It's time to settle the score of some of the greatest battles never to happen in history! What would happen if a bear fought Popeye? How 'bout if Stephen Colbert went toe-to-toe with a mutated slice of pizza? Well the crew at The Dace Man Show are here to discuss the vast potential of such match-ups.
This episode, Frank Ward faces off against Dan Raup to debate whether a wizard or Dr. Horrible would win a battle!
Welcome to The Duel!
The Duel is brought to you by Skybound's SuperFight! You can purchase the starter deck and all expansions here: https://www.superfightgame.com/
As always, check back regularly to see what Chris "The Dace Man" Dace is looking at (and no, not just porn), as well as all of the other bloggers here at Fanboys Anonymous. Remember, keyboard warriors: leave your feedback! Until the next time, for the few, the proud, and, of course, the Dacetacular, grab a beer—and in this case your SuperFight! starter deck!—and check out what's going on here in the Dace-Sphere. See ya next time!
Listen live to The Dace Man Show every Wednesday at 8 p.m. EST on Mega Powers Radio.
There are certain movies that certain people simply need to see. For example, if you love baseball, you can't be on this planet if you haven't seen Field of Dreams, The Natural, and perhaps Major League. If you are into boxing, there's Rocky and Raging Bull. If you're big into arm wrestling, there's Over the Top and… well... pretty much just that one. The point is, you can't consider yourself a real fan of something if you don't know the Hollywood vernacular.
The same is true for gambling. If you're an avid game-player—whether you actually go to casinos or just enjoy playing online—there are a few movies you need to know about. If you haven't seen these, find a way to watch them immediately.
Casino
Of course, a movie named Casino has to be included here, as it makes pretty much every list, such as this one. But aside from the obvious connection, this is a terrific film. If you don't know, Casino is based on two real-life guys: Frank "Lefty" Rosenthal and Tony "The Ant" Spilotro, played by Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci, respectively. If you think of it as Goodfellas in Vegas, you're not far off.
The Cincinnati Kid
If you're a poker player, you'll like this one. Starring Edward G. Robinson, Ann-Margret, and Steve McQueen as the titular character, the film is about a young hotshot poker player whose trials and tribulations eventually lead to a high-stakes game with a legendary champ.
California Split
If there is such a thing as a buddy-gambler movie, this is it. A down-on-his-luck gambler played by George Segal meets rambunctious Charlie (Elliott Gould) and the two embark on a betting tirade that leads them to a huge poker game in Reno. If you haven't heard of this one (and chances are you haven't), you should read more about it in this review.
The Gambler
A little more somber than the previous examples, The Gambler is still a fine film worth a look. It stars James Caan who, when he's not teaching Dostoyevsky in his college class, can be found at a blackjack table.
Rounders
A guy named Worm has a big debt and he turns to his old friend Mike to help pay it off. Things don't go as planned (they never seem to in the movies) and the only way to save Worm is for Mike to beat a Russian gangster in a high-stakes poker game.
The Cooler
Everybody at one point or another has experienced "that guy" who seems to able to turn a hot streak into a cold one just by walking into a room. Well, Bernie Lootz (William H. Macy) is that guy, and he uses his special ability at a Vegas casino. But what happens when love affects his cooling abilities?
Happy New Year, Dacetacular Nation! The Dace Man is back, bringing you the Netflix streaming series set to debut this year!
There has never been a better time to be a fan of television and everything it has to offer. With so many streaming services these days like Amazon, Hulu, and the juggernaut Netflix, there is an ample amount of series to select from for those jonesing to binge on a good 13 hours of drama and/or comedy.
Yours truly has gonna out and compiled the list for you of both returning series and series getting a fresh launch. Check it out below!
Debuting Series:
Luke Cage: Season 1 (TBA)
The Crown: Season 1 (TBA)
Degrassi: The Next Class: Season 1 (January 15, 2016)
Flaked: Season 1 (TBA)
A Series Of Unfortunate Events: Season 1 (TBA)
Love: Season 1 (TBA)
Chelsea Handler's New Talk Show: Season 1 + Chelsea Does (January 26, 2016)
The Get Down: Season 1 (TBA)
The OA: Season 1 (TBA)
Fuller House: Season 1 (February 26, 2016)
The Ranch: Season 1 (TBA)
Lost In Space: Season 1 (TBA)
Lady Dynamite: Season 1 (TBA)
Returning Series:
Between: Season 2 (May 2016)
Arrested Development: Season 5 (Mid-2016)
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt: Season 2 (March 2016)
Narcos: Season 2 (August 2016)
Black Mirror: Season 3 (TBA)
Bloodline: Season 2 (Spring 2016)
House Of Cards: Season 4 (March 4, 2016)
Grace and Frankie: Season 2 & 3 (Beginning of 2016 and end of 2016 respectively)
Longmire: Season 5 (TBA)
Bojack Horseman: Season 3 (Mid-2016)
Marco Polo: Season 2 (Late 2016)
Sense8: Season 2 (Late 2016)
Trailer Park Boys: Season 10 & 11 (Spring 2016 and end 2016)
Club De Cuervos: Season 2 (TBA)
Orange Is the New Black: Season 4 (June 2016)
Daredevil: Season 2 (Spring 2016)
Stranger Things: Season 2 (TBA)
As always, check back regularly to see what Chris "The Dace Man" Dace is looking at (and no, not just porn), as well as all of the other bloggers here at Fanboys Anonymous. Remember, keyboard warriors: leave your feedback! Until the next time, for the few, the proud, and, of course, the Dacetacular, grab a beer—and in this case lots and lots of junk food —and check out what's going on here in the Dace-Sphere. See ya next time!
Listen live to The Dace Man Show every Wednesday at 8 p.m. EST on Mega Powers Radio.
Posted by
Anthony Mango
- Saturday, January 2, 2016
Welcome to another edition of 6 Flicks Picks, wherein I list all of the upcoming films that are scheduled to be released in the United States for the month which is about to begin and break down which ones I'll be watching in theaters, which ones I'll wait to rent at home, and which ones I'll be skipping out on entirely. After going through the list, I'll choose which six films stand out to me as the ones I want to see the most, even if there are more or less than six that interest me.
Note: The list below is based primarily off the expanded nationwide USA release dates on IMDB as well as some other random outlets if possible, so some information may be different. If I am missing some of the limited releases or the dates conflict in some fashion, please let me know in the comments below and any adjustments and corrections will be made!
Without further ado, another new month means another new set of films, so what's coming soon to theaters in January 2016?
RELEASE DATE: January 8, 2016
The Forest
Synopsis: An unexplained horror occurs in a Japanese forest.
Will I watch? = No
The Revenant
Synopsis: In the 1820s, a frontiersman named Hugh Glass sets out on a path of vengeance against those who left him for dead after a bear mauling.
Will I watch? = Yes
Anomalisa
Synopsis: A man crippled by the mundanity of his life experiences something out of the ordinary.
