAM ELISA test. Coincidence?
It is not yet clear how much of this story will be part of AHS's new season, but no one can deny it is one hell of a inspiration for the horror-based series.
Characters
A moment of silence for Jessica Lange. Yes, it is true she is not coming back this season, and she will be dearly missed. Some of the series regulars are coming back, however, and they will be sharing the screen with some interesting newbies. Here is what Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk have revealed about the characters so far:
AHS: Hotel cast.
Lady Gaga: Elizabeth is a wealthy, bisexual hotel owner, who, according to Murphy, is obsessed with art, fashion, and people. She has "relationships with Angela Bassett, Bomer, Wittrock, and Cheyenne Jackson’s characters." Murphy also added that Elizabeth has a "nefarious plan" and viewers will find out about it in the premiere.
Sarah Paulson: "Hypodermic" Sally, a drug addict who lives in the hotel, is Paulson's first villainous character on the series. According to Murphy, she is "the baddest girl of them all." According to Paulson, Sally "hates Iris in a rather ancient way for reasons that are revealed quickly."
Paulson.
Kathy Bates: Iris is the hotel manager.
Finn Wittrock: "I play a male model named Tristan Duffy who is always looking for the next high," Wittrock revealed. "And I think he sort of finds the biggest high in Lady Gaga (Elizabeth). And we have a lot to do together. She sees all of me." Naked scenes, anyone?
Matt Bomer: Donovan is a resident of the hotel and is Iris' son. He will be entangled in a love triangle with Elisabeth and Tristan.
Denis O’Hare: Liz Taylor, a movie icon who works at the hotel's bar. "I'm not actually playing Elizabeth Taylor," he explained, "but I'm playing a person who is inspired by the awesomeness of Butterfield 8 and Cleopatra (...) I [also] shaved my head for the part, and other body parts."
Angela Bassett: Ramona Royale is a sexy, powerful actress who often visits the hotel.
Chloe Sevigny: Alex is a doctor and wife of Detective John Lowell (Bentley). She’s also a mother and will be dealing with a substantial loss in her family.
Is there a reason why the Hotel men all look so similar?
Wes Bentley: "[Detective John Lowell is] investigating some grisly murders, which somehow leads [him] to checking into the hotel." Lowell is a married man also suffering from a great family loss.
Max Greenfield: An addict like Sally. "I think he's lost 30 pounds [for his role]," Murphy said of Greenfield. "Yesterday I talked to him [and] his waist is down to a 27, so he's really committed to it and he looks amazing." Murphy also added Greenfield's character is the center of "the most disturbing scene" they have done this season.
Lily Rabe: "She's playing Aileen Wuornos, which is really fun and bizarre," Murphy revealed. Wuornos was a real-life serial killer who killed seven men in Florida between 1989 and 1990. Charlize Theron, under a lot of makeup, played Wuornos in the 2003 movie Monster, so it will be very interesting to watch Rabe's take on the character. Wuornos will be the centerpiece of the two-part Halloween special.
Rabe (left) will play Wuornos (right) on AHS: Hotel.
Evan Peters: Murphy hasn't revealed anything about Peters' character, except that he "will be waiting in room 64." I would be happy not to leave this room ever again.
Emma Roberts: No details on her character, but she’s expected to appear in the final episodes.
Cheyenne Jackson: Will Drake, a fashion icon and father who lives in the hotel. "He's coming in and he's definitely kind of taking control of things, moving people out of their rooms and making room for his own fashion empire."
Murphy promises this season "harkens back to the first season (Murder House) and is much more rooted in the honest, primal fears that the first season was." Falchuk adds "while (...) the first season trapped you in that house, the second season (Asylum) was very oppressive in the asylum; [in season five] the horror is sneaking out of the hotel."
Fans will also find out on episode six or seven how Hotel is connected to past seasons of the series.
AHS poster.
What do you think of Hotel? Are you going to watch this season of American Horror StoryLet us know by leaving your comments below!
What is up Dacetacular nation? Chris "The Dace Man" Dace here with some big news out of the D23 Fan Expo!
Remember that mega blockbuster hit that came out a few months ago, that only had the largest blockbuster opening ever? Yeah, that one. Well the director of Jurassic World, Colin Trevorrow, has been signed on to direct the ninth installment of The Star Wars franchise! With a release in 2019, it appears that the final chapter is in good hands.
What do you think of the of the recent announcement? Do you think they should have stuck with J.J. Abrams? Should we just hand the reigns back over to Lucas?
As always, check back regularly to see what Chris "The Dace Man" Dace is looking at (and no, not just porn), as well as all of the other bloggers here at Fanboys Anonymous. Remember, keyboard warriors: leave your feedback! Until the next time, for the few, the proud, and, of course, the Dacetacular, grab a beer—and in this case your lightsaber—and check out what's going on here in the Dace-Sphere. See ya next time!
Listen live to The Dace Man Show every Wednesday at 8 p.m. EST on Mega Powers Radio.
Posted by
The Dace Man
- Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Hey, hey, hey, Dacetacular nation! Check out episode 112 of The Dace Man Show with hosts Frank Ward, Gibby, and Patty McTitties
::SPORTS NEWS::
The NHL, MLB, NFL, and our favorite: curling!
::WEIRD NEWS WITH GIBBY::
Gibby brings the class to the show with weird things going on in the world!
::FRANK'S CORNER::
Frank-tastic facts for your everyday life
::CELEB NEWS::
Frank and Titz bring you the latest gossip.
Plus the occasional game ofWho Said It, the crowning of The Doucebag of The Week,and much, much more, only on The Dace Man Show.
As
always, check back regularly to see what Chris "The Dace Man" Dace is
looking at (and no, not just porn), as well as all of the other bloggers
here at Fanboys Anonymous. Remember, keyboard warriors: leave your
feedback! Until the next time, for the few, the proud, and, of course,
the Dacetacular, grab a beer—and in this case a comfy seat in front of
your computer—and check out what's going on here in the Dace-Sphere. See
ya next time!
Listen live to The Dace Man Show every Wednesday at 8 p.m. EST on Mega Powers Radio.
Normally, when a superhero movie comes out, I make it a point to ensure that I can watch the first screening possible and not only put out a Making the Grade review, but also do a Reviewpoint podcast. This is no normal situation and I can't possibly think of any "hits" and positive things to talk about, so we're going to have to do something a little different.
Fantastic Four is a movie that has been plagued with problems since even before its inception, as it was following in the footsteps of its unconnected predecessors—both of which, mind you, are bad movies. This reboot, however, didn't just have to deal with that, as it ran into controversy when it was announced that the cast were instructed not to read the comics for inspiration, as it wouldn't be taking from the source material. Of course, there was controversy when it comes to the cast itself, too, when Michael B. Jordan was announced as Johnny Storm. Then, the problems just kept piling up to the point where we now have a film that sits below 10% on Rotten Tomatoes and is a box office flop made by a director (Josh Trank) that has lost out on a Star Wars project and a production studio that has just as bad of a tarnished image as he does, if not worse.
When I sat down to watch this film, I already knew it was going to be bad, as I'm not particularly fond of The Fantastic 4 from the comics to begin with, but I also knew that the movie itself wouldn't change my mind about that. Keep in mind that I've gone into films before where I was proven wrong, such as Heath Ledger's Joker or the first Transformers (I thought it would be terrible, but I enjoyed it a lot...and subsequently hated everything about the sequels). Hell, I thought Guardians of the Galaxy was going to be atrocious and I also figured Ant-Man would fail.
I was not wrong about my trepidation for this movie, and as much as I would like to do a Making the Grade edition, I honestly cannot think of a better way to present my review than to simply break down all of the flaws in the film, because there's almost literally nothing supportive for me to say. As such, I went about writing notes down throughout the movie about all of the problems that I had with it.
Thus, I present to you, in relative order of appearance rather than importance (because let's face it, with a list this big, there's no one most important reason why this movie sucks)...
Everything Wrong with Fantastic 4
WARNING:
THIS IS A LONG POST FILLED WITH SPOILERS PEPPERED THROUGHOUT AT RANDOM POINTS.
IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SPOILED, DON'T READ THIS UNTIL YOU'VE SEEN THE MOVIE.
ON SECOND THOUGHT, JUST DON'T SEE THE MOVIE AT ALL. READ THIS INSTEAD.
America's Favorite Pastime in 2015's Worst Movie
This movie starts off with audio about a kid wanting to play baseball. Within the next couple of minutes, we see Ben Grimm holding a baseball bat. Do you remember the scene from the trailer of Ben playing baseball? First off, that scene isn't in this film, which is a recurring element where shots from the TV spots and commercials are not in the movie itself. Second, what's up with all the goddamn baseball?
Little Richards—No, Not the Singer
The child actor who plays Reed Richards is pretty bad. He delivers his lines like he memorized them and recited them from memory rather than tried to convince the audience that he's an actual human being feeling the emotions that predicate saying those lines.
My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad, and Me
Why does every character in this film have a problem with their parents? Reed's father is neglectful and cares more about watching football (surprised he's not watching baseball) than he does the safety of his kid who is creating a black hole which could destroy the universe. His mother? Well, she's just hanging out in the kitchen, oblivious to everything happening. Ugh.
Then there's Ben's parents, who are physically abusive. Did we really need to give "it's clobbering time" a backstory where it's his deadbeat asshole father's catchphrase that he uses before he smacks Ben? That's fucking terrible!!
Later on, Johnny Storm is pissed at his dad, Franklin Storm, because....why? He sees potential in him? He doesn't want him to ruin his car and get into an accident and fucking hurt himself? Oh, maybe he's just pissed off because Franklin was a nice enough guy to adopt Sue, because Johnny just has to be jealous of her in some fashion, too, right? You know who else has a strained relationship with Franklin? Victor, who is like a surrogate son. Then, Reed becomes a surrogate son to Franklin as well.
You know who could have used a surrogate father figure? I don't know, maybe Ben Grimm—the one who is probably still being smacked around by his dad at home while everyone else is goofing around for 40 minutes.
Age of Extinction Ultron Apocalypse the Fantastic 4
I don't buy that these actors are supposed to be the ages represented in this film whatsoever. At the scene with the science fair, Reed looks like he should be a goddamn professor more than a high school student. Wait, is he supposed to be in college? No, that can't be, because there's a little kid representing at the fair. Oh fuck you, his elementary school teacher is here, too? Is Reed Richards a 20-something year old student of nowhere who is hanging out at a 5th grade contest?
"But this was a contest for children!" - Frank Grimes
"Yeah, and Homer beat their brains out." - Lenny
The World's Smartest Man is Dumb
In Iron Man, it's quickly said that Tony Stark graduated from MIT at the top of his class at the age of seventeen. That's because he's a genius. Reed Richards—arguably the smartest person in the entire Marvel Universe to such ridiculous levels that it isn't even remotely believable—can't even get into college on his own, let alone what should have happened with him skipping grades and being a college graduate when he was still Nickelodeon's target demographic? Also, why is he fucking up his invention so much? Ben Grimm may be the one made of rocks, but Reed's thick as a brick.