Will I watch? = Maybe
Wazir
Synopsis: 'Wazir' is a tale of two unlikely friends, a wheelchair-bound chess grandmaster and a brave ATS officer. Brought together by grief and a strange twist of fate, the two men decide to help each other win the biggest games of their lives. But there's a mysterious, dangerous opponent lurking in the shadows, who is all set to checkmate them.
Will I watch? = No
Anesthesia
Synopsis: Multiple lives intersect in the aftermath of the violent mugging of a Columbia University philosophy professor.
Will I watch? = Maybe
The Masked Saint
Synopsis:"The Masked Saint" is based on a true story about one pastor's mission to help his community by risking his identity and returns to his former life as a wrestler. The triumphant story follows one man's journey and struggle between helping others and the consequences he faces doing this.
Will I watch? = Maybe
Yosemite
Synopsis: It's the fall of 1985. The intertwining tales of three 5th grade friends, Chris, Joe and Ted, unfold in the suburban paradise of Palo Alto, as the threat of a mountain lion looms over the community.
Will I watch? = No
RELEASE DATE: January 15, 2016
Ride Along 2
Synopsis: As his wedding day approaches, Ben heads to Miami with his soon-to-be brother-in-law James to bring down a drug dealer who's supplying the dealers of Atlanta with product.
Will I watch? = Maybe
13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi
Synopsis: An American Ambassador is killed during an attack at a U.S. compound in Libya as a security team struggles to make sense out of the chaos.
Will I watch? = Maybe
Norm of the North
Synopsis: Displaced from their Arctic home, a polar bear named Norm and his three lemming friends wind up in New York City, where Norm becomes the mascot of a corporation he soon learns is tied to the fate of his homeland.
Will I watch? = No
Band of Robbers
Synopsis: Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn are grown men, still searching for the hidden treasure that has eluded them since childhood.
Will I watch? = Maybe
The Benefactor
Synopsis: A philanthropist meddles in the lives of newly-married couples in an attempt to relive his past.
Will I watch? = Maybe
RELEASE DATE: January 22, 2016
Dirty Grandpa
Synopsis: Right before his wedding, an uptight guy is tricked into driving his grandfather, a perverted former Army general, to Florida for spring break.
Will I watch? = Maybe
The 5th Wave
Synopsis: Four waves of increasingly deadly alien attacks have left most of Earth decimated. Cassie is on the run, desperately trying to save her younger brother.
Will I watch? = Yes
The Boy
Synopsis: An American nanny is shocked that her new English family's boy is actually a life-sized doll. After violating a list of strict rules, disturbing events make her believe that the doll is really alive.
Will I watch? = No
Ip Man 3
Synopsis: When a band of brutal gangsters led by a crooked property developer make a play to take over the city, Master Ip is forced to take a stand.
Will I watch? = Maybe
Synchronicity
Synopsis: From the creators of The Signal (Sundance 2007) comes Synchronicity, a mind-bending 'Sci-fi Noir' in the tradition of Dark City, Blade Runner, and Alphaville. When physicist Jim Beale invents a machine that can fold space-time, a rare Dahlia appears from the future. He must now find the flower's identical match in the present to prove his machine works. Jim soon discovers that the Dahlia lies in the hands of a mysterious girl, who seduces him into revealing his secrets. Convinced that he's fallen prey to a femme fatale trying to steal his invention, Jim travels back in time to stop her betrayal before it happens. But once in the past, Jim uncovers a surprising truth about the machine, the girl, and his own reality.
Will I watch? = Maybe
Mojave
Synopsis: A suicidal artist goes into the desert, where he finds his doppelgänger, a homicidal drifter.
Will I watch? = No
Aferim!
Synopsis: Set in early 19th century Wallachia, when a local policeman, Costandin, is hired by Iordache, a boyar (local noble), to find Carfin, a Gypsy slave who had run away from the boyar's estate after having an affair with his wife, Sultana. Costandin sets out to find the fugitive, beginning a journey full of adventures. Gypsy slavery lasted from the 14th century up until the middle of the 19th century, a situation which is very little known and almost nonexistent in the public debate today, although its impact continues to influence Romania's social life.
Will I watch? = No
Exposed
Synopsis: After witnessing a miracle, a young Latina woman experiences strange things as a police detective searches for the truth behind his partner's death.
Will I watch? = Maybe
RELEASE DATE: January 29, 2016
The Finest Hours
Synopsis: The Coast Guard makes a daring rescue attempt off the coast of Cape Cod after a pair of oil tankers are destroyed during a blizzard in 1952.
Will I watch? = No
Kung Fu Panda 3
Synopsis: Continuing his "legendary adventures of awesomeness", Po must face two hugely epic, but different threats: one supernatural and the other a little closer to his home.
Will I watch? = No
Fifty Shades of Black
Synopsis: A parody of the popular film/novel 50 Shades of Gray.
Will I watch? = No
Lights Out
Synopsis: A woman is haunted by a creature that only appears when the lights go out. A feature adaptation of the 2013 short film, "Lights Out" by David Sandberg.
Will I watch? = No
Jane Got a Gun
Synopsis: A woman asks her ex-lover for help in order to save her outlaw husband from a gang out to kill him.
Will I watch? = Maybe
6 FLICKS PICKS
January can be a slow month due to weather conditions and the fact that nobody wants to put up a fight against Star Wars: The Force Awakens, but there are still 11 movies that I would check out, with the following being at the top of the list:
6. Band of Robbers — The premise seems interesting, Eric Christian Olsen is a massively underutilized star, and after checking out many of these trailers, this was one of the few that I didn't just wish would end sooner than it did. This strikes me as more of a download than a theater viewing, but in the confines of this segment, it gets bumped up.
5. Synchronicity — It likens itself to Dark City and Blade Runner. To most people, that would be great, but I was actually bored with those movies, which might be a bad sign. I wouldn't be surprised if this fell victim to the indie curse of being more ambitious than its execution could pull off. The pitch of the idea of the film has me intrigued, yet I can imagine being disappointed with the final product.
4. Anesthesia — I enjoy movies about intersecting lives and how the world around us might just be smaller than we really think. That is, of course, if those movies are good. At the very least, I like the idea behind those types of films, so this had me interested just by reading the synopsis.
3. Dirty Grandpa — This movie could be the utter shits, but it could also be pretty damn funny. Robert De Niro has a wide range of being anything from awesome to terrible, so I don't know where this will end up. Zac Efron is pretty reliable, Aubrey Plaza is hot, and I'm game to check this out.
2. The 5th Wave — As far as the young adult genre goes, this trailer didn't strike me as much as some other things did, like The Maze Runner or The Hunger Games or even Divergent (boy did that end up being disappointing overall), but I still think it might be worth investing the time to watch. Reviews are going to play a big factor into whether or not I see this sooner or later, but unless it has a terrible score, I'm fairly certain I'll be giving it a chance.
1. The Revenant — This is either going to be awesome or a massively overrated piece of crap that I have to argue with people about all the time. Here's hoping it's more of the former and less of the latter. I don't want to sit through another The Tree of Life. Yes, I know Alejandro González Iñárritu didn't do that movie, but that's my go-to movie to use as a comparison when I think something might be along the same spectrum. Despite liking Birdman, I wasn't as impressed as most people were, so I don't know where I stand when it comes to this, but at the very least, it's caught my attention quite a bit.
Welcome to a special edition of 6 Flicks Picks to jump-start the year 2016! Since the first Friday of the month is not actually when any new films are being released, I thought I would do something a bit different and do a very generalized breakdown of 2016 overall.
Naturally, this edition won't be listing the releases of every single movie that will be coming out in the year—partially because that's too daunting of a task and partially because even the studios don't know all of those yet—but it will still follow the same format as far as the picks go. This will be much harder, as there are hundreds of films that will be coming out, but it still boils down to the same concept: if I had to pick only six movies that I could watch, which ones would they be?
Without further ado, let's take a look at what makes my cut for 2016!
6 FLICKS PICKS for 2016
This is so difficult, especially because I don't even know how many movies are going to come out that I'm completely unaware of. That being said, there are some huge films coming out, so I ended up sticking to some pretty standard choices. Even still, that in itself made this hard, because when this is based on a monthly list, they aren't in direct competition with one another. I actually got my list down to 10 and then got stuck.
What Didn't Make the List: Sorry Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, you're #10 because I just didn't enjoy the first movie enough to justify putting you higher, even though I loved you as a kid. #9 ended up being Gambit, which I'm really excited for, but I've yet to see anything to base this movie on. The first trailer could look terrible. Star Trek Beyond is #8 and while I very, very much enjoyed both of the previous films, this trailer didn't wow me and I'm not as loyal to the brand as I am to other things. Rounding out the ones that were rejected is Doctor Strange. Yeah…sadly, a Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) movie isn't on here. This is primarily because I don't like magic and Doctor Strange is a character that has never resonated with me. Don't get me wrong, I'm very interested in the movie and it will probably be great and make me have a newfound appreciation for the character, but while I enjoyed stuff about Iron Man and Hulk and whatnot before those movies, the same doesn't apply for Stephen Strange.
6. Deadpool — I'm going on record saying that I don't think this movie will be fantastic. In fact, it even has potential to flat out suck. Then again, it has the potential to be one of the most fun and funny movies of the year. I think the Deadpool character is getting ruined a bit with its popularity because of how watered down a lot of it has become. Chimichangas aren't funny to me just because they have a funny name, for instance, and seeing cosplayers try to act like Deadpool is embarrassing. If we get that quality, it will be a disappointment, but here's hoping we don't, as a well-done movie could kick so much ass.
5. Suicide Squad — Boy does this movie have the ability to go either way as well. I've always loved the concept, but I think DC is rushing into this movie far too quickly. This shouldn't have come out until after Justice League as a sort of piggyback idea of "well, if the heroes could form a team, why not villains?" I'm not loving everything I see, but I'm not hating any of it, either, other than Jared Leto and Margot Robbie having tattoos all over the place. Ugh. This movie could test my patience or it could open me up to a whole new thought process for superhero films.
4. X-Men: Apocalypse — X-Men: Days of Future Past was such a glorious movie in many ways that I feel I have to give this movie a high ranking just out of respect for that, even though there are a lot of flaws that I'm worried about from the trailer. Apocalypse is one of my favorite villains, and I don't know if this story is going to be done with the same amount of attention to detail that DOFP was, which makes me a bit nervous. I'm not expecting it to be as good, so it will be a shame if that ends up being true, but since we haven't had a bad X-Men film since X-Men Origins: Wolverine, maybe history is on its side.
3. Captain America: Civil War — Duh. Right? #ImWithCap
2. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice — Why do I feel like this movie has the biggest potential on the list both in terms of a positive outlook and a negative possibility? This movie could end up being something I geek out over to a dangerous heart attack level or it could piss me off to oblivion with dumb ideas like Man of Steel did at times. If they ruin this movie, they'll effectively ruin the entire DCEU for me and I don't know what they could do at that point to bring me back. If they nail it and it ends up being super awesome, then suddenly my expectations skyrocket for Justice League to be potentially even better than The Avengers. Don't let me down, guys, cause Batman is my favorite superhero of all time.
1. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story — After seeing how good The Force Awakens was, how could I not rank this at the top of the list?
Posted by
The Dace Man
- Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Hey, hey, hey, Dacetacular nation! Check out episode 132 of The Dace Man Show with hosts Chris "The Dace Man" Dace, Frank Ward, and Gibby!!
::SPORTS NEWS::
The NHL, MLB, NFL, and our favorite: curling!
::WEIRD NEWS WITH GIBBY::
Gibby brings the class to the show with weird things going on in the world!
::FRANK'S CORNER::
Frank-tastic facts for your everyday life
::CELEB NEWS::
Dace is back, and he's packing a punch since he's on some diet pills and Red Bull. Get ready Hollywood!
Plus the occasional game ofWho Said It, the crowning of The Doucebag of The Week,and much, much more, only on The Dace Man Show.
As always, check back regularly to see what Chris "The Dace Man" Dace is looking at (and no, not just porn), as well as all of the other bloggers here at Fanboys Anonymous. Remember, keyboard warriors: leave your feedback! Until the next time, for the few, the proud, and, of course,the Dacetacular, grab a beer—and in this case a comfy seat in front of your computer—and check out what's going on here in the Dace-Sphere. See ya next time!
Listen live to The Dace Man Show every Wednesday at 8 p.m. EST on Mega Powers Radio.
Posted by
Anthony Mango
- Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Piracy tracking firm Excipio, which monitors the activity of torrent users who download films throughout the year, have released their information on the most pirated movies for 2015.
Here is a breakdown of the top 10:
10. Kingsman: The Secret Service = 30.9 million
This movie kind of came out of nowhere. While I had it on my radar, as I'm a big fan of Kick-Ass and Kick-Ass 2, it wasn't exactly receiving the same buzz as some of the other films on this list. However, word of mouth about how good it is spread around and it ended up being a surprise hit.
I have a feeling this has so many downloads because people were still hesitant to spend the money to see it, but were curious to check it out. Hopefully, they found a way to toss some cash the film's way to help support it, whether it be going to see it afterward (or beforehand, with their download being a second viewing) or through home video sales.
9. Terminator: Genisys = 31 million
If people were skeptical about the quality of Kingsman, they really needed to be when it came to Terminator: Genisys. This is the total opposite spectrum where I actually am pleased that this is on the list because I hope it contributed to the loss of money for the project. The only way to tell people that you want better movies is to vote with your wallets. If you stop seeing trash like this and the Transformers movies, they'll stop making them or they'll try harder.
8. The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies = 31.6 million
Every Lord of the Rings movie ends up being on this list, so this is no surprise. The biggest surprise is just how fast they kill the dragon, which was the selling point of the whole movie. Uh oh, retroactive spoiler alert. I just saved you many, many hours. Don't watch this film unless you loved the first two Hobbit movies.