Portishead Proves that Sue Storm is Totes Cool, Guys
If you were to say to me that there's a scene where Sue Storm explains to Reed that she likes to look out for patterns in things, I would tell you "okay, but why?" The main reason is because Sue's character isn't exactly someone where patterns defines her. Her powers have nothing to do with patterns, nor does her emotional spectrum or personality work around this idea. She's not The Riddler, where you would introduce that Edward Nygma is into puzzles.
However, I'd buy it more if it wasn't presented to the viewer in such a douchey way. Sue is listening to Portishead. Name drop! Why Portishead? Because music helps her think, because it's repetitious and patterns exist in it, and blah blah blah, see ya later, Reed, because I've said my part of the dialogue and now the scene is over so I'm going to exit the library.
This reminds me of the memo that was leaked from Sony about where to take the direction of Spider-Man, where they said, and I quote:
"EDM (electronic dance music) is the defining music for Millennials. Wondering if there's an EDM angle somewhere with Spidey? His movements are beautiful, would be awesome with a killer DJ behind it."
Both that plan for Peter Parker and this scene with Sue Storm come off to me as representative of those horrendous public service announcements where people try to rap because they think that will appeal to the kids they're targeting their messages toward.
Not cool, man. Not cool. Why did you have to go make Sue Storm into a hipster douchette in a poorly veiled and mishandled attempt to give her some fashionable nerd cred with the type of assholes that would think that her listening to Portishead would be interesting?
Before anyone says it, this is not an attack on Portishead. I don't know much about their music outside of the song "Glory Box" which I happen to like. This is an attack on how this element of the movie was utterly unnecessary and its intentions are as transparent as product placement.
Sue Storm has No Soul
Okay, not literally, but can you tell me something about her other than this Portishead nonsense? Sue has the emotional range of a door stopper in this movie. I don't think she smiles a single time, cracks a single joke, or does anything but stare off into nothingness with a scornful look. She seems pissed off 24/7 and I have no idea why anyone would want to be around her, much less tolerate her enough to love her. The first scene we see her in (the stupid science fair for toddlers) presents her as more of the buzzkill assistant to Franklin Storm than it does a central character we're supposed to love.
Victor says he trusts Sue. Why? She doesn't seem to be so trustworthy. Does he have a crush on her? If so, he sure as hell doesn't flirt with her, nor does she flirt with him. Toward the end of the film, Franklin says Reed will listen to Sue in particular. Why? Because she has a vagina? All this character does is pout rather than show why she's supposed to be the connective glue that people can relate to.
Kate Mara is beautiful and I've seen her have so much vivacity to other parts, but she brought no life into this character whatsoever and I have to imagine that part of the reason for that was the script and part of it was the terrible work atmosphere of making this movie.
Sue Storm is Smarter Than Reed Richards
I mentioned above that Reed must be dumb, and at one point in the film, it seems as though the writers felt it necessary to hammer that point down in order to try to build Sue up as smart. She's the one telling him that he could have messed everything up with his experiments. He basically responds with "oh, really? Oops!" before she scoffs.
I can't help but think this is a byproduct of a common problem in writing, where there's a self-fulfilling misogynist perspective. Some people out there are sexist enough to not value women in the same way as men, unfortunately, so some writers think that the audience will be unable to buy into a woman being smart, capable, strong, etc without shoehorning in a scene where she trumps the protagonist male to prove her value. In action movies, it's usually the damsel in distress dispatching a villain that the hero can't take out, followed up with a surprised look on the guy's face and the woman retorting with some kind of line about girl power. This movie doesn't really have any action in it (snore), so instead, it's just a scene where Sue upstages Reed's intelligence.
Again, I reiterate that Reed is always portrayed as the smartest of the bunch by far. Sue is no slouch herself when it comes to intelligence, but the way they handled this scene was all wrong. It could have been played for laughs, but as we've established, Sue has no levity and just acts smug as shit. There could have been a heroic scene where Sue saves the day with her intelligence, but nope, she just gloats.
I don't once question the intelligence and aptitude of the female physician who is examining our "heroes" after their accident, so why would do you think you need to work hard in getting that point across to the audience with Sue? Her attitude in pointing out Reed's failure just makes me dislike her even more. Then again, are any of these characters likable in any way whatsoever? No wonder she fits right in with the group!
Victor Von Doom the Neckbeard
Dr. Doom is one of the best villains in comic book history. He is not someone who would waste his time trash-talking 13-year-old kids in Call of Duty.
How did that concept make it past a joke that was in the writer's room, let alone pitched as a serious idea for the movie and then make it in there? I don't need to elaborate on why this was a problem, do I?
When are We Gonna Get to the Fireworks Factory???
Yes, I'm in the mood for old quotes from The Simpsons, as evidenced above with the Frank Grimes video. That's not just because Dan Castellaneta is in this movie, but also because rewatching old episodes of the first 10 seasons of that show for the 100th or so time is infinitely a better use of my time than having sat through an hour of this garbage. Seriously, go watch "Homer's Enemy" from season 8.
Anyway, back to what this quote is referencing (by which I mean Fantastic 4, not "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show" also from season 8 of The Simpsons).
What I mean here is that this film reached a point where I actively noticed how much time was being spent setting up the big experiment as opposed to anything that the audience would really care about. The best superhero films aren't just action sequences, but have legitimate stories to tell. Look at Captain America: The Winter Soldier for a perfect example of what these movies should be. However, the general movie-going audience does not want to see this long of a setup for a science experiment in a movie advertised as having five superpowered people who can do amazing things.
The Fantastic Four have never been the most interesting characters to justify giving a backstory to, so the part of the movie that deals with Reed and Ben becoming friends is kind of unnecessary. Then, way too much time is spent setting up the teleporter to the point where this movie feels more like The Imitation Game rather than a superhero film. In that movie, it's all leading up to the machine being a success, but in this film, the machine is the origin of their powers, so you're basically just dragging the audience along for the boring "behind the scenes" stuff leading up to the point where the viewer can be interested.