7. Fifty Shades of Grey = 32.1 million
I don't want to know what the people downloading this were doing when they were watching this movie at home.
6. American Sniper = 34 million
Oscar buzz definitely had to have played a big factor into why this is so high up on the list. I have to imagine a portion of the audience didn't catch wind of this until after it had been playing for a while and either couldn't get someone to go with them to see it in theaters or didn't want to risk taking a chance on it potentially sucking and wasting $10. Having not seen it, I don't know whether that's the case, but I do know that I wasn't interested enough to put out my money for it.
5. Mad Max: Fury Road = 36.4 million
Here's a film that exploded in a way I definitely didn't see coming. The reception for this movie has been bonkers and I know quite a few people who loved it, but I also just had it too low on my priority list to make sure I saw it in theaters. Because of that, I've been tempted to watch it through other means, but I still haven't had a chance. Like with Kingsman, I think most of this can be attributed to word of mouth.
4. Jurassic World = 36.9 million
This is one of the top 3 highest grossing films of all time. Of course it's on this list.
3. Avengers: Age of Ultron = 41.6 million
No surprises here. Everything in the Marvel Cinematic Universe is so popular that if only a fraction of the people that went to see the movie downloaded it once afterward, it would be this high. Noticeably absent from this list is Ant-Man, but that made significantly less money at the box office than this, because this is one of the big guns of the MCU and Ant-Man is, well, Ant-Man.
2. Furious 7 = 44.8 million
Paul Walker's death boosted this movie into a level that I don't think it would have achieved otherwise, even though this franchise has seen a huge resurgence after the previous few films. What was once a laughable, ridiculous film series has turned into a laughable, ridiculous, hugely profitable film series that has a ton of fans. The target audience for this is also something that lends itself to a lot of bootleg copies and such. After all, look at what else is on this list. You don't see romantic comedies, do you? Furious 7 isn't a spectacle that you need to see on opening night with a packed house to be able to enjoy it if this is your type of movie, so downloading it and watching it for free is probably an option a ton of people preferred over spending their hard earned money to see some mindless action.
1. Interstellar = 46.8 million
I never would have expected this to be at the top of the list, but rather around the #20 spot or so, which makes this the biggest surprise as far as I'm concerned. Christopher Nolan has become a household name as a director, with a lot of people being interested in his movies just because his name is attached. Interstellar wasn't the hit that most people were expecting it to be and I think the bad word of mouth hindered it a lot. I know when I got done seeing it, I was telling people that they could wait until it's on Netflix or Redbox, and if that kind of mentality was spread around a lot, that could result in the 46.8 million downloads where those people said they'd rather just pirate it and cut out the middle man.
What do you think of this list?
Which movies did you see in theaters, download or skip?
In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Marvel Studios president and Doctor Strange producer Kevin Feige revealed Hannibal's star Mads Mikkelsen will be playing the main villain, opposite to Benedict Cumberbatch.
Mikkelsen.
"We will take audiences through sort of a guide to the multiverse, other dimensions, and there are amazing things out there—wonders that are going to be hopefully visually extremely interesting and unique to this movie, but there are also very scary things in these other dimensions ... Mads' character is a sorcerer who breaks off into his own sect. [He] believes that the Ancient One is just protecting her own power base and that the world may be better off if we were to allow some of these other things through."
Feige also revealed The Ancient One will indeed be played by Tilda Swinton.
So what will Mikkelsen's character be called? Executive producer Stephen Broussard will keep it under wraps, for now. I would call him Mr. Delicious.
"I've seen lots of names thrown around," says Broussard. "No one has quite picked the name that we've chosen for him. It would be fun to conceal that, if we can."
Another addition to the cast is Rachel McAdams, who according to Feige plays a fellow surgeon who has a history with Strange. Love interest?
"I'm not sure if I'm allowed to say what the interest is ... but if I hit on her more than the Ancient One, put it like that," says Cumberbatch.
McAdams.
Doctor Strange opens on November 4, 2016.
Are you excited for Doctor Strange? Do you think Mikkelsen is a good choice for villain? Let us know by leaving your comments below.
Tired of the old Christmas movies about happy reindeer, festive families, and Santa? Already watched Krampus and still hungry for more? Fear not!
Here's a list of the best (and the worst) horror Christmas movies!
Santa has been waiting for you.
Black Christmas (1974)
A sorority house is terrorized by a stranger who makes frightening phone calls and then murders the sorority sisters during Christmas break. Just like other corny horror movies from the '70s, this one got a 2006 remake with Michelle Trachtenberg.
Christmas Evil (1980)
Dressed in a Santa suit, a psycho decides who's been naughty and who's been nice.
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
After his parents are murdered and he is taken to an abusive orphanage, a tormented teenager goes on a murderous rampage dressed as Santa. You know, as one does.
Elves (1989)
A young woman discovers that she is the focus of an evil Nazi experiment involving selective breeding and summoned elves in an attempt to create a race of supermen. She and two of her friends are trapped in a department store with an elf, and only Dan Haggerty—as the renegade loose-cannon Santa Claus—can save them. I wonder how many drugs it took to create this plot.
Jack Frost (1997)
A serial killer comes back as a snowman. Yes.
Dead End (2003)
On Christmas Eve, Frank Harrington and his family decide to take a shortcut on his way to his in-laws, for the first time in 20 years. It turns out to be the biggest mistake of their lives.
Santa's Slay (2005)
In this film, Santa Claus is a demon who lost a bet with an angel, so he becomes the giver of toys and happiness. But when the bet is off, he returns to his evil ways.
Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010)
Santa Claus is unearthed in a archaeological dig and soon children start disappearing. A boy and his father manage to capture the evil Frankenstein-esque Santa and sell him back to the corporation who sponsored the dig, angering Santa's elves, who will do anything to free their leader.
Sint (Saint) (2011)
In this movie, St. Nicholas is a murderous bishop who kidnaps and murders children when there is a full moon on December 5. According to IMDB, various organizations of concerned parents tried to boycott the poster, which would allegedly traumatize young children for its depiction of a zombified St. Nick. However, the poster ended up being voted the "best cinema poster of the year" by Dutch audiences.
Silent Night (2012)
In a remote Midwestern town, the police searches for a killer Santa Claus who is picking off citizens on Christmas Eve. Super gory and hilarious.
What do you think of these movies? Let us know by leaving your comments below!
Posted by
The Dace Man
- Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Hey, hey, hey, Dacetacular nation! Check out episode 131 of The Dace Man Show with hosts Chris "The Dace Man" Dace, Frank Ward, and Gibby!!
::SPORTS NEWS::
The NHL, MLB, NFL, and our favorite: curling!
::WEIRD NEWS WITH GIBBY::
Gibby brings the class to the show with weird things going on in the world!
::FRANK'S CORNER::
Frank-tastic facts for your everyday life
::CELEB NEWS::
Dace is back, and he's packing a punch since he's on some diet pills and Red Bull. Get ready Hollywood!