Along the way to this point, too, we should have gotten to know the characters and become attached to them, but this film seems to care more about the deus ex machina they're working on rather than who is working on it.
One Year Later
Then, after shit finally starts going down, the film skips past all the interesting stuff with a time jump! Why!? Two-thirds of this movie are spent leading up to them getting their powers and then we just breeze past them learning how to control them and The Thing kicking ass around the globe in background footage and a montage?
Batman Begins had a montage and it was when Bruce Wayne was obtaining the gadgets to become The Batman, because a couple seconds of him spray painting the suit was enough to illustrate that it was in production. This movie basically shows you them buying the paint, going through different colors, buffing out the uneven edges, and then skips past the whole "I'm Batman" reveal.
Adoption from Kosovo
Let's address one of the elephants in the room: the casting of Michael B. Jordan. Unfortunately, a lot of people have an issue with Johnny Storm not being Caucasian for the wrong reasons. If your opinion on the subject of casting for any movie is based on a dislike of a particular ethnicity, I can't support your point of view.
However, I can see why it's an issue in this film. Michael B. Jordan is a great actor who could have done the character of Johnny Storm justice had the script and everything else about the film been better. Anybody cast in this role would have found themselves running into the same problems he did. On top of this, though, some extra problems arise from this casting decision.
This comic was created in a different era where more complex versions of the nuclear family went unspoken. Interracial couples were taboo, adoption could be held as more of a secret to keep, so on and so forth. Now that we're in 2015, we can shake things up to be more realistic, more modern, more inclusive and less discriminatory, but we have to do it in intelligent ways. No problems seem to come up with Samuel L. Jackson's version of Nick Fury, a Polynesian Aquaman, the 5'10" white Bolivar Trask being portrayed by both the black actor Bill Duke and the 4'5" Peter Dinklage, or Candice Patton as Iris West in The Flash, but this movie is so bad that it found a way to fuck itself in this regard, too.
Instead of Sue and Johnny being related by blood, Sue is adopted in this incarnation. Adoption's perfectly okay, but it's a plot point that serves no function other than to try to explain why they look different. Why do they look different? Because they wanted to cast different looking people, not because it's an element of the story.
As if Sue being adopted wasn't a pointless plot element, she was born in Kosovo rather than America, which serves even less of a purpose for the movie. It actually means more to this film that she listens to Portishead than that she's from another country! I'm surprised they didn't also say she was born on February 29th, but even that would have been more useful because you could joke about leap years being every four years.
These two pointless character traits were entirely unnecessary. Why couldn't the Storm family just be an interracial one with a white actress cast as Mary Storm looking more like Kate Mara and Reg E. Cathey's Franklin Storm keeping his resemblance to Michael B. Jordan? Whether you'd play that was biological brother and sister or step-siblings, it's still less work than trying to talk about adopting Sue from Kosovo. Even if that idea seems like too much work, couldn't Sue Storm have just been portrayed by a black woman?
So many headaches spawned from casting Michael B. Jordan, and for what? He didn't bring anything to the table as an actor that justified all the trouble. Clearly, his casting wasn't the magical ingredient that made this film a success, because it's bombing. To be fair to him, that's not his fault, either. Not a single actor in this movie couldn't be replaced by someone else and that's because the script is so bland that they don't get a chance to properly act like the characters. If you replaced Miles Teller, Jamie Bell, Michael B. Jordan and Kate Mara with Anton Yelchin, Josh Gad, Kevin Pennington Allison Williams (four names rumored back in the day), this film would have still sucked just as much.
What this problem boils down to is not that Michael B. Jordan was cast as Johnny Storm outright, but that the filmmakers created more problems for themselves in making that decision and following it up with poor writing with this "adopted from Kosovo" nonsense. Even the first Fantastic 4 movie was able to pull off Chris Evans and Jessica Alba being related—just saying. You can blame bigots for not accepting Michael B. Jordan as Johnny Storm before seeing the finished product, but you can't blame them for your poor writing capabilities in the script itself.
No Girls Allowed
Sue doesn't get to go with them to the other dimension in the inaugural expedition. What a bunch of dicks. She's an equal part of this team and you just made this a boy's club.
Johnny Storm is a Wuss
Why is the hotshot risk-taking daredevil character who lives life with a flippant attitude, negligent to danger and laughing in the face of action the one complaining that they should go back and not explore the new dimension?
Area 57
.......................fuck you.
Mole Man
Thankfully, this is a problem that was fixed with reshoots. Originally, Tim Blake Nelson was supposed to be Harvey Elder, who is The Mole Man in the comics. Nelson not only looks nothing like the character, he also has nothing in common with him, so his name was changed to Dr. Allen. I always say that I love cameos from source material characters in these types of films, but that doesn't mean you just slap their name on some random mook and say it's the same thing.
For the record, Mole Man sucks anyway.
The Reveal 2.0
Why is there a scene where The Thing hides in the shadows and then steps out to let the audience see what he looks like after we've already seen what he looks like in an earlier scene? If you swapped these scenes around, it would make more sense to have this be the reveal. Come on, guys, this is basic filmmaking 101 here.
Fantastic 43 Confirmed Kills
It's unsettling to me that in this incarnation, The Thing is a weapon for the government that has killed at least 43 people. Did he need to be a killer? Couldn't he have been used as a weapon without having confirmation on screen that he's murdered people? This means Ben Grimm can be viewed as more of a killer than The Hulk, who has eaten people in the comics.