Plus the occasional game ofWho Said It, the crowning of The Doucebag of The Week,and much, much more, only on The Dace Man Show.
As always, check back regularly to see what Chris "The Dace Man" Dace is looking at (and no, not just porn), as well as all of the other bloggers here at Fanboys Anonymous. Remember, keyboard warriors: leave your feedback! Until the next time, for the few, the proud, and, of course,the Dacetacular, grab a beer—and in this case a comfy seat in front of your computer—and check out what's going on here in the Dace-Sphere. See ya next time!
Listen live to The Dace Man Show every Wednesday at 8 p.m. EST on Mega Powers Radio.
Posted by
Anthony Mango
- Sunday, December 20, 2015
Welcome to another edition of Wed, Bed, or Dead—the Fanboys Anonymous equivalent to games such as Marry/Fuck/Kill, or "Kill, Bang, Marry" or any of those other alternative names with the same "would you rather" ranking concept.
If you're unfamiliar with these games, here are the rules: three men or women will be pitted against each other and you are forced to place each of them into a specific category of your choosing. You cannot double up on any category, replace people, or anything else. You must pick one to "Wed" (marry), one to "Bed" (have sex with), and for "Dead" (kill)—in theory, of course.
For these games, I like to use a three-point criteria of Attraction, Personality and Wildcard. Attraction and Personality are pretty self-explanatory, focusing on their looks and what goes on behind the scenes. Something like their intelligence, character traits, behavioral attitude, and so forth would go under Personality, while their physical appearance and sexiness make up the bulk of Attraction. As far as Wildcard goes, those could be any other factors that take away or add to someone's appeal.
First things first, since they're all largely positive with few negatives, I separated the one aspect that stood out to me: Leia's bitchy attitude. In A New Hope, she's established as having some behavioral traits that would get on my nerves. Despite being saved, she immediately calls Chewbacca a "walking carpet" instead of thanking him. She also falls victim to claiming that she "happens to like nice men" but clearly goes after the bad boy in Han Solo. Then again, she's all sorts of messed up for kissing her brother and then claiming in Return of the Jedi that she "always knew." Creepy. Clearly, she's not fit for the Wed option, so that leaves her with Bed or Dead, and although the slave outfit is the reason why a lot of teenage boys went through puberty, I think Natalie Portman and Daisy Ridley are more attractive. By default, Leia gets killed.
Posted by
Anthony Mango
- Saturday, December 19, 2015
Welcome to the latest edition of Making the Grade—a review format segment here on Fanboys Anonymous where we break down the five major components of something and give it a score based on the standard report card lineup: A, B, C, D, and F for a total failure.
The next report card is for Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens.
Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens—directed by J.J. Abrams; written by J.J. Abrams, Lawrence Kasdan, and Michael Arndt; starring Harrison Ford (Han Solo), Daisy Ridley (Rey), John Boyega (Finn), Oscar Isaac (Poe Dameron), Adam Driver (Kylo Ren), Domhnall Gleeson (General Hux), Carrie Fisher (General Leia), Lupita Nyong'o (Maz Kanata), Andy Serkis (Supreme Leader Snoke), Peter Mayhew (Chewbacca), Max von Sydow (Lor San Tekka), Anthony Daniels (C-3PO), Gwendoline Christie (Captain Phasma) and Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker).
WARNING - SPOILERS BELOW
CHARACTERS: A
The new heroes added to the canon are much better than I was even expecting. Rey, Finn, and Poe are all different but find a way to be engaging. Easily my favorite of the bunch was Finn, whose story was also the most interesting in my opinion, along with him being the funniest. Rey's story is very similar to what we've seen before, but although this movie retreads familiar ground on many occasions, that's not something that particularly bugs me. Poe is just a stand-up good guy, and I'm loving the bromance between him and Finn. Oh, and BB-8 is absolutely adorable.
The villains, on the other hand, I felt underwhelmed about. Supreme Leader Snoke is going to need a massive upgrade in the sequel to be intimidating to me, and Hux needs to differentiate himself from Tarkin more. Captain Phasma needs to do SOMETHING, as she was utterly pointless in this movie. That was a huge disappointment. Kylo Ren is interesting, but in a weird way. I'm hesitant to buy into his character 100% until I see the direction they go in the future.
As far as the older characters that returned, they were handled very well. Give me some Lando in the next film!
ACTING: B–
You're never going to get Oscar-worthy performances in a Star Wars film, but everyone pulls their weight rather well here. Hat tip goes to John Boyega for being the best of them and really holding this film down, as well as to Harrison Ford for getting properly back into character instead of just playing himself. I think there's maybe a little bit of overacting on Domhnall Gleeson's behalf, and I didn't get a strong performance from Gwendoline Christie, who admittedly wasn't given anything to do. Still, hers is an odd case, as she was clearly cast for her height but doesn't seem imposing at all. We don't see her face, so her entire acting performance was her voice, and that wasn't distinctive enough or performed with any real moxie. It seems like they could have just redubbed her with someone else and used her as a stunt double—or, you know, given her at least one action scene to make her a decent character.
VISUALS (FX, MAKEUP, COSTUMES, SETS): A+
This movie is stunning. If it doesn't win the Academy Award, I don't know what could possibly trump it. Everything looks realistic and just so awesome.
MUSIC & SOUND: B–
I'm a tad disappointed when it comes to this music. Every film previously has given us at least one really distinctive theme that stands out and is memorable. Obviously, A New Hope has the bulk of it, while The Empire Strikes Back has the Imperial March and Yoda's theme and Return of the Jedi has the Emperor's theme and I'm particularly fond of "Into the Trap" as well. The prequels have "Duel of the Fates" in The Phantom Menace, "Across the Stars" in Attack of the Clones, and "Battle of the Heroes" in Revenge of the Sith, among others. Sadly, this movie doesn't have a standout piece. Having seen the film twice, I still can't remember any new themes—just the old ones. Did John Williams phone it in?
As far as sound goes, that was amazing, especially in IMAX 3D.
TONE (ACTION, ROMANCE, COMEDY): A+
Star Wars is back. This legitimately feels like a true sequel rather than some offshoot or a different direction for the sake of changing things up.
ACTION: Every action scene is exhilarating and quite literally my only gripe would be that I think the lightsaber duels could have used a little bit more of the prequel flair. I don't want them to be endless flipping for no reason, but I also don't want to see everyone so stiff. Still, it was awesome to see the Stormtrooper fight, and I enjoyed every set piece as far as action goes.
COMEDY: Surprisingly, I don't think there's a single joke in this that I didn't chuckle at. I do think there's a bit too much fan service for the sake of it and at times, it's a little overboard to throw a reference in just to pop the audience, but if you ignore the forced lines about the trash compactor and whatnot, the comedy is on point. In particular, Finn is such a great comedic character in the right way. My favorite joke of the whole thing is probably the quick exchange between Finn and BB-8 giving each other the thumbs up. It sounds so bland, but it ended up being a fantastic moment.
ROMANCE: These movies aren't ones that should focus too heavily on the romance, but it should still linger at least a little bit. With Han and Leia, that was good enough. With Finn and Rey, I was digging their budding romance. None of it felt forced and the dialogue wasn't hokey like it was with Anakin and Padme. Nicely done.
FINAL GRADE: A
I can nitpick different things about the movie, and I'm a little disappointed in how some things didn't measure up to what they could have been (namely the music and the villains), but all in all, this is an awesome entry in the series and a step in the right direction. By no means is this problematic on the scale of the prequels, so I'm super excited to see what comes next.
WHAT DID YOU THINK OF STAR WARS: EPISODE VII - THE FORCE AWAKENS?
Posted by
Anthony Mango
- Friday, December 18, 2015
On the latest edition of Minute Man Reviews hosted by Tony Mango, Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens is given a full review in under 60 seconds. Check out the video below and be sure to subscribe and leave your comments on what you thought of the movie!
Posted by
The Dace Man
- Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Hey, hey, hey, Dacetacular nation! Check out episode 130 of The Dace Man Show with hosts Chris "The Dace Man" Dace, Frank Ward, Gibby and Patty McTitties!!
::SPORTS NEWS::
The NHL, MLB, NFL, and our favorite: curling!
::WEIRD NEWS WITH GIBBY::
Gibby brings the class to the show with weird things going on in the world!
::FRANK'S CORNER::
Frank-tastic facts for your everyday life
::CELEB NEWS::
Dace is back, and he's packing a punch since he's on some diet pills and Red Bull. Get ready Hollywood!
Plus the occasional game ofWho Said It, the crowning of The Doucebag of The Week,and much, much more, only on The Dace Man Show.
As always, check back regularly to see what Chris "The Dace Man" Dace is looking at (and no, not just porn), as well as all of the other bloggers here at Fanboys Anonymous. Remember, keyboard warriors: leave your feedback! Until the next time, for the few, the proud, and, of course,the Dacetacular, grab a beer—and in this case a comfy seat in front of your computer—and check out what's going on here in the Dace-Sphere. See ya next time!
Listen live to The Dace Man Show every Wednesday at 8 p.m. EST on Mega Powers Radio.
Posted by
Anthony Mango
- Monday, December 14, 2015
Welcome to the first edition of Fanboys Fix It, where instead of just complaining about what we don't like about something, we try to figure out how we can make it better. Considering that Star Wars: Episode VII—The Force Awakens will be released in a few days and one of the hottest issues about it is whether it will live up to the hype or fall short compared to what happened with the prequel films, what better topic is there to kickstart this segment than How to Fix the Star Wars Prequel Trilogy?
Granted, there are a lot of things that these three movies got right. I think a lot of people are harder on them than they need to be and aren't willing to give credit to the positives because they just focus on the negatives. We have some awesome action sequences, much of the lore is established here that's taken for granted (like Coruscant, the Jedi Council, the connection between Stormtroopers and Boba Fett, etc.) and there are glimpses of genius along the way.
Sadly, there are also plenty of reasons to hate these movies, which is why it lends itself to such a good topic to discuss. After rewatching all of the films for our recent Movie Club, I couldn't help but ponder how things could have been much better. Therefore, I present to you my list of what those problems are and how I think they could have gone about things in a different, better way.
Core Problem #1: Anakin's Age
In The Phantom Menace, Anakin should have been a teenager and not a child.
Padme being a young queen is okay, as that has happened in ancient cultures before, but the age difference between Padme and Anakin is creepy. If they're closer to age, it makes more sense for them to be romantically linked.
Attack of the Clones gets to show off Anakin's rebellious side like a typical teenager, and it's more interesting than the do-good kid.
At this time in his life, Anakin is interested more in girls and what he's going to do with his future career aspirations. That's why he's interested in helping out our heroes when they're stranded (because he's interested in Padme) and then jumps at the chance of becoming a Jedi because it's a purpose for his life.
An important part of a teenager's experience is learning how to drive and getting his/her first car. This is your pod race connection. He's an adventure seeker and reckless because he thinks he's invincible, like all teenagers do. Since he's bursting with testosterone and wanting to show off for Padme, as well as dealing with the typical rage of a teen, it's more believable that he would have the itch to fight and join the space battle on his own accord rather than accidentally falling ass-backward into the sequence.
We have children in the Jedi Order training in Episode II, yet at age 9, Anakin is supposed to be "too old" to begin training. The last time we had heard this was when Yoda said Luke was too old, and he was around 20-something. Luke's case makes sense more than a 9-year-old, so if Anakin was about 15, then I would buy into him being too old at this point, too. Plus, if Luke is able to learn so much in the short amount of time that he's training with Obi-Wan and Yoda, then it shouldn't make sense for Anakin to be training for 10 years and still just be at the level he's at in Attack of the Clones. Making it a shorter time frame where certain, special Jedi are able to advance quicker helps justify what happens with Luke later on as well as Ezra Bridger from Star Wars Rebels.
Because of this, we wouldn't need a 10-year time gap between the first and second films. Anakin is around 15 in The Phantom Menace and we can still make him 20 in Attack of the Clones to skip time but not as drastically. Without that gap, the same actor could play the character throughout all three films. Obviously, Jake Lloyd couldn't have been cast, because he would have been too young, which means we'd have gotten a better actor (sorry Jake) for the part. Imagine Ryan Phillippe as Anakin Skywalker, or James Franco, or Leonardo DiCaprio!
The cherry on top: if Anakin had been a teenager instead of a child, there wouldn't have been a reason for them to think it would work for him to say "yippee!"
Core Problem #2: Tone Down Silly Stupid Humor
To go along with this problem of Anakin being a stupid little kid who says "yippee!" are far too many examples of childish humor to list them all here. Of course, it must be said that George Lucas purposely included this as an attempt to market the films toward kids, but if you look at the original trilogy, those worked for children and didn't pander to them. Kids love the Marvel Cinematic Universe, too, but you don't see those movies adding a quota of poop and fart jokes.
Let's just state the obvious target for this one: Jar Jar Binks.
At the beginning of The Phantom Menace, he's actually not a bad character. At the very least, he's no worse than some of the things we've seen before, like Garindan (aka Long-Snoot, that stupid anteater thing in A New Hope that snitches on the Millennium Falcon and sounds like a kazoo) or the cantina band. If you only saw the scene where Jar Jar is saved by Qui-Gon Jinn and then tells them to hide in the underwater Gungan village, then you'd think he was on par of a character with C-3PO—I guarantee it. Seeing the rest of the film is what ruins that image.
Jar Jar Binks starts going downhill when Captain Tarpals tells him he's-a in big doodoo. Ugh. This is just a sad way to tone things down for kids to understand, because "doodoo" = "bad" and if they had a line of dialogue that was more adult, it would just be too hard to grasp, right?