Headbutt
Finally when an action scene starts to happen, it ends super abruptly and in such a lame way. Just do yourself a favor and check out The Thing headbutting Reed when someone eventually posts the clip on YouTube or makes a GIF of it. It's so awkward, clumsy and underwhelming.
"There is no Victor. There is only Doom."
Woooooow, this is the type of ridiculous dialogue that I thought comic book films were done with.
Also, don't you mean there is no Doom, only Domashev?
Also, don't you mean there is no Dana, only Zuul? Hold the phone, I think I just figured something out. These writers must have watched Ghostbusters, ripped that line off for this terrible reboot movie, and then decided to write the horrible upcoming reboot of the Ghostbusters franchise as well!
Just the same as the video gamer aspect, why did these writers ever think that the comic book audience would accept Victor von Doom being named Victor Domashev? I'll admit that I'm fully aware that "Victor von Doom" is incredibly cheesy, but changing it upsets fans and we're living in a world where Groot and Rocket Raccoon are widely accepted.
Am I Watching Man of Steel?
Look at that big energy beam. It's causing a lot of damage. Someone should stop that soon or there's going to be a ton of casualties. Oh well, maybe Batman will get pissed about it and kill these idiots.
I've Got the Power by Snap
That is one of my favorite songs of all time. I love it. What I don't love is how Dr. Doom has the power to blow people up at the snap of his fingers (actually, he doesn't even need to do that) but he can only do that to the nameless and faceless extras as well as the sacrificial lamb, Dr. Allen. Somehow, Franklin Storm lasts long enough to get out some dying words and our four "heroes" (lol they're so not heroic) can fight Doom without him just turning them into a puddle. That fight should not have been a struggle in the slightest regard.
That Fight is a Struggle...to Watch
The way this origin story was handled as well as the dialogue are clearly more suited for the early 2000s era of comic book movies rather than 2015 and apparently the action comes from that time period, too.
This big, climactic battle is basically just everyone standing around waiting to do a couple mediocre (at best) things that aren't in the slightest bit memorable or even coherent at times. Choreography aside, even the way Doom is defeated is poorly done. The first F4 film had the team work together to contain a supernova blast and cool Doom down after he was heated up. This movie has them toss him into a portal and the rest is basically "shit happens because science, but don't ask us to explain it."
What's in a Name?
When writing this film, I can just imagine people getting giddy over the end sequence where the team names themselves, thinking that the audience would love it. Nope.
The dialogue is terrible in more ways than one, with part of it literally being:
"I think that the four of us should have a name." - Reed
"Why would we need a name?" - Sue
"Because we're a team now, and there's four of us, so we should...come up with a name for it." - Reed
And there's four of us. Well, if there's ever a reason why you would need a name, it's that.
Cutting off before saying the actual name "The Fantastic Four" is totally not the epic ending they were expecting, either. Instead, it's pretty much the perfect way to finish a film that spits in the face of what it's trying to accomplish. Maybe, since they didn't actually get called that team name in the film, we can all just chalk this up to them not actually being The Fantastic Four! That sounds like head canon to me!
Other Miscellaneous Problems
When Ben and Reed first do their teleportation experiment, they lose the toy car. Wouldn't it have been neat if they stumbled across it on Earth Zero after going there? Sure, it would be wildly coincidental, but with how this film plays with logic, it wouldn't be inexcusable, and it would serve an emotional purpose by hearkening back to what started it all, proving to them that all their trials and tribulations can amount to something great.
Johnny acted jealous of Sue for one scene and one scene only. After that, they almost don't even interact with one another all that much. Let's just drop that plot point off into an abyss, shall we?
Why is Ben Grimm shorter than Reed Richards?
Why did you show me the best part of the whole film, the fist bump scene, in the trailers and ruin it?
I wasn't a fan of them being drunk when deciding to go to the other dimension, but that's not a huge sin for this movie (especially compared to everything else)
What did Victor eat or drink for that year he was gone?
For that matter, how does The Thing urinate? At least when he had pants on, we didn't have a definitive answer to the question "does he still have a dick?"
"He's stronger than any of us." / "But he's not stronger than all of us." - amateur hour in the dialogue department
This is an abysmal entry in the superhero film genre tantamount to how bad X-Men: The Last Stand was to that franchise, and it doesn't even have the strength of the first two X-Men films to help lessen the blow as its predecessors sucked as well, just not as much. That in itself speaks volumes when you can say the previous two films are not only better representations of the characters, but better films in general because they're more enjoyable to this fundamentally flawed and entirely joyless flick.
What did you think about Fantastic 4?
Do you have anything else in mind that we can add to this list?
How does it rank in comparison to the other films?
News regarding the Lionsgate and Saban Brands 2017 movie reboot of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers has been rather minimal in the months since its announcement in May 2014. Currently, only names of the writers, Zack Stentz and Ashley Edward Miller (Thor, X-Men:First Class), director Dean Israelite (Project Almanac), executive producers Jon Feltheimer and Shuki Levy, and producers Brian Casentini, Haim Saban, and Allison Shearmur had been announced, with no legitimate cast attached. It was recently revealed by Collider that sources close to the project have given them the character descriptions of the protagonists involved.
The Original Power Rangers!
Fans of the original television series can rest assured that the movie does in fact plan on some new takes on some very familiar teenagers with attitude:
Jason – 17 years old, the makings of someone or something great if he would just get out of his own way. Jason was a legend in town—a freshman quarterback with the skills to take him all the way. People knew his name and children wore his jersey, until one night Jason wrapped his car around a pole and busted out his knee. Everything Jason was going to become ended in an instant. With that, he lost himself. When we meet him at the start of the film, he’s a kid in need of redemption. By the end, he'll be leading this disparate group of teens as they shed their individual baggage and find who they truly are.
Kimberly – 17 years old, unconventionally cool the way all popular girls wish they were. In fact, she was one of those girls but isn't anymore, not since she’s returned to school after a 6-month absence. Rumors are flying as to why she left, but she seems not to care; she’s come back with a new rebel-without-a-cause, edgy attitude. The truth is, however, it’s all masking a deep secret that makes her feel profoundly vulnerable.
Trini – 17 years old, mysterious and extremely bright. Her parents constantly move for work, making her the perpetual new girl to any school. A loner who owns it, Trini is self-sufficient and contemplative but always observant. All she wants is to find a gang of friends, but she’ll never admit it—least of all to herself.
Billy – 17 years old, slight and awkward. Billy is challenged in his abilities to communicate and interact socially. Whip-smart and sweet but always odd, sometimes in a fun way, sometimes not, Billy is a kid with no filter. Showing his emotions, understanding sarcasm, and dealing with his OCD is a constant challenge. He has never really had any friends and instantly gravitates toward Jason.
Zack – 17 years old, always the life of the party. Filled with bravado and swagger, Zack’s tough and cool on the exterior. A charming guy who’s never had trouble with the one-liners or lacked confidence around women. A great athlete that’s never wanted to play on any team but his own. Zack advertises everything about himself except the truth: that he lives in a trailer park with his single mom. Because of this, he feels deeply inferior to all his peers.
After looking over these descriptions, it seems to fall into line with earlier statements from Dean Israelite regarding the "mature but still playful" nature of the script. I hope that the movie will involve some martial arts for the characters just like Jason in the show. In the end, I hope they can still make the film enjoyable and family-friendly in the same way the Marvel Cinematic Universe has been.
Speaking of tone, it was recently revealed by That Hashtag Show that sources close to the production say the tone will be similar to that of the original Sam Raimi Spider-Man movies with a dynamic of The Breakfast Club seen among the teenagers. This isn't a bad move for the small-scale character moments, but I also hope that the large-scale action will be more akin to The Avengers and Pacific Rim.
It was also revealed that actor Logan Miller (from Disney XD's I'm in the Band and the voice actor of Nova from Ultimate Spider-Man) was in talks with Dean Israelite for the movie. As the movie appears to follow the original series, it can be assumed he will be playing our favorite nerd Billy.
Billy?
So what do you think of the character descriptions? Do you like the way Jason and the gang will be portrayed? What do you all think of Logan Miller as a Ranger? Let us know in the comments below!
Episode 19 of the Fanboys Anonymous Reviewpoint podcast reviews the leaked pilot episode of Minority Report, a brand new television series based on the previous 2002 film by Steven Spielberg starring Tom Cruise set to premiere on FOX on September 21, 2015.
Is episode 1 of Minority Report a good start to a series worth checking out or is the show doomed to be cancelled? How does it compare to its movie predecessor? Can we see the future of this show being a success or do the precogs say it will fail?
Hosted by Tony Mango
You can check out the podcast below on YouTube, iTunes, and Stitcher. Make sure to subscribe!
Episode 18 of the Fanboys Anonymous Reviewpoint podcast reviews the leaked pilot of Lucifer, a brand new television series based on the DC Comics character set to premiere on FOX in 2016. Is episode 1 of Lucifer a good start to a series worth checking out or is the show doomed to be cancelled?
Hosted by Tony Mango
You can check out the podcast below on YouTube, iTunes, and Stitcher. Make sure to subscribe!
On episode 22 of the Fanboys Anonymous Group Meeting podcast, the panel has a roundtable discussion about the pros and cons of seeing movies at the theater.
Hosted by Tony Mango, the panel includes Chris Dace, Calen Ferris, and Stephen Wago.
Some topics we address:
Ticket prices
Cost of concessions
AMC Stubs vs. MovieWatcher
Bulk subscription ticket deals
Online piracy as an alternative
Standard vs. RealD 3D vs. IMAX vs. XD Extreme Digital Cinema
Mass shootings in movie theaters such as Aurora and Lafayette
You can watch the podcast below. Make sure to subscribe!
Posted by
Anthony Mango
- Thursday, August 6, 2015
The Simpsons has been my absolute favorite television show for essentially my entire life, despite the decline in quality over the years. Sure, the show hasn't been good in over a decade, but that doesn't mean the first dozen or so seasons aren't still fantastic!
Since I've grown up with the show, I've learned quite a bit from it about some of the most random things imaginable, ranging from pop culture references to things like how to greet someone in Japanese. It's kind of astonishing how much more I've learned from this animated sitcom in comparison to what I learned in college, and how much it's shaped aspects of my life. I've made friends while bonding over the show, and some of what happens in the series has found its way into my own character.
Inspired by a post on Facebook that brought up the topic, I thought I would present to you a list of just some of the quotes that I've picked up from The Simpsons and adopted into my everyday life and speech patterns. Enjoy!
"I haven't said anything in a while." —Bart Simpson
[From "Simpson Safari," episode 265, season 12, original air date April 1, 2001]
While other characters are talking things out, Bart chimes in out of the blue after not having spoken for quite some time. When everyone looks at him in surprise, he simply expresses this. You'd have to imagine that the writers just realized that Bart literally hadn't said anything in a while, so they tossed this line in there to poke fun at it. Frequently, if I realize that I've been silent for a good chunk of time while other people are talking (outside of when I'm just supposed to be listening, of course), I'll typically say something random and follow it up with this line.