In general, though, most of what bugs people about Jar Jar boils down to him being a comic relief character for children. He could be clumsy, but not stupid-clumsy. Does he need to step in poop? A gag like him being temporarily paralyzed by the pod racer's energy beam could have been funny if it hadn't been so over the top, and the reason it was taken to that ridiculous level is because bad filmmakers think you need to do that for kids. That's why baby talk exists instead of talking to children like adults talk to each other. Put on the Sprout network and take a drink every time someone is SUPER DUPER EXCITED or if they fall down, they go "wooaah, waaooahh, WOOOAAAAH" before they crash or something like that.
Jar Jar could still be a comic relief character if he were toned down and made more PG-13 funny instead of G-rated "fun for the whole family because it won't offend anybody" material. Think of him as Chewbacca gone wrong. Chewie is a ridiculous concept. He's a walking bear thing that grunts and has a crossbow. Despite this, people love him. Why? Because he doesn't go overboard like Jar Jar to the point where he would become annoying. Jar Jar could have been a decent supporting character if he hadn't been the equivalent of that loud, obnoxious kid in class who demands attention and is willing to do stupid things just to get it.
Also, stepping away from Jar Jar, there's a distinct difference between the droids in the first film and in the second and third. For some reason, when Jar Jar was more tame, the droids became sillier. There's no reason for them to be groaning when they're killed or anything along those lines.
It's funny when Leia calls Han a "stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder" and the only thing he takes offense to is "scruffy-looking." It isn't funny when Jar Jar is given a commanding role in a military force and lucks his way into juggling bombs and tripping over droids. A good joke is when Obi-Wan uses the Jedi mind trick on the drug dealer and tells him to go home to rethink his life or when he's cocky and says Qui-Gon was right that the negotiations were indeed short. A bad joke that is totally unnecessary is pretty much everything done by the commentators on the pod race. I laugh when C-3PO thinks everyone is being crushed in the trash compactor, but not at anything that happens with him during the Battle of Geonosis.
Core Problem #3: The Pacing of Politics
A common complaint about the prequels is that there's too much talk about boring politics. Some of this was absolutely necessary, but I'll agree that a lot of time is wasted that could have been used for something else, especially when a lot of the setup doubles back on the same points already established. Half of The Phantom Menace is about people talking about an invasion and upcoming conflict when the troops of the Trade Federation have already invaded and taken over. Apparently "the death toll is catastrophic," but we don't see absolutely any of that. Things seem peaceful, almost, and you can look at the villains almost more like imposing security guards than an invading genocidal force of nature.
Essentially, the prequels follow this path:
Step 1) Trade Federation creates a blockade for Naboo
Step 2) Trade Federation invades the surface of Naboo and take over the planet
Step 3) Chancellor Valorum doesn't do anything about it, so he gets replaced by Palpatine
Step 4) Gungans and Naboo take back control of Naboo
Step 5) After 10 years where nothing of note has happened, there's an assassination attempt on Padme
Step 6) Wait a sec, the assassin is also involved in a clone army being built for the Republic?
Step 7) Trade Federation alliance (The Separatists) are creating a civil war and Palpatine wants more power to control things better
Step 8) Palpatine is given more power
Step 9) Clone Wars begin
Step 10) Clone Wars end (what, already?)
Step 11) Palpatine refuses to step down
Step 12) Jedi are set up to look like they're traitors and Palpatine becomes Emperor
With some tweaks and showing some different things on screen, this could have worked just as fine. For example, there should have been a more definitive declaration of war at the end of the first film. That way, Anakin's training takes place during war time, which is a pressure-cooker environment. He's just been uprooted from his home, fallen in love, and told that not only does he have special powers he'll have to train to use, but that he's going to be the person that the entire galaxy depends on to be the one to solve an entire war. Hey kid, remember when you were a slave and life totally sucked? Well, now you need to become our ace in the hole and learn how to be a soldier who can kill the bad guys despite the fact that we're telling you that Jedi never use their powers for attack.
In the James Bond film Casino Royale, Bond asks M if she wants him to be "half monk, half hitman" and that's how Anakin should feel. He's being pulled in both directions.
Why would Anakin be sent straight into war? Well, it's like Vietnam, where the draft was taking young kids all the time. Plus, it could be justified that Kenobi is too valuable not to have on the front lines, and since he needs to be an active participant because of how important he is to the Jedi Order, then his Padawan has to tag along by default and basically be thrown into the deep end of the pool to learn how to swim.
The pod race setup is all about the politics of slavery, and while I think that needed to be a big plot point, it needed to be focused on more in the second and third films regarding Anakin's perspective on life but not eat up screen time to dawdle. This could be more of an overall arching theme with him that pays off over the course of three films rather than hitting us with 85% of the bulk of it while we wait for the pod race to start.
Between the first and second films, Anakin should develop a bond with Palpatine over their political ideas. There's a great set of lines in Attack of the Clones where Anakin says that if people can't sit down and agree on a solution, they should be made to. Padme expresses her concern that this is more of a dictatorship than a democracy, and he simply says "well, if it works." Palpatine should be manipulative enough to have planted the seed in Anakin's head that a dictatorship isn't slavery if you have the right person in charge who knows better about what people need than what they can do for themselves. After all, the Republic trusts the Jedi to have control, and the Jedi Council has Yoda at the top, right? Why can't there be an Emperor who controls all of the regional governors but has final say to veto anything? Otherwise, if people have too much power, things get out of hand because the smaller ones that get overlooked will turn into corrupt sectors like Tatooine or problems like Naboo's enslavement can happen.
The assassination attempt on Padme in the second film shouldn't have just been her. There should have been coordinated attacks on anybody who was a potential threat to Palpatine amassing more power, including Senator Bail Organa. A few of these politicians should have been killed, but Padme is assigned (more-so requests) Anakin as her protector while Obi-Wan is partnered up with Organa (to help establish a friendship that plays off with them splitting the children up later on.)
That takes us into another whole issue...
Core Problem #4: Building Relationships
As mentioned above, setting up a stronger friendship between Obi-Wan and Bail Organa makes sense. I also love the idea of Anakin being the Jedi protector of Padme and giving them time to spend alone with each other, but I think there was a giant misstep in this direction.
With the way the films stands now, 10 years go by where Anakin and Padme don't see each other, yet they fall in love super fast. Since we've already established with these fixes that they're closer in age now and 10 years haven't taken place between movies, I'd suggest that Padme and Anakin have been seeing each other in secret for the past few years. Anakin goes off to war while Padme delegates with the Senate. Whenever their paths cross, they shack up in private. The only person who knows about this relationship is Obi-Wan, who is like a brother to Anakin and is willing to bend the rules a little bit. However, there should be a discussion where Kenobi warns him that he's playing a dangerous game and that this could end badly. What were to happen if Padme got pregnant? Anakin, the careless and selfish person that he can be at times, would just say that if he had a son, he'd pass on his lightsaber to him and train him like Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon before him. He clearly doesn't take the warning seriously, and when Kenobi suggests that he could be expelled from the Jedi Order and Padme could be driven out of the Senate, he just says there's more to life than bureaucracy and he's spent his whole life living as a slave, so the rules don't really apply to him, do they?