"Oh, I get it! I get jokes." —Homer Simpson
[From "The Last Temptation of Krust," episode 193, season 9, original air date February 22, 1998]
Simply put, Homer doesn't understand what's so funny about a joke (told by one of my favorite comedians of all time, Steven Wright—seriously, go check out his stuff, it's hilarious) and reaches a point where he basically just gives up and laughs. This has become my go-to response when I'm in this situation and I feel as though I'm particularly stupid for not getting a joke.
"So then I says to Mabel, I says…I'll finish this later. / So anyway, I says to Mabel, I says…" —Bart Simpson
[From "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer," episode 162, season 8, original air date January 5, 1997]
This was such a random thing to put in this episode—especially for Bart and Lisa to be the ones in the conversation—and it always struck me as a funny non sequitur to pull out of nowhere, just to fill time when you're shooting the breeze with someone and running out of small talk.
"Meh." —Lisa Simpson
[From "Hungry, Hungry Homer," episode 263, season 12, original air date March 4, 2001]
This word first appeared in a different episode ("Sideshow Bob Roberts"), but it solidified itself with Lisa's emphatic use. Like "yoink," this is so ingrained in my lexicon that it often doesn't register to me as something I picked up from the show. "Meh" is a fundamentally perfect word that gives off exactly the vibe it's supposed to and also is constructed in a way that even when you say it, you're almost forced to say it with a half-assed attitude. How great is that?
"Yoink!" —various
[First appeared in "Duffless," episode 75, season 4, original air date February 18, 1993]
Supposedly this originated from The Flintstones, but The Simpsons have given the sound-effect-turned-word a whole new life. I originally didn't have this on my list because saying it when grabbing something is so natural to me now that I'd forgotten I picked it up from the show; it just feels like something everyone who knows English should say. The Simpsons Archive has a list of some yoinks from over the years.
"Ahoy, hoy." —Mr. Burns
[From "Homer the Smithers," episode 145, season 7, original air date February 25, 1996]
Showing off his old-timey ways, Mr. Burns answers the phone like this, which was the original greeting Alexander Graham Bell had planned to use for the telephone. You'd be surprised how many people have no idea what the hell you're saying if you answer the phone in this fashion.
"Go to bread." —Bart Simpson
[From "My Sister, My Sitter," episode 170, season 8, original air date March 2, 1997]
In the episode, Bart is being incredibly annoying to Lisa because she's entrusted to be his babysitter, so he tries to make the experience a living hell. When she tells him to go to bed, she finds him sitting down at the kitchen table, just eating bread. The word games ensue, where he suggests that she told him to "go to bread" rather than bed. Although I don't find myself in situations where I need to pull this to annoy someone, I will sometimes refer to going to sleep as "going to bread" in the hope that some fellow fan will catch the reference and chuckle.
"Ooooh he likes eggs." —Chief Wiggum
[From "Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?," episode 229, season 11, original air date October 24, 1999]
After Homer gets a job as a food critic, there's a plot to kill him at a local food festival. When that plot is foiled, our standard trio of cops (Chief Wiggum, Eddie, and Lou) discuss what to get to eat, and Lou says he's in the mood for frittatas. Wiggum and Eddie crack up laughing long enough for the pastry chef to escape custody, and Wiggum puts a stamp on his laughter with a simple "Ooooh, he likes eggs."
I love the idea of laughing hysterically at a joke, and when you've finally calmed down, reiterating what was so funny about it that made you laugh in the first place.
Lou and his frittatas.
"[laughter] Oh, mercy." —Seymour Skinner
[From "Sweet Seymour Skinner's Baadasssss Song," episode 100, season 5, original air date April 28, 1994]
Skinner is such an uptight character that it's great to see him genuinely enjoying himself in this episode, laughing at how problematic things have gotten for Ned Flanders, who takes over his job as principal. Skinner laughs so much that he says this when he has to calm down. Over the years, uproarious belly laughter will get this punctuation from me, often after I've reiterated why I'm laughing from the entry above.
"I was saying Boo-urns." —Hans Moleman
[From "A Star is Burns," episode 121, season 6, original air date March 5, 1995]
While everyone was booing at Mr. Burns, Smithers tries to cover it up by saying that they're not booing, they're actually saying "Boo-urns" instead. Burns asks the crowd to clarify this, and of course, they deny it—except for Hans Moleman, who pathetically declares that he was indeed saying "Boo-urns" the whole time.
Naturally, if there's a crowd booing, this pops into my mind.
"Eh, sure, why not?" —Lyle Lanley
[From "Marge vs. the Monorail," episode 71, season 4, original air date January 14, 1993]
Can the monorail outrun The Flash? You betcha. Can Superman outrun The Flash? Eh, sure, why not?
This would be in the top three of the most used ones on this list for me. It's become the go-to phrasing and cadence for whenever I'm not sure what an answer is, and I really don't care all that much. Side note: this is one of my absolute favorite episodes, and it's a shame I don't get a chance to argue that Batman's a scientist or say that I shouldn't have stopped for that haircut, too.
[From "Bart the Murderer," episode 39, season 3, original air date October 10, 1991 as well as "Lisa the Greek," episode 49, season 3, original air date January 23, 1992]
This one has actually even spawned a non-Simpsons variation out of its frequency of use. Back in my high school days, a couple of friends of mine were also big fans of the show, and it became natural for us to use this, so one of my buddies actually followed it up with "It's funny, cause I'm laughing." That really doesn't make all that much sense, but it took the comedy of this phrase to the next level for me anyway. Many situations are legitimately funny because they're true, but it's so much better to use this when something's clearly a joke to turn it into a secondary joke that is a bit meaner.
"I have to go now!" —Seymour Skinner
[From "The Twisted World of Marge Simpson," episode 164, season 8, original air date January 19, 1997]
Fortunately, I've never had the mafia point a gun at my head and bash my hands up, but if I'm feeling awkward, especially if I can tell that someone else wants me to leave a scenario, instead of just saying I'm going to leave, I'll toss this quote out there to point out to everyone else how awkward I feel.
"Neeeeeeeeerd!" —Homer Simpson
[From "Homer Goes to College," episode 84, season 5, original air date October 14, 1993]
Do I need to explain this?
"Then they found out it was the baby………[cough]." —Bart Simpson
[From "The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular," episode 138, season 7, original air date December 3, 1995]
Obviously, I don't frequently find myself able to use this whole phrase, but similar to the post-laughter sayings above, if I think I brushed over something really big and ended my sentence abruptly, there's naturally going to be a bit of a pause. If that pause is pretty long and awkward, I'll follow it up with a cough to retroactively take responsibility for how uncomfortable the silence was.
*cough*
"Everything's coming up Milhouse!" —Milhouse Van Houten
[From "Mom and Pop Art," episode 222, season 10, original air date April 11, 1999]
Is there a better way to express how everything is going well in your life than this quote?
"My eyes! The goggles do nothing!" —Rainier Wolfcastle
[From "Radioactive Man," episode 130, season 7, original air date September 24, 1995]
I'm pretty sure the first thing I said when I got glasses was this line, followed up with "I'm kidding, I'll take them."
"Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!" —Barney Gumble
[From "Bart Sells His Soul," episode 132, season 7, original air date October 8, 1995]
I have a particularly horrible sleep schedule—like, horrible, horrible. There's entire weeks where I may only sleep a couple of hours. On top of this, I spend the majority of my time in the house working on stuff, and I'm not much of an outdoorsy guy, but even when I am outside, I prefer moonlight over sunlight, so if it's too damn bright outside, I can be heard genuinely saying this.
"Hey Lenny, sending some outgoing mail?" "You know it." "I'll probably send some tomorrow." "I hear that!" [High five, followed by awkward exit] —Carl Carlson and Lenny Leonard
[From "E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)," episode 231, season 11, original air date November 7, 1999]
I love the lack of enthusiasm behind how mundane this is. It's the type of conversation you have on a regular basis but immediately forget because of how utterly pointless to your day it is. If I feel like I'm with someone and we need some small talk, I'll take inspiration from this, point out something that they're doing, let them know that I'll probably do the same thing soon, and then I'll leave.
"Lousy Smarch weather" —Homer Simpson
[From "Treehouse of Horror VI," episode 134, season 7, original air date October 29, 1995]
Smarch is the worst month, isn't it? If it's around March and anything is going on with the weather, rest assured I'll be saying this quite often. Hell, even if it isn't around March, it can still be referenced.
"Ha ha, you love me." —Bart Simpson
[From "Lisa's Pony," episode 43, season 3, original air date November 7, 1991]
This one is pretty self-explanatory as well, isn't it? This isn't the only quote from this scene on this list, though…
"Mm. Buh. Sna." —Homer Simpson
[Also from "Lisa's Pony," episode 43, season 3, original air date November 7, 1991]
Those aren't even words, but I think they're perfectly cromulent and can embiggen any sentence.
"If I could just say a few words, I'd be a better public speaker." —Homer Simpson
[From "Much Apu About Nothing," episode 151, season 7, original air date May 5, 1996]
This is SUCH a good joke. Why is Bart the only one laughing? I think it's perhaps the wittiest thing Homer's character has ever said and legitimately just a hilarious zinger.
"I can still make you happy, to the max!" —Gamestation 252
[from "Lisa the Tree Hugger," episode 252, season 12, original air date November 19, 2000]
Even though this doesn't tie itself to '90s culture in the episode, I tend to pull "to the max" out when referring to something that's totally radical from that era.
"Gotta nuke something." —Nelson Muntz
[from "Lisa's Date with Density," episode 160, season 8, original air date December 15, 1996]
I'm pretty outspoken, so once in a while, I'll say something that will get under someone else's skin because they consider me horribly insensitive. I'm totally not a horrible monster, but if I were to say something such as I'm not a vegetarian because bacon tastes too good, and someone asked how I could eat an animal, I'd likely respond with either something snarky like "on a lightly toasted bun" or a general statement of passive acceptance like "gotta ____ something," such as "gotta eat something."
"It's just a little dirty! It's still good! It's still good!" —Homer Simpson
[From "Lisa the Vegetarian," episode 133, season 7, original air date October 15, 1995]
This comes from one of my favorite episodes, wherein Lisa pushes Homer's pig off the grill, and it goes through the bushes, into the road, through a dam's spillway, and then is rocketed into the sky. I don't eat things that I drop on the ground, but if I'm in a lighthearted enough mood, I'll tend to throw this phrase out there if only to make myself laugh at the situation.
Bonus points for another one of my favorite jokes with Wiggum laughing at the pig's nose.
"Oh yeah? Come here a minute!" —Homer Simpson
[From "A Tale of Two Springfields," episode 250, season 12, original air date November 5, 2000]
I'll admit, I use lowbrow expressions from time to time. Thus why this list is so long!
I'm sure there are dozens, if not hundreds more that I don't currently remember and some that I may not even realize I've picked up from The Simpsons, but this is just a taste of how influential a TV show can be on your life—or at least on mine.
What are some of your favorite quotes from The Simpsons that you've adopted into your regular speech patterns? Do you instinctively say "D'oh!" when you're angry or position your hands like Mr. Burns when you say something is "excellent"? Are you guilty of saying "zork" and referring to bananas as yellow fatty-beans?
Enlighten us on all the craptacular things you say by leaving a comment below, especially if you pronounce it "avoision," you Kwyjibos!