Anakin and Palpatine's relationship as father/son would need more time to develop. Again, as previously mentioned, by the time the second film comes along, Palpatine should already be heavily in Anakin's ear as a charismatic leader who actually looks out for him and he can look up to. He buys into what Palpatine has to say, even more than Padme's ideas at times. After all, Anakin's never had a father and when the father of the galaxy takes a shine to you, that's special, especially when the #2 on the Jedi Council, Mace Windu, is a total dick and never trusts you. He didn't want you to be trained in the first film, he doesn't listen to your battle plans in the second film, and by the third film he's going to try to kill Palpatine. Screw that, man!
One lack of a connection that has bugged me for 10 years now is the one between Leia and Padme. In Return of the Jedi, she states that she remembers images and feelings of her real mother, but we see Padme die immediately after Leia's born. There's clearly not time to establish them living together for years or anything, but would it have been so hard for Leia to have been born first, Padme to hold her for a few minutes and kiss her on the cheek, and for Padme to kick the bucket while Luke's emerging? That way, there's never been a real bond between Luke and Padme, which would explain why he has no memories of her. It's sad, but it covers up a plot hole.
Just as much as there should have been relationships built up more, one of them should have not existed at all, and that's the one between Anakin and C-3PO. Talk about making your world too small! There's absolutely no reason to make Anakin the one who builds Threepio other than fan service that suspends far too much disbelief. We had an amazing introduction to R2-D2, which was perfect in showing his heroism and giving him a reason to be so trusted going forward. Why couldn't C-3PO just have been Padme's protocol droid or maybe an interpreter that works for the Jedi Council? It doesn't help that C-3PO appears to have no recollection of ever being on Tatooine when he and R2-D2 crash there in A New Hope.
Core Problem #5: Descent Into Darkness
One moment, Anakin is saying that Windu shouldn't kill Palpatine because he should stand trial. The next minute, he's slicing up little kids. Why? Poor storytelling and a need to cram a turn to the dark side in a few rushed scenes.
Anakin's fall from grace should have happened more gradually with more hints along the way. There should have been less whining and complaining and more scenes showing his arrogance. He takes it upon himself to steal a starfighter and join the attack on the Trade Federation ship without thinking that maybe there's a trained pilot ready to take that for himself. When chastised for it, he should try to justify it by saying it doesn't matter that he rushed into it, because he was the one who destroyed it, so it all worked out in the end.
The prophetic nightmares are awesome and could have been given even more of a focus. When Anakin lashes out in anger and kills the Tusken Raiders, that should have carried more weight. The Jedi should have all felt that intense dip into the dark side and had a conversation with him about how they don't trust him anymore.
Things get even worse when they criticize him for killing Count Dooku, especially if he would have tortured him for information by using Force Lightning on him. The Jedi could tell him that this is another reason why they are suspicious of him and that it was a terrible breach of conduct. He could complain and say that he's just following orders, cause they tossed him into the damn war to begin with and if it's his destiny to destroy the Sith, what rationale do they have for bitching that he killed one?
Imagine how much more it would weigh on Anakin to keep his relationship with Padme a secret if it had been going on for longer than his relationship with the Jedi Order. After all, the first time he bumped into them on Tatooine was when he was interested in helping Padme. They had their connection before he swore any kind of allegiance to become a Jedi, and how can these peacekeepers be opposed to love? Even Obi-Wan doesn't think it's such a good idea. What a jerk, right?
This could be why he starts to buy into what Palpatine says about the Jedi holding him back and not liking his form of justice. When Palpatine has done nothing but help Anakin while the Jedi are always questioning him, eventually it comes down to a point where he has to make a choice. With Mace Windu being the opposition for Palpatine as well as someone who has constantly butted heads with Anakin, it's an easier choice. It might have worked even better to also have Palpatine do something to set it up as though Windu was planning on "arresting" Padme for getting involved in Jedi business. That way, Anakin thinks if Windu is "arresting" Chancellor Palpatine with a lightsaber to the throat, why would he be able to trust he wouldn't kill Padme?
There could have also been some little moments sprinkled throughout other scenes that we've established. Maybe Anakin cheats to win the pod race and tries to justify it by saying that Sebulba cheated first and he was just even-ing the odds, similar to how Qui-Gon cheats at the dice game to win Anakin's freedom over Shmi's. Anakin could have threatened to kill Clieg Lars for what happened to Shmi. Since Obi-Wan was our 100% heroic protagonist for these three films, Anakin should have really dancing around the line as antihero so by the beginning of the third movie, even the Jedi Council knows it's just a matter of time before they completely lose control and he turns to the dark side.
Miscellaneous Extra Flaws
Basically, those big problems above are the things that would have saved these movies and made them better as a whole, but there are smaller things that could have been changed as well. I'm obviously not going to nitpick every little detail, but a few things that stand out to me are as follows:
More Darth Maul – Three fights should have happened in The Phantom Menace, not two. The first should have been during the initial invasion of Naboo, the second while he's hunting them down on Tatooine like a Terminator, and the third climactic one.
Qui-Gon Disappearing – I would have liked to see Qui-Gon disappear and for that to be the first time it's ever happened, which baffles the Jedi. The first time we saw a Jedi die without disappearing was his death, but the following films didn't explain it well enough. At the end of Revenge of the Sith, Yoda just casually mentions that he knows how to do it from talking to Qui-Gon, which is something we've never seen. That should have been more developed and tied into Anakin's prophetic dreams and the Jedi Council's growing fear that he will turn to the dark side as well as more information on the Sith history.
Dialogue – A second writer should have been hired to take care of the dialogue, which was awful at times. "If you're not with me, then you're my enemy" is so on the nose. "From my point of view, the Jedi are evil!" Terrible. "No, it's cause I'm so in love with you." I don't need to mention the sand lines, right? What about Anakin saying "Now this is pod racing" or asking if Padme is an angel? One of the only lines in all three films that is actually good is Padme's where she says "So this is how liberty dies, with thunderous applause."
More Women – I'm far from someone who will bring up the Bechdel Test, but in retrospect, a few more women wouldn't have hurt. There's certainly more in the prequels than in the original trilogy, as we have female Jedi Council members, female pilots, and more, but maybe Count Dooku could have been a woman instead, or Asajj Ventress could have been in the film as his apprentice so we had a two-on-two fight with her and Tyrannus against Kenobi and Skywalker. A reference to Ahsoka Tano would have been appreciated in Revenge of the Sith if they had figured out that they wanted Anakin to have had an apprentice by then.
Returning to Tatooine –After the death of Shmi, Anakin should have had such a traumatic experience that he states he'll never return to that entire planet. That would give them a reason to hide Luke there.
Well, there you have it. From my certain point of view, that is how I would go ahead and fix the prequel films if I could go back in time knowing what I know now. What do you think of the changes that I would have made? Do they make the movies better or worse? What changes would you make?
